I am looking for feedback on my Limit Hold'em book

[bygmesterf]

[ QUOTE ]
Feel free to fire away with more!

[/ QUOTE ]

Before I express my honest opinion and I do so because I just polished off a fourth martini (Hendrick's Gin, Cucumber slice, two cured olives, Martini Rossi vermouth.), so no jibes about spelling/grammar! [img]/images/graemlins/laugh.gif[/img] [img]/images/graemlins/confused.gif[/img]I do copywriting/editing/ College english tutoring on the side.

You have a decent first draft, that contains good concepts but is poorly written and unstructured. Writing well is very hard work. Expressing yourself clearly is even harder, and most writers are too lazy or unskilled to do it. I don't think you are lazy, but perhaps you need work in writing clearly and with good structure.

You suffer from a bad case of verbal diareheea. Roughly 20% of the book's text could be removed without without hurting the text at all. Too many paragraphs are unfocused, and therefore unclear and wordy. Too many chapters are chaotic without a clear progression of ideas. And too many sentances have uncessery qualifing adjectives, making your writing sound hesitant. This is not good.

Try reading some of it aloud, you'll soon realize that the current text is wordy and tiring to read.You must avoid sounding pedantic, while striving for clarity and the expression of your unique voice and ideas.

[b]King Yao, you do have the makings of an insightful and valuble book[b]. It seems that a central theme in your book is that mathematical justification for correct strategy and tactics: that is a very important persepctive that is under represented in poker books.

Some books I recomend to authors I work with:

Essential (These books will improve your writing dramatically. ):

Keys to Great Writing
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg.../-/0898799325/

100 Ways to Improve Your Writing.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg.../-/0451627210/

The First Five Pages: A Writer's Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg.../-/068485743X/

Nice to have

The Classic Guide to Better Writing : Step-by-Step Techniques and Exercises to Write Simply, Clearly and Correctly
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg.../-/0062730487/

Write Tight: How to Keep Your Prose Sharp, Focused and Concise
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg.../-/1882926889/

====

Here's a proposed opening paragrapgh and structure for the chapter on river play.

[ QUOTE ]
On the River, folding when you have the best hand is usually a very costly mistake. Typically the pot is relatively large by the River and the risk is only one big bet. To lose the pot on an incorrect fold is an awful feeling. At the same time, most players make the mistake of calling too often on the River. They still call when they are relatively sure they are beat. This is a small mistake on any individual hand, but when it is repeated over and over, the cost of making this mistake adds up quickly. This is the River Paradox. You do not want to make the mistake of folding a winning hand, yet at the same time, you also do not want to make the mistake of calling too often when you are beat. So how does one solve the River Paradox? By figuring out the tendencies of opponents, reading hands and thinking about the situation before it happens.

[/ QUOTE ]

This paragraph contains 163 words and still does not introduce the chapter and concepts that follow. Compare to:

[ QUOTE ]

On the last round of betting, with no more cards to come, defensive calling and value betting are the critical skills. You can't afford to lose a big pot to a daring bluff or not get paid off on your good hands. Often, you have to defend your pot by making weak calls to pick off bluffs and thin value bets. At the same time you don't want to waste money on hopeless calls. While this is going on, your opponents are also trying to defend the pot, and save bets as well. This creates oppotunites for you to profit from their loose calls, and desire to save bets. The essence of good river play is recognizing situations where your opponents are either weak or strong and then acting accordingly.

[/ QUOTE ]

132 words, and it summerizes and introduces the chapter.

After the opening paragarph I would discuss the following topics.

<ul type="square">[*] Paragraph and list of situations where opponents are often weak and often bluffing. Missed Draws, driving with AK, turn lead shift, only way to win the hand, etc.
[*] Paragraph: How to induce bluffs, role of image. effect of position on inducing bluffs. Boards that encourage bluffing
[*] Paragraph and list of situations where opponents are often strong and not bluffing. High cards on board, in a raised pot, protected pot. etc.
[*] Paragraph explaining pot odds on the the river and % confidence needed to fold for a single bet in a big pot. When in doubt call. Why you can't bluff AK on the river.
[*] Paragraph explaing that With all this loose calling going on, a big source of profit is value betting your weak hands into people who will call you with even weaker hands
[*] Situations where you are likely to be called and should not bluff, but should value bet.(Counterfieting, missed draws, all low cards) Role of image.
[*] Paragraph: Profits of bluffing, role of intimidating image
[*] Paragraph: Situations where opponents are weak and bluffable. Either Or situations where your bluff will suceed, or you will get raised.
[*] Paragraph: Rasing on the river. Why this topic is not important since it rarely comes up.[/list]

[Randy Burgess]

And I think you need to lighten up, David! My tounge-in-cheek stuff may not be funny, but it *is* tongue-in-cheek. Guess I'll have to go back to Jerry Seinfeld for a few more phone lessons. He's just so damn expensive...

On a serious note, I don't disagree with anything Mason said about Two Plus Two's modus operandi - I was attempting only to clarify things from the author's perspective, which is what King Yao is looking for. I find the whole discussion interesting, which is the only reason I chimed in.

Regarding Mason's explanation of his SOP for accepting manuscripts, I have no quarrel with it - it's not the way the publishing industry at large operates, and for good reason, but for a boutique firm like Two Plus Two, such implied and actual exclusivity further enhances its cachet.

[Zeno]

[ QUOTE ]
You suffer from a bad case of verbal diareheea. Roughly 20% of the book's text could be removed without hurting the text at all. Too many paragraphs are unfocused, and therefore unclear and wordy. Too many chapters are chaotic without a clear progression of ideas. And too many sentences have unnecessary qualifying adjectives, making your writing sound hesitant. This is not good.


[/ QUOTE ]


This is the first thing I noted when I started reading.

For King Yao:

'bygmesterf' has done an excellent job at pointing out needed changes and approaches in style and organization that would greatly improve your book. Take them to heart. You are indeed fortunate to receive, free, such advice and editorship.

-Zeno

[King Yao]

wow, this is a lot of stuff to digest. Thank you for your comments. I will definitely be taking your advice seriously. I don't think I can reduce the 20% down to 0%, but I will try to reduce it somewhat. Its obvious I am not a professional writer, isn't it? Thanks.

[bygmesterf]

[ QUOTE ]
wow, this is a lot of stuff to digest. Thank you for your comments. I will definitely be taking your advice seriously. I don't think I can reduce the 20% down to 0%, but I will try to reduce it somewhat. Its obvious I am not a professional writer, isn't it? Thanks.

[/ QUOTE ]

I would be happy to work with you/consult on this project, if you are interested PM me.

I urge you to get the three books that I claimed are essential. They are essential. These books will not only help you write better, but will also roughly double your writing speed.

I don't know if you can hold back on press time. But I really think you should spend the next 2-3 months revising the book. The current version is not ready to be sent to press. In fact if I was grading you for a freshman composition class I would give you a C-. The current version does not express your ideas effectively. It is tiring and hard to read.

BTW the sorry state of english composition is not entirely your fault. Too many teachers/professors excuse bad writing resulting in graduates who can't write and have nothing to say.

Often the first draft merely reveals what we want to say, and how to say it ineffectivly. My advice: Take some blank paper, and write out your goals and intended audience. Think hard about this, it's important. Think about what your book has to offer in order to be useful to your audience.

Then I suggest that you make an outline (on papar !!!!) for what topics you want each chapter to cover. After you do this set the outline aside for two days. Then examine and revise your outline, making sure that your lists of topics for each chapter is mutually exclusive and collectivly exhaustive. Now arrange the topics in each chapter in a logical order.

Experiment and play with the sequence of idea's as you might find that a differenet order is clearer or more natural. Often a good progression is:

<ul type="square">[*]Introduction to concepts[*]explication of the concepts[*]theorectical underpinnings of the concepts[*]practical examples with commentary (Include positive and negative examples.)[/list]
By the time you are done with this chapter by chapter, topic by topic outline, you will have a clearer understanding of your book. Now you can start working on the writing.

[King Yao]

Thanks. I will need some time to think about the issues you brought up. When I am ready, I will PM you.

[avatar77]

In fairness to King, most pokers books are poorly written since they are written by gamblers/players and not writers. In fact, the majority of the pokers I have read could have used a good edit.

There are some exceptions such as Ciaffone and Krieger but they are exceptions because they are obviously good writers.

Having said that, I think King's work is not bad when compared to some of the other poker books out there.