Money Problems, More Problems, and Why I Can't Play Cards

[TaoTe]

Just venting...

What really tipped the scales for me was as it always is, something small but combined with a larger problem. In this case, the plural of problem.

So, what was the small problem? I read the first review for Barry Greenstein's new book. It's a problem because it was a horrible review and my copy should be arriving today. That's the proverbial last straw.

Back up to last night.

My best friend calls me. He sounds upset, like he's been crying. I can't remember him ever crying before except when his mother died. My mind reels as I expect the worst. It's bad. His girlfriend had broken up with him and he had just been evicted from his house and he was talking crazy, like he wanted to end it all. So I did what any self-respecting-God-fearing-peace-loving man of the people would do, I took him out for hot wings and beer. Maybe I shouldn't have been giving drinks to an extremely depressed, suicidal person, but he wasn't going to be away from me for awhile. I know how he thinks. We got the wings and did some gambling on the poker machines. I lost; he won. Then he tells me another one of my friends is sick; he has cancer. I order another beer. He stays at my apartment and I give him a ride to somebodies house in the morning before work. For some reason, my friend just packs a bag and leaves the country. I don't know where he is.

Normally I have friday's off, but I have to work this one. It's nice because there is a $50 tournament I play in down the street from my house, which attracts an average of 20 people each week and has really bad players involved. This friday though, I have to work.

I've been having lots of money problems lately as well and have been spending my pay checks on some needed clothing. I have back due bills, my car broke down three times last week for a total -600.

I haven't slept much because I've far too hyper, with a strong desire not to sleep. I'm bipolar, so I realize I'm in a big swing. I can't help thinking about how pathetic my life is. It's like the movie Amadeus, I feel so mediocre.

I've writen stories since I was 16 and considered for the longest time that this is what I wanted to do for money, but I haven't written anything for a long time. It scares me that I think I might actually give up writing for poker. If poker players believe that playing good cards, plus good play equals profits over a long term, try being a writer. Long term value may be more than thirty years from now until I sell anything that's worth it, and I may never do that. But I can beat the 1/2 right now and see something for my effort. Actually, not right now because I'm staying away from anything that has to do with cards and money until I stabilize my emotions.

Enough. Writing this post is making me feel worse than before, but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Perhaps I need to get these feelings out.

[Shoog]

For being as you describe bipolar and on a swing, you show considerable restraint in not playing. There are times when I can feel my mood is likely to diminish my judgment just enought to make me a loser for the session, but I go ahead and play anyway. I am reading more about cognitive-behavioural theropies for dealing with impulsivity.
My hope is that it will dimish the negative effects of emotional disturbances during my play. The craft of play is not so hard and there is plenty of room for art in it, but throw in a bit of irrational emotion and it all goes to pot.
Speaking of writing, I've always thought there would be a good market for nonfiction poker books, but not the trade books that now dominate the market. Having read many of the latter, I would love to read a more nonfictional book about poker that is not how-to per se.
Take that all too small section in the back of Cloutier's book about the underground holdem scene in Dallas, or Brunson's occasional mention of characters and scenes in the 70's and 80's. Great material but poorly and all to little presented in the trade books.
Sorry about your friend. Hope he recovers.
chrs,

[bohemian]

[ QUOTE ]
Just venting...

What really tipped the scales for me was as it always is, something small but combined with a larger problem. In this case, the plural of problem.

So, what was the small problem? I read the first review for Barry Greenstein's new book. It's a problem because it was a horrible review and my copy should be arriving today. That's the proverbial last straw.

Back up to last night.

My best friend calls me. He sounds upset, like he's been crying. I can't remember him ever crying before except when his mother died. My mind reels as I expect the worst. It's bad. His girlfriend had broken up with him and he had just been evicted from his house and he was talking crazy, like he wanted to end it all. So I did what any self-respecting-God-fearing-peace-loving man of the people would do, I took him out for hot wings and beer. Maybe I shouldn't have been giving drinks to an extremely depressed, suicidal person, but he wasn't going to be away from me for awhile. I know how he thinks. We got the wings and did some gambling on the poker machines. I lost; he won. Then he tells me another one of my friends is sick; he has cancer. I order another beer. He stays at my apartment and I give him a ride to somebodies house in the morning before work. For some reason, my friend just packs a bag and leaves the country. I don't know where he is.

Normally I have friday's off, but I have to work this one. It's nice because there is a $50 tournament I play in down the street from my house, which attracts an average of 20 people each week and has really bad players involved. This friday though, I have to work.

I've been having lots of money problems lately as well and have been spending my pay checks on some needed clothing. I have back due bills, my car broke down three times last week for a total -600.

I haven't slept much because I've far too hyper, with a strong desire not to sleep. I'm bipolar, so I realize I'm in a big swing. I can't help thinking about how pathetic my life is. It's like the movie Amadeus, I feel so mediocre.

I've writen stories since I was 16 and considered for the longest time that this is what I wanted to do for money, but I haven't written anything for a long time. It scares me that I think I might actually give up writing for poker. If poker players believe that playing good cards, plus good play equals profits over a long term, try being a writer. Long term value may be more than thirty years from now until I sell anything that's worth it, and I may never do that. But I can beat the 1/2 right now and see something for my effort. Actually, not right now because I'm staying away from anything that has to do with cards and money until I stabilize my emotions.

Enough. Writing this post is making me feel worse than before, but I don't know if that is a good thing or not. Perhaps I need to get these feelings out.

[/ QUOTE ]

Good things in life do not happen in and of themselves.

[TaoTe]

Do you think a fictitious book about a poker player would be interesting?

[CaptSensible]

I suggest going to see a therapist. I do and it's really helped me out. It sounds like you are suffering from depression. I advise seeking professional help.
Good luck to you [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[USGrant]

1 - You should consider therapy if you're not already. Many therapists are available that offer sliding scale fees. It's a worthwhile investment that is always +EV.

2 - Try not to compare playing poker and writing based on possible income measurements, especially if you're a fiction writer. I think people should write fiction because they need to or love to do it. If they do it for money only than it's probably going to be crap fiction and will just be a waste of trees. If you're writing as a freelance journalist or marketer, than there's more money in it (not too much) and it's probably a much more worthwhile pursuit than poker. Poker is a spiritual dead end.

[KidPokerX]

Tao-
I would be interested in reading a fictional poker book, something creative. I bet you would be good at it too.
Give it a thought.

-KidPokerX

[BigBaitsim (milo)]

If you have bipolar disorder, APA Practice Guidelines state the most effective treatment is medication. Psychotherapy may be of some benefit as well.

Get help. Bipolar does not get better on its own.