Children - what should I do?

[jackdaniels]

Lotsa good advice here.

I hear from everyone I know who has kids that:

1. It is MUCH harder than they bargained for (most people have kids because "they are supposed to" - without giving it much thought)

2. That they wouldn't trade the experience for ANYTHING (not to say there aren't people out there who would reverse the decision if it was possible, I just don't know any firsthand - well, except one guy, but he is also divorced so this may not count)

All in all, I think my biggest fear is that if I have children and don't like the situation, there really is no way back; you simply have to live with the consequences till the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. This irrevocable life changing decision is what scares me most. Shajen said he still "feels like a kid" and as such can't see himself having kids just yet. He also says that he thinks this will pass and eventually he will be "ready". Well, I feel the same way and DON"T want to change. I hope I can go through life feeling like a kid and if having kids is going to change that, well, that's just more of a reason to avoid the situation all together.

As for making a list of the good reasons for not having kids and discussiong with my wife: My procrastination technique has worked well so far and I worry that "having a serious talk" will simply reinforce my wife's yearning to have children. In fact, I worry that she will try to "win" the "should we have kids" argument just for the sake of "winning the argument" (not sure if this behaviour is specific to my wife or if other wives behave in a similar fashion) - ofcourse, this will end in a stance which will be very hard for her to reverse (since she will have "drawn her line in the sand" so to speak and will not want to "back down").

[Shajen]

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In fact, I worry that she will try to "win" the "should we have kids" argument just for the sake of "winning the argument" (not sure if this behaviour is specific to my wife or if other wives behave in a similar fashion) - ofcourse, this will end in a stance which will be very hard for her to reverse (since she will have "drawn her line in the sand" so to speak and will not want to "back down").

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Ah, good point. The ole competitive arguing counter punch.

She's crafty. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[jackdaniels]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
In fact, I worry that she will try to "win" the "should we have kids" argument just for the sake of "winning the argument" (not sure if this behaviour is specific to my wife or if other wives behave in a similar fashion) - ofcourse, this will end in a stance which will be very hard for her to reverse (since she will have "drawn her line in the sand" so to speak and will not want to "back down").

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Ah, good point. The ole competitive arguing counter punch.

She's crafty. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

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You don't know the half of it... [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[4_2_it]

I have two kids and I still feel like a kid. Your life circumstances change when you have kids, but mentally you don't change. I love playing video games and CIV 4 with my oldest daughter. I look forward to introducing to that which we dare not name in a few years.

Plus, when you take your kids (3-6 years old) out by yourself to say Hooters, you get a lot of extra attention because your situation is obvious. (If the Hooter's girl is a knockout and you are a douche, you can always use the "It's a real shame about their mother" story. I haven't tried it, but I would predict that it has to have a 90% hit rate.)

My dad is 62 and one of the most profound things he has told me is that mentally he still feels like an 18-year old a lot of time. The older I get, the truer the words.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
Lotsa good advice here.

I hear from everyone I know who has kids that:

1. It is MUCH harder than they bargained for (most people have kids because "they are supposed to" - without giving it much thought)

2. That they wouldn't trade the experience for ANYTHING (not to say there aren't people out there who would reverse the decision if it was possible, I just don't know any firsthand - well, except one guy, but he is also divorced so this may not count)

All in all, I think my biggest fear is that if I have children and don't like the situation, there really is no way back; you simply have to live with the consequences till the kids are old enough to take care of themselves. This irrevocable life changing decision is what scares me most. Shajen said he still "feels like a kid" and as such can't see himself having kids just yet. He also says that he thinks this will pass and eventually he will be "ready". Well, I feel the same way and DON"T want to change. I hope I can go through life feeling like a kid and if having kids is going to change that, well, that's just more of a reason to avoid the situation all together.

As for making a list of the good reasons for not having kids and discussiong with my wife: My procrastination technique has worked well so far and I worry that "having a serious talk" will simply reinforce my wife's yearning to have children. In fact, I worry that she will try to "win" the "should we have kids" argument just for the sake of "winning the argument" (not sure if this behaviour is specific to my wife or if other wives behave in a similar fashion) - ofcourse, this will end in a stance which will be very hard for her to reverse (since she will have "drawn her line in the sand" so to speak and will not want to "back down").

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Im the last guy that is going to encourage you to have kids if you are not sure you want them. It is a huge responsibility and a life-long committment. If you want to continue to feel like a kid though then have kids. You get to play like a "kid" with them all the time. I find being a parent from an adult perspective rewarding beyond belief on it's own but I love my "kid" time.

[Los Feliz Slim]

You could always "accidentally" sever your testicles. That might work.

If you don't want kids, don't have kids. It's wonderful, but it is hard at times (and we have a very easy baby). If you feel like you got talked into it it's going to be a long, long, road. You're going to need to be honest with your wife. Honestly, IMO if the options are A) stay with wife and have kids you don't want or B) not have kids, wife leaves; option B makes more sense to me. The world already has way, way, way too many unwanted kids.

[daveymck]

The hardest part about kids isnt the first year of sleepless nights and constant attention they need, it is the change in dynamic in your relationship and the effect it has on your lifestyle. For example you could go home tonight and say lets goto the movies or a bar or whatever and do it, with kids it takes more planning. As they get older you find their social life takes over a bit of yours, with parties and whatever else they do sports etc.

With my relationship it was a kids included package which made my decision to want one of our own easier, but I do regret that we didnt have that single time together to travel etc.

You still will feel like a kid, just like at time you will probably feel like your father, you still can play games, have playstations etc etc with kids you dont have to change most of what you are.

There probably never is a "right" time to have kids anytime you have them it involves sacrifice and compromise.

All this sounds bad but there is probabvly no better thing in the world, having someone who lights up and runs towards you everytime they see you again, as well as all the other stuff is just great.

It does sound like she may be sounding out your reaction, I wouldnt try and push her either way more so if you deciede not to have them cos it could be somthing she blames you for down the line if regret kicks in. I would listen and talk it through with her in a nuetral way and see where she wants to go.

[MaxPower]

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Captain Obvious prediction: She's sounding you out. You'll have em, and will cave within 6 months. You won't regret it, in the end. You'll be very glad you did, in fact.

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I agree. If she didn't want to have kids she would already know and she would have discussed it with you already.

The fact that she is even discussing it means that she is considering having a baby.

There are a lot of web pages and newsgroups for people who want to live childfree and I have looked at some of them. There are two camps, those that have made a personal decision not to have children, and those that despise children and parents. While I respect the former group, I think the latter group are mostly insane.

[RunDownHouse]

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All this sounds bad but there is probabvly no better thing in the world, having someone who lights up and runs towards you everytime they see you again

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Man, I can't wait to go home and see my dog.

FWIW, I'd definitely recommend getting a dog to any couple that's been together a while. Kind of a baby-step towards thinking about kids, since together you're responsible for another living creature. Patrick, I think a good picture of Bowser will complete this hijack nicely.

[dcasper70]

Very similiar situation here (35, 32). I used to have your position, but have changed. We're trying now.

The big thoughts that pushed me over were.
a) I knew that if we had kids, I wouldn't regret it. I was just a little selfish and, yes, terrified about the 'regime change'.
b) I was very worried that if we didn't have kids, I'd regret it tremendously when I was older.
c) If we tried and failed, item b above would cease to be a factor. I'd chalk it up to fate/destiny/God, whatever.


If these thoughts don't go through your head and your primary goal is to swing her, I'd suggest lots and lots of travelling. Throw in plenty of spa treatments, jewelery, and romantic dinners. She's gotta want to keep the lifestyle.
If she gets baby tunnelvision, you're done, game over.

Lucky for you, either path is a winner.