Movie Review- Kingdome of Heaven

[tbach24]

This movie sucked. Don't see it. Basically it's just Orlando Bloom going from a blacksmith in France to major politician in Jerusalem in a matter of minutes. It was difficult to follow because they moved around so quickly, moved in directions a lot, and the people were either overly ugly, or unrealistic to the period.

Basically this movie was just Gladiator w/o the kickassness.

For those that have seen it or want to have it spoiled I will give an even further plot analysis in white:

<font color="white"> Orlando Bloom's wife dies. Later on that day he finds his father. He tells his father off. He kills a priest that buried his wife who had previously commit suicide, and the priest stole her neckless and called her names. His house burns down. He joins his father on the crusade. We meet the enemy on the way to some weird city. Bloom's father dies. Bloom becomes Baron of France. Bloom sails to Jerusalem, but his boat sinks and he and a horse are the only survivors. He goes along the desert and finds the horse. He kills some Arab dude over the horse, and takes that Arab's servant prisoner. When he gets to Jerusalem, he tells the Arab to have the horse and be free. We meet a decently hot chick, who has sex with Bloom. We meet the king (hot chick's brother) who has leproacy. All of a sudden Bloom becomes best friends to this dude. The bad guys kill some Arabs. The Arab king decides he wants war. There is a small skirmish at the beginning where Bloom's guys hold off a butt-load of Arabs and Bloom nearly dies, but the Arab servant saves him, and we find out he's the head Arab's right hand man. The Arab and Jerusalem king talk and decide not to go to war despite there being 100's of 1000's of people there ready to go. The king imprisons the bad guy's right hand man. The king then gets sick. The hot chick inquires to Bloom if he would be with her as opposed to the bad guy. Bloom irrationally decides not to which is really dumb because it causes lots of war. What a retard. The king dies and the bad guy becomes king. He tries to have Bloom killed, but Bloom whoops these dudes asses who are in full armor and have horses and swords with rocks. Yes rocks. He then tells the bad guy off, but the bad guy decides he wants to go to war with the Arabs anyways. The Arabs slaughter the Jerusalem people. The Arabs then go and try to take over Jerusalem, but Bloom holds them off. Finally, the Arab king decides to talk peace with Bloom. Bloom decides to give up Jerusalem, but his people get to leave safely. We see the queen with a dyke haircut. And then the English king and Bloom have an encounter back in France. Yes, how you feel now is how I felt during the movie. </font>

Other gay thing about this movie:
They did the close up with the hand with a locket (cross in this occasion) with the hand slowly closing. Gay cliche.

[a500lbgorilla]

Damnit, I was looking forward to this movie. And I just posted in another thread that Ridley Scotts pwns j00. Now I don't know what to believe...

[tbach24]

[ QUOTE ]
Damnit, I was looking forward to this movie. And I just posted in another thread that Ridley Scotts pwns j00. Now I don't know what to believe...

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah I was looking forward to it too. Just watch Gladiator. It's basically the same type of movie, just a lot cooler and much more smoothly-flowing.

[SomethingClever]

Kingdome of Heaven.... scene 1.




Scene 2:




Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!


I give it 17 out of 20 stars.

[fluxrad]

[ QUOTE ]
And I just posted in another thread that Ridley Scotts pwns j00

[/ QUOTE ]

Yeah, but we all knew that was false, so you're covered. Really, the man has only directed a few good movies, the last of which was Matchstick Men.

He's a good producer, but not a very good director.

[wonderwes]

It is orlando bloom. I figure it would be watching a mix character between Pirates of the Caribbean and LOTR.

Martin Short made a Jiminy Glick movie? Obviously the world has decided to go mad.