"Dear bison..." OR "Let me help you help me help you"

[bisonbison]

"Can asian man and white gill farr in rove?"
"Who's hotter: this 13-year-old or this 11-year-old?"
"I bought a game system for no reason, recommend some games"
"Why is it lightsabers can absorb lightening?"
"How do you guys make things in your life occur so that later you can talk about them?"

Sweet monkey jesus, you guys need help, and I'm here to provide it. Give me the opportunity to help you not be the way you are anymore. Let me clear your dazed mind, and get you out of the sullen masturbatory desk-stuck hunch that defines the blur of your waking hours. Ask me for advice, for I have gazed into the abyss and lived to tell the tale.

You weren't born a pathetic halfwit, and you don't have to die that way, but if some of you continue on your paths unobstructed, that's where you'll end up: friendless, alone and spotty.

From here into the foreseeable future, if you respond to this thread with a life-question or start an OOT thread called "Dear bison", I will repair your shattered existence.

Let me fix you. Let me cover your shame. It's the least I can do.