Bill Simmons' latest mailbag

[Easy E]

From Page 2

<font color="blue">Well, it has been a few weeks since the last mailbag, and you know what that means: Gentlemen, start your printers! This one's checking in at a cool 4,700 words ... and I don't even feel remotely guilty. As always, these are actual questions from actual readers:

Q: Do you think it is time for a moratorium on all poker metaphors? Not just in your column, but in all columns in all the magazines and sites? As the co-writer of both "Rounders" and "Tilt," I feel some responsibility for the poker language bludgeoning we are all taking and I want to be the first to address it. Thanks.
-- Brian Koppleman, NYC

SG: No problem, Koppleman -- as long as you agree that "Rounders 2" can't happen without Damon and Norton, then I agree to banish all poker metaphors from my column. But if I read that "Rounders 2" is happening with someone like Wilmer Valderrama or Johnny Knoxville taking over as Mike McD, all bets are off.

While we're here, let's make two other poker pacts ...

1. Now that Jackpot Jay has retired, nobody can write any more poker columns. Stop writing them, stop reading them, just stop. We all know how to play at this point. We know that you can get screwed over on the river ... it happens. We know that you can get lucky on the river ... it happens. But if I have to read one more column about how the writer had three jacks, and he thought they would hold up, but then somebody else was going for a straight, and then when he saw that 7 of hearts, he knew it was trouble ... for the love of God, who cares??? It's poker! When you're at a table where everyone knows how to play -- and by the way, just about everyone knows how to play now -- it's 90 percent luck! You might as well write columns giving the play-by-play of a scratch card you scratched off outside a convenience store. Enough. Please stop. I would rather read 200 holier-than-thou columns about Rafael Palmeiro over another poker column.

(And if you're going to keep writing them, at least make fun of everyone else at your table. Your average poker player looks like he should be holding a squeegee at a stoplight in Manhattan, scalping tickets outside of Edison Field, pushing a hot dog truck in Hartford or chain-smoking outside of a VD clinic waiting for his granddaughter to come out. This needs to be mentioned at all times. Repeat: All times.)

2. No more glorifying poker players. For instance, one of the more famous players has the nickname "Jesus," as you might have heard Norm Chad mention 65,234 times on that World Series show (when the guy really looks like Waingro from "Heat"). Should a guy who devotes his life to deceiving other human beings with cards really be called "Jesus"? Shouldn't poker players only be allowed to have nicknames like "Fish Eye" and "Scumball"? Also, how hard can it be to play poker for a living when Jennifer Tilly, Tobey Maguire and Ben Affleck have won major tournaments? Even in a sport like golf, when the celebrities play with the pros, they're clearly inferior (just watch HBO's excellent show about Ray Romano and Kevin James trying to make the cut at Pebble Beach). In poker, anyone can become a pro -- you just need enough cash to get started and a ton of time on your hands. I mean, have you seen Jennifer Tilly on a talk show? Not a Mensa threat. </font>

I pray to get seated with Mr 90% Luck one day..

[Quicksilvre]

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1. Now that Jackpot Jay has retired, nobody can write any more poker columns. Stop writing them, stop reading them, just stop.

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Never read Paulle or Castrani, I gander.

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2. No more glorifying poker players.

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This actually sounds OK.

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Also, how hard can it be to play poker for a living when Jennifer Tilly, Tobey Maguire and Ben Affleck have won major tournaments?

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I'd love to see this guy try. Especially if he sits to my right.

[TheWorstPlayer]

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Also, how hard can it be to play poker for a living when Jennifer Tilly, Tobey Maguire and Ben Affleck have won major tournaments?

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Maybe he doesn't know the subtle differences between tournament and cash game play. When was the last time Jennifer Tilly sat in a tough cash game trying to make ends meet?

[Aloysius]

Upon reading this mailbag (someone e-mailed me the link) I was really irritated.

The problem is, for some reason, people really like Bill Simmons. Why - I donno. I think I've read enough of his columns, and basically, to me, he's an average intelligence guy + average knowledge base in sports + above average humor = weirdly loyal (and I guess large) fan base.

This poker mailbag commentary underscores his typical combination of lack of knowledge / smarts and strong, baseless opinions.

[rt1]

rick riley wrote an article like this a few months or maybe a year ago. when you read this stuff you can tell these guys have no idea what they are talking about. i am all for it, if its 90% luck, then the fish will play more.

[shant]

Bill Simmons' biggest douchebag

[B Dids]

Bill Simmons should write this every day, it's in our best interest. Isn't that pretty damn obvious?

I agree with a lot of what he wrote.

[Aloysius]

Actually, his "poker pro vs. golf pro" analogy is a good one. I can't beat Tiger in match play, but I could, like Matt Damon, beat Johnny Chan in a heads-up situation.

However his main complaint is lodged against (in his opening volley) the countless poker articles posted about bad beats. And then he goes on to say that it's 90% luck - these are both patently absurd comments that only a hack would make.

[Victor]

i like it. hes mostly right. clearly the 90% is bs but i dont think its supposed to be mathematical analysis. no one reads this guy for statistical anaylysis.