Craig’s Not Gay? Bachelor Party Trip Report. Long and Content Free.

Tenacious A · #1 12-23-2004, 04:15 PM

Just found 2+2 and wrote up this report of an August trip…

So my buddy Craig, formerly known as the Fat Kid, up and moves to California about a year ago. He said it was for a girl, which was surprising since he’s 32, has never been married and enjoys listening to Cher. He took a job as a temp, which I assumed was Cali-speak for Gay Porn Laborer. But, to my surprise, a few months later he’s engaged-- so we began planning the Bachelor Party in Vegas.

The first step was making koozies. One side said “Bachelor Party Las Vegas” and the other side said “Craig’s Not Gay?” with a picture that looks remarkably similar to the one 2000 Flushes has on this forum—man in gay porn moustache (GPM). We planned on having 10-12 guys on the trip, so I think we ended up getting 110 koozies. We really only wanted the minimum order of 55, but when the lady told us we could get twice as many for twice as much money we really couldn’t say no. No one was allowed to take a drink of anything the entire trip unless it was in a koozie.

Next step…finding the absolute worst on strip property. SWA Vacation prices seemed to indicate that it might be the Westward Ho. Perfect. Now, the tough decision…do we stay in the nicer rooms in the front of the house for like $5 more, or do we stay in the rear of house. Needless to say, we chose the Ho’s Rear.

Next up…making T-Shirts. The front had a little square on the bosom area that read “Craig’s Not Gay? Bachelor Party Las Vegas” with a picture of a GPM. When he was still “the Fat Kid”, Craig had made the mistake of posing for a “before” (Body for life? Subway diet? can’t remember) picture wearing only his boxers. We used that pic, but touched it up a bit--adding some chest hair (German Italian Indians aren’t naturally hairy creatures), and transformed his goatee into a moustache. That picture filled up the entire back of the T-Shirt, with the slogan “WHAT HAPPENS IN THE WESTWARD HO’S REAR, STAYS IN THE WESTWARD HO’S REAR”. I made all the T-Shirts with a little iron on kit I got from Costco. Turns out ironing is not one of my strengths….nor is growing facial hair, but…

We decided that the group would all grow GPMs. I figured most of them would puss out, because none of us would ever intentionally grow a moustache—we all would look like George and Jerry when they had moustaches in that Seinfeld episode. I tried to grow a goatee…for over 6 weeks. The hair on my face grows sporadically at best, and the goatee just looked plain bad. Luckily for me I had just been laid off, and got to go to a job interview with that mess of hair on my face. I guess the hiring manager is into GP, because I got the job. Final count out of 12, 6 pussies and 6 guys who could have easily passed for the stars of such GP classics as “Three Men and a Little Man” and “Easy Moustache Rider”.

The final piece of pre trip planning was making sure everyone had clothes that went with the GPMs. The qualifier was, “If you’d be embarrassed to be seen with someone wearing it, it’s probably perfect.” I got a smoking hot tan leisure suit that didn’t match my red velvet shoes that were already in my wardrobe (I might need an I’m not Gay? Party). As with the moustaches, only about half the guys were non pussies. Ken found some Lederhosen and a black wool Russian hat. Jason might have taken the cake with a black and white checkered jump suit/unitard thingee. CAMEL TOES AHOY!!! Craig went with the gay pirate look--puffy shirt straight out of Seinfeld, and black hot pants with flowers up the side. I don’t know how we let it happen, but he actually called his fiancée on the trip to complain that she let him buy something that all the guys said looked gay, she responded, “I thought you were going for gay”.

On the flight out, we made up a game called “Who can get the most famous person to touch their moustache?” We walked off the plane and there was Howard Lederer. I elected not to ask him to touch my GPM.

Got checked into our room at the Ho and dump is not a strong enough word. It was hilarious. The Ho’s rear is like an old motor lodge with rooms that head out the back parking lot as far as you can see. Our rooms were a couple buildings down. August in Vegas is a tad warm. It was nice to go to the room, shower, and be pitting by the time you got back to the Ho. I’m sure the leisure suit had nothing to do with that. The package in the Ho’s rear included unlimited drinking and free lunch everyday. How many free drinks do you have to have in order to order the Ho’s Chicken Parmesan? And, yet I ate every bite. I don’t recommend the foot long chili dog’s either.

Saturday night we went out in full GP gear, armed with multiple koozies. On the cab ride Craig got the brunt of plenty of gay pirate jokes, the obligatory “Quit asking if you can scrub my poop deck", etc. Our first stop was the $4.99 steak dinner at Ellis Island. Freaking great steak (that is, compared to the Ho’s Chicken Parm). Not as great was having a gay waiter (GW). (They have gay waiters now, what’s next?) I’m not sure GW cared for the koozies. Some of GW’s gay buddies were there and came up with something clever like, “Craig’s not gay? That’s not what he said last night”. Anyway, we’re having dinner when we hear the Karaokee room going crazy and a singing voice that sounded familiar, it was Craig’s “roommate” (he says they’re just friends). His roommate moved from Tennessee to Hollywood to become an actor, hence his moniker MattStoweActor (MSA) (I changed his name from MattLoweActor to protect his identity). Anywho, turns out MLA was out on the town with an old high school girlfriend. She was hotter than Craig’s pants…and married…and super extra drunk, as was MSA. I wish I could’ve been there when he returned her to her husband who was getting off work, and told him she was too drunk to drive home. MSA then left a drunken, “I’m soooo sorry” message on her answering machine. On a brighter note, MSA did win the most famous person to touch my GPM contest, since the girl was a performer. I chose not to introduce him to my wife at the wedding.

So we make the short walk over to Bally’s and find that they’ve just opened their poker “room”. It’s like six tables next to the miniBaccarat or whatever. They start a new 2/4 table for us, and we proceed to pay Bally’s to pass each other’s money around for us. I remember throwing cards at Unitard Boy for pumping a pot with nothing and going runner, runner for a straight. I vaguely remember throwing one of the koozies in the pot and having the kid next to me actually get excited that he took down 10BBs and a Craig’s Not Gay (?) koozie. How do people play live poker? I’m used to five tabling online and live just feels painfully slow. The only thing that made it bearable was crown and coke and a sea of badly dressed men with GPMs.

This is already too long, so I’ll wrap up. Sunday was a lot more cocktails and lost koozies. I was impressed that some of the hookers in Vegas actually have cars. One last highlight was fat drunk lady (FDL) who demanded a koozie from us at the Ho around 8pm. She was spotted near Bellagio, drunker and fatter at 4:00am, but she was still clutching the koozie.

After trip note: After the wedding in September, 8 of us stayed in Manhattan Beach. Also dining at our restaurant was Jimmy Kimmell, who had bloodshot eyes--weird. I ran to the car and grabbed a koozie. After dinner when we were both about to leave, I walked up to Jimmy, dropped the koozie on him and said, “Hey, we got you a koozie” and walked away. We saw him on the street a few minutes later and I sort of poked him and said, “Good luck with that Koozie”. He gave me the annoyed brush off--the kind of look you might expect if you poke a celebrity. So I said louder, “NO SERIOUSLY. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT KOOZIE.” It then dawned on him that I was his good friend that gave him the koozie, so he turned around, lifted the koozie and said, “Give Craig my congratulations”.

Craig’s not gay.