The best "Family Guy" quotes

[Alobar]

I think my favorite is

brian: "whiney little runt isnt she?" "what? I said runt!"

[YourFoxyGrandma]

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

[NLSoldier]

stewey "yeah sunny D, all right!!!"

[Evan]

Stewie: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said "Oh, I'm sorry.. is this better? Check... Check... Check... Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

[Sponger15SB]

Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.


---

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
(pause)
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

[BonJoviJones]

Lois: Peter! He's charming! All british men are!
Peter: Yeah right... that's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
--- (cut to man writing at a desk circa 1850) ---
Benjamin Disraeli: [to the camera] You don't even know who I am.

[elwoodblues]

[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

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Lois Griffin: We'll continue this talk after dinner. Women are not objects.
Peter Griffin: That's right, son, listen to what it says.

------------------------------
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

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Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.

-----------------------------------

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

----------------------------

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

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Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

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Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.


-----------------------------
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.

[DrSavage]

For every time you post another quote from Family Guy... I shall kill you.

[mistrpug]

Peter: I don't want you kids swimming unless there's a lifegaurd on duty. Hahaha...duty. Hahaha...diarrhea. Hey Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter Diarrhea.
Lois: Hehe..haha...Peter! I'm holding iced tea!...haha...

I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
Peter: AAHHHHH!
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?!

[ArchAngel71857]

[Brian and Stewie are stealing a car]
B: What about that one?
S: An SUV? We are trying to elude someone, not drive them to soccer practice.


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[Brian speaking to a Mexican]
B: Ola, me amo es Brian, um . . .
Guy: That was good, but you don't need to say 'es' instead you can just say "me amo brian."
B; Oh, you speak English?
m: No, just that last sentence and this one explaining it.
B: Are. Are you serious?
M: Que?

-AA