Cocaine and flying on a plane (trace amount of cocaine)????

[tdarko]

you will never quit if you keep making excuses for why you do or did it. mike ness and movies have nothing to do with you, nothing about is glorified in the po*er world either. until you can quit talking about gangsters and gamblers and all this propaganda i don't think you are going to quit. i pray that you do though b/c i have seen it ruin some people close to me.

the pic was just to make light of a stuffy situation. [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

I wasn't making excuses. I was more psychoanalyzing an obvious attraction to self destruction (which is more of a root cause of the cocaine..btw...this anonymous account is kind of nice...being so open and girlie like [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img] ). But, I also have an attraction to redemption. Take for example Malcom X (screw all political and racial beliefs for the time being). This is a man who was a pimp and a coke head. He rose up form that and became the main speaker for the NOI. Which is a big step, but they were racist and violent. Yet, he even changed his tone on that when he realized it was bullshit. Now, once again, this isn't about any of his political beliefs (though I personally agree with many), but more about redemption. So, even though I have a an attraction, for whatever reason, to self destruction, I aslo have an attraction to redemption. That was the point of my previous post.

I don't feel I am making excuses. I think I know why I do/did coke. I was bored and lonely. And no matter how many girls I [censored] or dated, it wouldn't go away.

Also, the Mike Ness comment was more about him and his drug use and then redempiton/grace. And this was someone I looked up to as a kid. And both Malcolm and Mike Ness are part of my inspiration for quitting. Because if they did it for years and I have only been doing it for a short while comparitively, I can quit just like they did.

See, I have no personal friends that were on this [censored] (or any other major drugs), so I have to look up to people that I have never met (okay, I met Mike Ness, but he isn't my friend).

I wanted to just say one other thing (well until someone comments on something else [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]). Based on a lot of people's comments (not everybody's), it seems that people don't think I realize I have a problem. I realize this very much. When one friend told me that him and his friends a few years ago would buy an eight ball and it would last them about a week, I remember telling him that I did that in 24 hours. I didn't even think it was that big of a deal until he said "holy [censored]! You need to stop. You need help" (those were his exact words). I didn't even realize the problem was that big even when I was told that. Then when I realized I bought 1K this week (and by this week I don't mean today; the beginning of the week..haha)..i mean in one weeks time, I knew something really wasn't right. And when I kept doing it, even though I wasn't alwyas enjoying it, I knew things were pretty bad. And once the highs were only lasting 15-20 minutes, I really knew there was a problem.

Now, I almost have no choice to quit. Even if I took away all the mental and physical reasons to quit..even if those didn't exist or I didn't care, I cannot afford it monetary wise. It would be 4K a month. Anb that would move up within 2 months max. Where am I going to come up with $5500 hundreds dollars (including rent, bills, food..well I wouldn't eat as much) a month to support this habit. And like I said this would only increase. But, with the monetary problems come, the pride problems. Because I would have to make the money somehow. Either by commiting some form of crimes; i.e. dealing drugs (and isn't there a rule you don't get high on your own supply), stealing expensive [censored], prostitution (i have heard many stories of boys/men that got hooked on drugs and turned to this), etc...All these things are very degrading to me. Or, I could get caught with a bag of coke on me and get arrested. And the cops would probably try to make a deal with me; either I rat on my dealer or go to jail. Neither sound like real safe ideas. And I couldn't rat, because the guy I get the [censored] from could possibly get me killed (he is a nice guy, but who knows what he would do to stay out of jail. And lead to other reasons to quit....

I don't want to go to prison. That is my second biggest fear (right behind HIV/Cancer)..and there is a good chance that I would get HIV in prison. Whiteboys probably get [censored] in the ass more than black guys do.

Also, I am not a momma's boy. But, all of the above would break her heart. This is something I do not want to do. And the worst thing I could tell her, in this particular order, is that I am dying, i am going to prison, or I am on drugs.

But, all those reasons to NOT do it are great. But, from what I have been told from friends and shrinks..I need to find positive reasons to quit. Positive motivaton. I am very compassionate and enjoy helping people. And I can't help people if I can't help myself. And even though I have a great job, I want to go back to school to either counsel abused children, adoloscents, and adults. Or, maybe work for some organization that does some type of work on fighting the slave/sex trade. Both of the above are something that really really really bothers me. But, If I continue to do coke, I won't ever accomplish these things.

I also want to have a child some day. Of course this would require me to have sex again (hahahaha) and most likely get married. I am sure lots of girls want to marry a junky.

I also want to quit, because when I quit smoking, I was so proud. 13-14 years of smoking and I just up and quit one night. (obviously i have some self destrucitve side, but hopefully with cousenling and teatment I can get rid of this..the pattern can be broken). And I can take pride that I took a huge "gamble" with coke, got involved much deeper than i thought i would, but had the brains and heart to get out of it. And I can, like I said, take pride in that.

And, one last reason to quit is the moral reasons. Even though I am sure I will catch sh-t for this, I am definitely pretty far left (not a liberal...much further left than that..but not a commie..haha). I am vegan, I don't want to support scumbag companies (that was part motivation when I quit smoking. Why give money to a business who kills people??), and I know the hell people go through so people like me can get cocaine. Their have been regimes in colombia that have put people through hell so we can get this crap. And, now, Mexico is the biggest exporter of drugs. And these poor kids risk their lives to get this [censored] in the U.S. I can't support that.

Okay, this rant is almost over. The reason I went so in depth was not to prove how serious I am about quitting. I don't have anything to prove. I am fairly humble in fact. But, maybe another 2+2er will read this and realize that they shouldn't do it or can stop doing it. Even if it is just one person, that would make me happy.

And, I apologize, but one last reason I want to quit is because I don't want to "lose my soul" ("soul" for lack of better term). I know that drugs make people stop caring, they become selfish, and they sometimes become homicidal/or suicidal. And that is not me.

I was not happy before I started doing drugs, which is probably why I started, but I need to quit first and then get to the bottom of my unhappiness (I have recently been told I have bipolar2...which is harder to diagnose and is not as serious as regular bipolar disease). Which, being a bipolar person(whether one or two), these types of people tend to gravitate towards cocaine or alcohol (I don't drink at all..I can't stan drinking..it makes me sick).

Anyways...I am done with this rant. I believe I can quit. And I know I will quit. It might be real hard. Or maybe it will be easier than I think. I will find out.

And if I crack when I get back, then I will for certain take Eastbay's advice. Because I refuse to become/stay a junkie. I have no excuse. I had a fairly good childhood, I have a very good job (I mean I get paid fairly well, especially since I work from home, I have friends who love me and who I love, and I have all the options in the world (I believe a lot of people turn to drugs because they feel trapped and dont' feel they have a lot of options).

Okay, I am for real finished now. Sorry once again.

p.s. I am very suprised how supportive the OOT group has been. Even though Eastbay was kind of giving me a hard time, I still feel he wasn't doing it to be a jerk. I just think he doesn't 100% understand the situation, because it appears (and I could be wrong) he has never been in the situation.

Sorry for such a long post. I just wanted to kind of get all my thoughts out and I hope I didn't bore or ruin anybody's day with this post.

[bugstud]

I think the sabbatical is a really good idea fwiw.

Drugs are bad, mmmkay?

[ILL34GL3]

Didn't read the whole thread but just wanted to tell you how I kicked my coke habit. It was simple. I just had to sever all ties with anyone who could get me coke for a few months. I slept alot during that period.

Good luck man. Glad you've realized cocaine sucks ballsgina.

[peachy]

if ur serious about quitting...send me a PM or something if u want and ill tell u how i dealt with it

[sublime]

if you decide not to quit, i will be glad to turn you out on the streets of LA.

[eastbay]

[ QUOTE ]
eastbay,

usually your posts are excellent and i can tell youre a smart guy, but here i think youre wrong. cocaine ruins peoples lives for a reason. its not as simple as "dont buy it anymore" if you are addicted. i think getting to a place where the drug isnt available and out of the "cocaine-poker-cocaine" routine is a good idea.

[/ QUOTE ]

You misunderstand me. My first post was just a stick-poke to see where this guy's at. He's bad. Real bad.

I'm not saying don't go. I'm saying going is not going to solve the problem. He's just going to buy when he gets back, unless someone is there to stop him. I've witnessed this more than once. I've seen what happens to people. The idea that "clearing his head" is going to change things for more than a few days after his return is a fantasy.

Certainly getting in a program is a necessity, but it sounds as if an outpatient program isn't going to be sufficient.

I'm not totally ignorant of the general idea personally, either. I've quit smoking, and I've read it many places that this is more difficult with a higher recitivism rate than just about any drug, including cocaine. People smoke through their stomas for a reason.

Quitting like this is as simple or complicated as you want to make it. Believe me, I've made it complicated, with the endless "first I'll just do this" excuses that never seem to end or produce the desired results. The desired results are realizing that you want to stop, and then stopping. Stopping consists of getting rid of your supplies and not buying any more. Period.

If you can't do that, you have to change your environment until you can.

eastbay

[sublime]

[ QUOTE ]
if ur serious about quitting...send me a PM or something if u want and ill tell u how i dealt with it

[/ QUOTE ]



you have come so far!