What do I do here...

[crownjules]

The situation:

I went whitewater rafting with a bunch of friends this past weekend. Had a ball, probably one of the most fun weekends I've had in a long time. This girl came along who is a friend of my best friend's ex-gf (who also came along), and we hung out a lot throughout the course of the weekend. She is a really cool girl, not to mention f'n cute, and I would love to "get to know her better".

The problem:

She has a boyfriend. She only mentioned him once or twice when she called him early on (our car broke down on the way up and he was a potential way of getting up there, but she didn't really want him coming - more on that soon). Even though she referred to him as a boyfriend only, she was wearing what looked to me like an engagement ring (the only ring she was wearing). I work with a girl that more often than not refers to her fiancee as a boyfriend, so I of course am wondering if the same applies here.

Normally, I don't chase after girls I find out are involved with someone already. I just view it as wasting my time going after something that I have one more huge obstacle to overcome. However, I spent a lot more time with this girl and she's not one to pass over so easily.

Other key points:

- As mentioned earlier, she wasn't keen on the idea of her BF coming along. From snips of convos I overheard while we were broken down, there might be possible relationship problems. The only concrete thing she said to me was that she wanted to have fun this weekend and him coming along would have put a stop to that.

- She was very outgoing towards me. For example, I was freezing one night since I didn't pack a sweater or coat, and as soon as she noticed she quickly offered me her sweatshirt (she had two). She seemed to always come to me first to give me a hand back into the boat after our numerous dumps (we told our guide to take us down the river the hard way so we lost people almost every major rapid). Lots of other little things, too.

- Upon dropping me off and saying goodbyes, she gave me an especially big hug that wasn't expected and told me she enjoyed hanging out and had a lot of fun.

I didn't ask for her number or anything, figuring that would be a little weird at this point, but I did extend her the invitation of hanging out again soon as a group. Getting her number wouldn't be too difficult I imagine, since I know her best friend. Like I said, I just usually give up as soon as I hear mention of a boyfriend and go on to find a different girl, so I don't know what approach is best to take here. Anyone with experience (preferably successful experience) in a similar situation know what to do here and can give a few tips?

[IndieMatty]

She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[crownjules]

[ QUOTE ]
She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit it's easy to fall into this trap, but I'm usually good at distinguishing the difference. It is not too hard when you factor in body language, inflections of voice, etc.

I wasn't asking should I give up or not. I was asking what should I do given that I want to chase this.

Ask the best friend what the story is?

[TripleH68]

You are in a lousy situation.

In my experience women like this are looking for a self-esteem builder. She has a 'boyfriend' but your attention sure makes her feel good about herself. That is until you show serious interest in her. Then you are sunk.

Your only chance is if she comes to you. You sure don't want her using you as a crutch to break things off with her current other.

[lu_hawk]

indie matty is right, inflections be damned. your only hope is to try to start some sort of casual exchange, possibly over e-mail. basically you have to let her do it, if she has a boyfriend and wants to stay with her boyfriend then being straightforward is going to turn her off big time. i give you a 0.1% chance of success.

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit it's easy to fall into this trap, but I'm usually good at distinguishing the difference. It is not too hard when you factor in body language, inflections of voice, etc.

I wasn't asking should I give up or not. I was asking what should I do given that I want to chase this.

[/ QUOTE ]

You weren't good this time. She mentioned the boyfriend. Game [censored] over.

Sorry man.

[touchfaith]

...and yet another stalker is born...

[maxfisher]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit it's easy to fall into this trap, but I'm usually good at distinguishing the difference. It is not too hard when you factor in body language, inflections of voice, etc.

I wasn't asking should I give up or not. I was asking what should I do given that I want to chase this.

[/ QUOTE ]

You weren't good this time. She mentioned the boyfriend. Game [censored] over.

Sorry man.

[/ QUOTE ]
i concur sp? here, the boyfriend will simply prove to be too great an obstacle to overcome

[IndieMatty]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[/ QUOTE ]

I will admit it's easy to fall into this trap, but I'm usually good at distinguishing the difference. It is not too hard when you factor in body language, inflections of voice, etc.

I wasn't asking should I give up or not. I was asking what should I do given that I want to chase this.

[/ QUOTE ]

You weren't good this time. She mentioned the boyfriend. Game [censored] over.

Sorry man.

[/ QUOTE ]
i concur sp? here, the boyfriend will simply prove to be too great an obstacle to overcome

[/ QUOTE ]

I mean if OP wants to try, wtf, but he said he wasn't a fan in fruitless attempts.

[2planka]

See if you can take a class with her next summer. Then stare at her every day, transform her into some idealized verison of pure womanhood, tell everyone you're going to ask her out on the day of the final, then wuss out.

Oh, and post about it here (http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=2975314&page=&view=&sb=5& o=&fpart=1&vc=1)

[Soul Daddy]

[ QUOTE ]
She has a boyfriend, and you are confusing her being a nice person with liking you. Move on.

[/ QUOTE ]
Correct. Best case scenario is she keeps you in her back pocket to use for a rebound.

[morgan180]

Her flirting with you was just enough revenge for her to 'get back' at her boyfriend/fiance by being friendly with another guy and to build her self-esteem as being desirable to someone else than the person she is with. that, and a weekend away, was all she needed to feel good about herself and give her power back in her current relationship. now some women will want to sleep with you during that weekend to get the same feeling and those are the ones you could pounce on in that moment, but now i'd be over it - it's finished.

you're only other option is that in a few weeks/months she'll feel bad about her relationship again, want another weekend or night out amongst friends and she'll have a few drinks, remember you being friendly and ...

[FouTight]

Wasn't this movie called "Wedding Crashers"?

[jakethebake]

My guess is that if it's an engagement ring, you could've had a nice last fling with her while on the trip but your opportunity has come and gone.

[cassette]

I once had a friend give me some really good advice about a situation similar to this. He said that if this girl is willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with me then she is probably going to do the same thing to me if her and I are ever together.
If trust is important to you, drop this one.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I once had a friend give me some really good advice about a situation similar to this. He said that if this girl is willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with me then she is probably going to do the same thing to me if her and I are ever together.
If trust is important to you, drop this one.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well that's only applicable if the op was wanting to have some kind of long-term relationship with her.

[jackdaniels]

If you REALLY like this girl (not just trying to bang her) do what you have to do to win her heart. Don't worry about a boyfriend/fiance she wasn't very eager to have on this trip anyway - he is just an obstacle (like one of those complicated bras you used to struggle with in school).

All is fair in love and war.

[cassette]

In which case trust would not be important to him.

But there are lots of girls out there. I don't think it's worth being "that guy" over a one nighter.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I don't think it's worth being "that guy" over a one nighter.

[/ QUOTE ]

Which guy?

[M2d]

happy birthday, Jake

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
happy birthday, Jake

[/ QUOTE ]

thanks, man. /images/graemlins/grin.gif

[RacersEdge]

[ QUOTE ]
The only concrete thing she said to me was that she wanted to have fun this weekend and him coming along would have put a stop to that.



[/ QUOTE ]

This is your best sign. That sounds like a relationship on rocky ground, unless it a little spat they had. I think it's a possible opening though.

[ThisHo]

[ QUOTE ]
Ask the best friend what the story is?

[/ QUOTE ]

Pass your friend a note in 3rd period so that he can pass to his exGF in 5th period and maybe by 6th period gym class you can find out if she likes you or not.

OR

e-mail her a link to this thread and ask her to respond?

ThisHo

ps... Happy Birthday to Jake!

[slickpoppa]

If this girl is willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with you, then she is not worth it. If you are just looking for a fling, then there are probably a lot easier options out there.

Move on for now, but once in a while ask her friend about her and see if she broke up with the guy. But for now, there is nothing you can do.

[crownjules]

A few last retorts, but appreciate the replies in general.

[ QUOTE ]
You weren't good this time. She mentioned the boyfriend. Game [censored] over.


[/ QUOTE ]

An hour into our trip, the convo went like this:

Friend (realizing his car can't be fixed): Well we need options because we're not getting up there in this car.
Girl: Well I guess I could call my BF and have him pick us up in his truck. But I'd prefer to use that as the last option we have. I want to have fun this weekend, and bringing him along means I won't.

Paraphrased from memory, but this isn't the standard drop the fact that I have a BF into a conversation to let you know that I'm taken. Not to mention at this point, I really hadn't done much other than turned around from the front seat of the car to say one or two things to her. I don't think I had displayed any sort of romantic interest to her at all during the whole trip, let alone before that.

[ QUOTE ]
...and yet another stalker is born...

[/ QUOTE ]

What? Yeah, I guess somewhere, but not here buddy. A guy can't chase a girl he's interested in? There's a line between being reasonable about it and crossing over into stalker territory, and I am not the type to overstep that. Or if you're referring to this thread...what's wrong with seeking a little advice?

[ QUOTE ]
Wasn't this movie called "Wedding Crashers"?

[/ QUOTE ]

... /images/graemlins/confused.gif


[ QUOTE ]
I once had a friend give me some really good advice about a situation similar to this. He said that if this girl is willing to cheat on her boyfriend to be with me then she is probably going to do the same thing to me if her and I are ever together.

[/ QUOTE ]

Very true, and very much realized by myself. This should be common sense. But cheating never entered the equation. If it had, consideration would have been dropped for anything more than a fling. Not what I was planning for with her.

[ QUOTE ]
Pass your friend a note in 3rd period so that he can pass to his exGF in 5th period and maybe by 6th period gym class you can find out if she likes you or not.

[/ QUOTE ]

THANKS!! By the end of the day, I hope to be walking her to the buses and then eat lunch with her tomorrow. And then five days from now, I'll dump her so I can look cool to all my friends because I don't need her.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
An hour into our trip, the convo went like this:

Friend (realizing his car can't be fixed): Well we need options because we're not getting up there in this car.
Girl: Well I guess I could call my BF and have him pick us up in his truck. But I'd prefer to use that as the last option we have. I want to have fun this weekend, and bringing him along means I won't.

[/ QUOTE ]
Why didn't she just call him by name, then? I assume since you're all friends, people would know who the guy was if she called him by name?

[IndieMatty]

Read slickpoppas post. He's 100% on.

[Smackdab]

[ QUOTE ]
The only concrete thing she said to me was that she wanted to have fun this weekend and him coming along would have put a stop to that.


[/ QUOTE ]

You should have banged her this weekend. Of course she didn't want a relationship out of it, she just wanted to "have fun".

Man you should have settled for the one nighter. I'm telling you it was there.

[crownjules]

[ QUOTE ]
Why didn't she just call him by name, then? I assume since you're all friends, people would know who the guy was if she called him by name?

[/ QUOTE ]

No, she's from outside this group of friends. She was invited by her friend who is in the group.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
You should have banged her this weekend. Of course she didn't want a relationship out of it, she just wanted to "have fun".

Man you should have settled for the one nighter. I'm telling you it was there.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is clearly correct.

[nolanfan34]

I'll give a few thoughts counter to some of what's said in this thread.

The situation all depends on your motives. If you're only looking to hook up, then you probably missed the chance. If you feel like you genuinely like her, and are looking for more of a potential dating situation, then that's different.

If that's the case, then I say to do nothing outside of the group gathering. Don't try to pursue her directly while she has the BF. Your only winning chance, is for there to be some group situations where you can hang out again, in a casual manner. Don't try to make any moves when this happens. Just be yourself, and have fun spending time with your mutual friends.

Down the road if she loses the BF, then you've already accomplished a lot. She's seen how you act when you're not outwardly trying to impress her, and she's seen that you get along with mutual friends - something her current BF seems to lack.

You pretty much have to take the passive route here, if you force the issue, I think only bad things will happen. Let it play out in a natural way.

[morgan180]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You should have banged her this weekend. Of course she didn't want a relationship out of it, she just wanted to "have fun".

Man you should have settled for the one nighter. I'm telling you it was there.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is clearly correct.

[/ QUOTE ]

if you just wanted to hook up this was clearly you're only opportunity. my brother met some girl in palm springs that was married but wanted to get back at her husband, so she slept with him, but she didn't kiss him.

[Smackdab]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You should have banged her this weekend. Of course she didn't want a relationship out of it, she just wanted to "have fun".

Man you should have settled for the one nighter. I'm telling you it was there.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is clearly correct.

[/ QUOTE ]

if you just wanted to hook up this was clearly you're only opportunity. my brother met some girl in palm springs that was married but wanted to get back at her husband, so she slept with him, but she didn't kiss him.

[/ QUOTE ]

I understand that. Wonder if she swallowed?

[morgan180]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You should have banged her this weekend. Of course she didn't want a relationship out of it, she just wanted to "have fun".

Man you should have settled for the one nighter. I'm telling you it was there.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is clearly correct.

[/ QUOTE ]

if you just wanted to hook up this was clearly you're only opportunity. my brother met some girl in palm springs that was married but wanted to get back at her husband, so she slept with him, but she didn't kiss him.

[/ QUOTE ]

I understand that. Wonder if she swallowed?

[/ QUOTE ]

i'm told it was more of the 'target practice' variety.