Asking her father for permission

[slickpoppa]

So recently my brother got engaged and before he proposed he asked her father for permission. Anyone else think that this is an incredibly stupid and outdated tradition? I will probably do the same thing before I propose to someone, but if the father said no, I would still marry her anyway.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
So recently my brother got engaged and before he proposed he asked her father for permission. Anyone else think that this is an incredibly stupid and outdated tradition? I will probably do the same thing before I propose to someone, but if the father said no, I would still marry her anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

I like it. If they say no, then you probably never would have gotten along anyway so you haven't lost anything by marrying her anyway. They'd probably say yes, and you've shown a little respect for the old man, and he'll probably appreciate it. Finally, speaking as a father, I'd appreciate it very much if someone did this. I wouldn't find it necessary, but I would appreciate the gesture.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

This is not stupid. There is a certain amount of respect that should be shown and this is one of the ways that this is done.

[Rick Diesel]

I did not ask for permission before I got married because I was very pissed off at her parents at the time. Reflecting back, I know they would have said yes, but I don't think that it bothered them at all that I did not ask. I think in today's world this is something that goes on a case by case basis.

[KaneKungFu123]

i think its dorky. i wont ask.

[ QUOTE ]
So recently my brother got engaged and before he proposed he asked her father for permission. Anyone else think that this is an incredibly stupid and outdated tradition? I will probably do the same thing before I propose to someone, but if the father said no, I would still marry her anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

[chaas4747]

[ QUOTE ]
So recently my brother got engaged and before he proposed he asked her father for permission. Anyone else think that this is an incredibly stupid and outdated tradition? I will probably do the same thing before I propose to someone, but if the father said no, I would still marry her anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

I really think this is a cool thing to do. It shows respect, and that you are actually wanting to become a part of her life and their family completly. If there are no open lines of communication with her parents and you, then there are rough waters ahead.

[asofel]

Its definitely outdated, but something that's most likely easy enough to do, and shows a nice amount of respect. Of course, as you said, if the father somehow said no, I'm still asking the girl. Its more about the act of asking the father than whether or not he'll give his approval.

[sfer]

Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[slickpoppa]

[ QUOTE ]
This is not stupid. There is a certain amount of respect that should be shown and this is one of the ways that this is done.

[/ QUOTE ]

And what if the father says no? Do you just move on and forget about the woman that you love because her father said no? Asking for his permission basically presupposes that the woman is not intelligent enough to decide for herself who she marries and that she somehow needs her father to protect her.

[CollinEstes]

It is about having some class and showing some respect. I don't see how something so easy could be outdated.

[swede123]

It's not really asking for permission. Really, if you thought her father would object would you actually call and talk to him? When I did this it was more a gesture of courtesy, telling him of my intentions to marry his daughter. It felt like he really appreciated being shown this courtesy, and some day if I have a daughter I'd also appreciate her future husband doing the same for me.

Swede

[slickpoppa]

[ QUOTE ]
Its definitely outdated, but something that's most likely easy enough to do, and shows a nice amount of respect. Of course, as you said, if the father somehow said no, I'm still asking the girl. Its more about the act of asking the father than whether or not he'll give his approval.

[/ QUOTE ]

The father will probably say yes 99.9% of the time, and I will most likely ask, but the very fact that you should be expected to ask is stupid IMO.

[KaneKungFu123]

So it is an insensere show of respect?

quote]Its definitely outdated, but something that's most likely easy enough to do, and shows a nice amount of respect. Of course, as you said, if the father somehow said no, I'm still asking the girl. Its more about the act of asking the father than whether or not he'll give his approval.

[/ QUOTE ]

[man]

[ QUOTE ]
Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[/ QUOTE ]
that's not the point, like others have said..

for an outdated tradition, I think it's pretty sweet. depending on the circumstances I'll probably do it myself.

[CollinEstes]

But you are still asking the women if she wants to marry you. You ask the father for permission to ask the daughter to marry you. 99% of the time they probably say yes. Plus you know if he is going to say yes or not by that point. It doesn't make the women look stupid at all IMO, if fact I think most women pefer you ask.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
And what if the father says no? Do you just move on and forget about the woman that you love because her father said no? Asking for his permission basically presupposes that the woman is not intelligent enough to decide for herself who she marries and that she somehow needs her father to protect her.

[/ QUOTE ]

Actually, most women appreciate you being courteous to her father as well. He still sees his role as her protector, and to some degree she probably does too. You're assuming that role by marrying her. Even grown women like to know there father is always there for them. As others have said, it's about the gesture, not about the actual approval.

[KaneKungFu123]

You dont repsect someone by being insencere to them. Unless if he says NO and you take a walk, youre just putting on a bullshit, phoney show of respect.

Plus, the girl should be the first to know. Ask her to marry you, then let her tell her parents. The other way is so lame.

[ QUOTE ]
It is about having some class and showing some respect. I don't see how something so easy could be outdated.

[/ QUOTE ]

[KaneKungFu123]

If someone asks me to marry my daughter Id tell them that they dont need my permission, that it has nothing to do with me, that it is my daughter they outta talk to.

[ QUOTE ]
But you are still asking the women if she wants to marry you. You ask the father for permission to ask the daughter to marry you. 99% of the time they probably say yes. Plus you know if he is going to say yes or not by that point. It doesn't make the women look stupid at all IMO, if fact I think most women pefer you ask.

[/ QUOTE ]

[Bluffoon]

I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[KaneKungFu123]

This is the same as asking someone if they want a bite of your sandwich to be polite. And if they say yes, you tell them to shove it up their ass?

Right?

[partygirluk]

It is rhetorical and twee but if it makes your parents-in-law happy then why not?

[slickpoppa]

[ QUOTE ]
It is rhetorical and twee but if it makes your parents-in-law happy then why not?

[/ QUOTE ]

For the same reason we have abandoned the practice of the bride-wealth. It is symbolic of an underlying belief, which was supposedly discarded long ago, that women are the property of their father.

[sfer]

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[ QUOTE ]
Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[/ QUOTE ]
that's not the point, like others have said..

for an outdated tradition, I think it's pretty sweet. depending on the circumstances I'll probably do it myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is the point. She wants to get married to you. Dad doesn't approve. He gets to determine the outcome?

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's not a matter of him "expecting" it. I don't think most people expect it anymore. But it's a nice courtesy. Also, you're completely ignoring the fact that the girl will appreciate you showing her father the courtesy.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
She wants to get married to you. Dad doesn't approve. He gets to determine the outcome?

[/ QUOTE ]

No. He doesn't. Have you even read a single on of these posts?

[CollinEstes]

[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think you guys are confused you are not asking for his permission you are asking for his blessing. It is different. I think that this is one thing people in North and people in the South see differently. Here in Texas I think it is expected you ask. Plus like I said I know alot of women who expect the man they are marrying to ask for his blessing.

[trotski]

[/ QUOTE ]

I really think this is a cool thing to do. It shows respect, and that you are actually wanting to become a part of her life and their family completly. If there are no open lines of communication with her parents and you, then there are rough waters ahead.

[/ QUOTE ]

[davelin]

Maybe outdated and old-fashioned, it still will get you major props from your girl.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's not a matter of him "expecting" it. I don't think most people expect it anymore. But it's a nice courtesy. Also, you're completely ignoring the fact that the girl will appreciate you showing her father the courtesy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think it sets a bad precendent and I think it is wimpy. I am not going to even give the appearance of deferring to anyone on my major life decisions.

[sfer]

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[ QUOTE ]
She wants to get married to you. Dad doesn't approve. He gets to determine the outcome?

[/ QUOTE ]

No. He doesn't. Have you even read a single on of these posts?

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm not responding to the other posts.

[CollinEstes]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's not a matter of him "expecting" it. I don't think most people expect it anymore. But it's a nice courtesy. Also, you're completely ignoring the fact that the girl will appreciate you showing her father the courtesy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think it sets a bad precendent and I think it is wimpy. I am not going to even give the appearance of deferring to anyone on my major life decisions.

[/ QUOTE ]


So if the women you love asks you to ask for her father's blessing you wouldn't do it. That would go over well.

[CCass]

The first time I ever met my father-in-law was when I asked him if I could marry his daughter (long story, but my wife and her dad had a rocky relationship at the time). It was the start of what over 15 years has become a great friendship. The respect I showed him that day was the first step in repairing their relationship, and started us (he and I) off on the right foot.

Is it necessary today, no. Is it a nice jesture, yes.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think you guys are confused you are not asking for his permission you are asking for his blessing. It is different. I think that this is one thing people in North and people in the South see differently. Here in Texas I think it is expected you ask. Plus like I said I know alot of women who expect the man they are marrying to ask for his blessing.

[/ QUOTE ]

Im not confused and I am not doing it and if the woman expects me to do it she is going to be disappointed too and I would think twice about marrying a woman who expects me to defer to her father in this manner.

[chaas4747]

[ QUOTE ]
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[ QUOTE ]
Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[/ QUOTE ]
that's not the point, like others have said..

for an outdated tradition, I think it's pretty sweet. depending on the circumstances I'll probably do it myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is the point. She wants to get married to you. Dad doesn't approve. He gets to determine the outcome?

[/ QUOTE ]

If there is something there that is making him say no, you should probably listen. If it is just that he is over-protective then that is something she needs to work out with her family.

[slickpoppa]

[ QUOTE ]
So if the women you love asks you to ask for her father's blessing you wouldn't do it. That would go over well.

[/ QUOTE ]

If she indicated to me that she would like me to ask for her father's blessing before I propose to her, then I would do it. That is something completely different from asking her father's permission, which is the tradition I am talking about. I doubt there are many women out there who would say to me something like, "I want you to ask for my father's permission, and if he says no, don't propose to me."

[sfer]

[ QUOTE ]
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[ QUOTE ]
Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[/ QUOTE ]
that's not the point, like others have said..

for an outdated tradition, I think it's pretty sweet. depending on the circumstances I'll probably do it myself.

[/ QUOTE ]

It is the point. She wants to get married to you. Dad doesn't approve. He gets to determine the outcome?

[/ QUOTE ]

If there is something there that is making him say no, you should probably listen. If it is just that he is over-protective then that is something she needs to work out with her family.

[/ QUOTE ]

Seems to me that the importance of Dad's decision/feelings/approval/insanity/etc is entirely up to his daughter/your girlfriend. Deciding to get married is first between the couple, and the only afterward about anyone else.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
I think it sets a bad precendent and I think it is wimpy. I am not going to even give the appearance of deferring to anyone on my major life decisions.

[/ QUOTE ]

What dictionary are you using that respectful and wimpy are synonyms? "Give the appearance"? To whom is it that you think you will "appear" something other than courteous?

[CollinEstes]

If you think it makes you less of a man then don't do it. I personally think it makes you more of a man. I just think it would be pretty stupid to not do something that would make your future wife and family happy, possibly making a transition to spending time with them easier, just because you don't want to hurt your ego.

[hoopsie44]

It's a classy gesture and while you're at it give your future mother-in-law the once over. Never too early too look for evidence of the dreaded fat gene.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I am a grown man and I am not asking anyone other than the person I am involved with for permission to do anything in my relationship.

If the father of the woman I intend to marry expects me to ask for permission to marry his daughter we are not going to get along well and it is just as well to get it out in the open now so it can be worked out.

[/ QUOTE ]

It's not a matter of him "expecting" it. I don't think most people expect it anymore. But it's a nice courtesy. Also, you're completely ignoring the fact that the girl will appreciate you showing her father the courtesy.

[/ QUOTE ]

I think it sets a bad precendent and I think it is wimpy. I am not going to even give the appearance of deferring to anyone on my major life decisions.

[/ QUOTE ]


So if the women you love asks you to ask for her father's blessing you wouldn't do it. That would go over well.

[/ QUOTE ]

No I guess it wouldnt and it is a good thing that this difference in our expections is brought to light so that it can be resolved. I doubt though that I would get to the point of asking to marry someone who expected me to do this. I think we would understand each other and be on the same page about stuff like this or the relationship would not have developed to that point.

[chaas4747]

I agree that she is the most important opinion in the equation. You are not just marrying her though. Her family will be a very important part of you life for the rest of your lives. I just think it is nice to show them that they are included in the decision making process, and you will accept their input.

[OtisTheMarsupial]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
It is rhetorical and twee but if it makes your parents-in-law happy then why not?

[/ QUOTE ]

For the same reason we have abandoned the practice of the bride-wealth. It is symbolic of an underlying belief, which was supposedly discarded long ago, that women are the property of their father.

[/ QUOTE ]

Yes, I agree. It's outdated.

Moreover, it doesn't make sense for many couples (ex - if her parents are divorced and she grew up with her mom). I say, ask the g/f and let her announce it to the family.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree that she is the most important opinion in the equation. You are not just marrying her though. Her family will be a very important part of you life for the rest of your lives. I just think it is nice to show them that they are included in the decision making process, and you will accept their input.

[/ QUOTE ]

THIS is why it is important not to do it. They are not included in the decision making process. Decisions are to be discussed between you and your SO and then comminucated to others as decisions that have been made. It should be understood that interference from outside the relationship is not sought, desired or tolerated.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I think it sets a bad precendent and I think it is wimpy. I am not going to even give the appearance of deferring to anyone on my major life decisions.

[/ QUOTE ]

What dictionary are you using that respectful and wimpy are synonyms? "Give the appearance"? To whom is it that you think you will "appear" something other than courteous?

[/ QUOTE ]

Im not defining synonyms I am defining relationships and boundaries. I am going to agree to disagree with you on this Jake. I respect your opinions but I do not agree.

[CollinEstes]

[/ QUOTE ]No I guess it wouldnt and it is a good thing that this difference in our expections is brought to light so that it can be resolved. I doubt though that I would get to the point of asking to marry someone who expected me to do this. I think we would understand each other and be on the same page about stuff like this or the relationship would not have developed to that point.

[/ QUOTE ]

Well I suppose you are right. You would probably know this beforehand. To each his own.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
If you think it makes you less of a man then don't do it. I personally think it makes you more of a man. I just think it would be pretty stupid to not do something that would make your future wife and family happy, possibly making a transition to spending time with them easier, just because you don't want to hurt your ego.

[/ QUOTE ]

Its not about ego it is about establishing boundaries and defining relationships. I am not going to be deferring to my father-in-law on my life decisions and I am going to make that clear from the get go.

[OtisTheMarsupial]

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe outdated and old-fashioned, it still will get you major props from your girl.

[/ QUOTE ]

depends on the girl :/

There are wedding forums (http://forums.weddingsolutions.com/) where you can get better answers to all these questions.

[CollinEstes]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I agree that she is the most important opinion in the equation. You are not just marrying her though. Her family will be a very important part of you life for the rest of your lives. I just think it is nice to show them that they are included in the decision making process, and you will accept their input.

[/ QUOTE ]

THIS is why it is important not to do it. They are not included in the decision making process. Decisions are to be discussed between you and your SO and then comminucated to others as decisions that have been made. It should be understood that interference from outside the relationship is not sought, desired or tolerated.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have been married three years and I asked for her father's blessing before we got married, and not one time have there ever been any kind of interference from her family. He respects me as a man who takes care of his daugther and is completely committed to her. I have a close relationship with her parents and probably because I never once thought of them as an interference but rather a blessing to our relationship. But it is like I said I think it is culturial differences.

[pzhon]

It makes sense for to ask the bride's parents for their blessing, not for permission. If they don't give it, you haven't been dishonest, and are free to marry her anyway. If they approve, you strengthen your relationship with your inlaws.

[swede123]

[ QUOTE ]
It makes sense for to ask the bride's parents for their blessing, not for permission. If they don't give it, you haven't been dishonest, and are free to marry her anyway. If they approve, you strengthen your relationship with your inlaws.

[/ QUOTE ]

There is always the possibility of the whole blessing idea backfiring, where the father instead curses you and your teeth start falling out and stuff. Overall I stand by my original comment. If you doubt her parents approve of you marrying her DON'T ask for permission/a blessing, just go ahead with your plans and slowly work on winning them over.

Swede

Swede

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
Maybe outdated and old-fashioned, it still will get you major props from your girl.

[/ QUOTE ]
I forgot to mention this in my first reply, but this is very true. I got big points with both the parents and my wife for doing this. My wife loved that I showed the respect to her parents to ask for their blessing first. It's incredibly easy, it's classy, and it's a reasonable show of respect.

You are in no way handing over any sort of decision-making powers from your girlfriend over to her dad. You're only telling her parents of your intention to ask her to marry you. It's still her you're asking in the end and it's still completely her decision to accept or not to accept.

I really don't see why so many people are so opposed to this. It really just comes off as some immature insecurity and rejection of some perceived authority. Don't worry, everybody - you're still the man.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
Its definitely outdated, but something that's most likely easy enough to do, and shows a nice amount of respect. Of course, as you said, if the father somehow said no, I'm still asking the girl. Its more about the act of asking the father than whether or not he'll give his approval.

[/ QUOTE ]

The father will probably say yes 99.9% of the time, and I will most likely ask, but the very fact that you should be expected to ask is stupid IMO.

[/ QUOTE ]

Are you expected to ask? I feel like its something I'd like to do, but I wouldn't feel like its part of american society that still expects you to ask. Maybe its regional?

[slickpoppa]

[ QUOTE ]
Are you expected to ask? I feel like its something I'd like to do, but I wouldn't feel like its part of american society that still expects you to ask. Maybe its regional?

[/ QUOTE ]

I dunno, my brother asked and he is a northern atheist. Another guy I know asked and he is an extremely religious southerner. I don't know that many people who have gotten married, but my impression is that this is a pretty widespread practice.

[MarkL444]

i think depending on specific situations this can be a good idea. perhaps if he doesnt know you very well. thus, by asking him first, you have created a good base for him to form an opinion of you.

[tolbiny]

NO its not- its about hte tradition of the father being able to decide his daughters future. Its a "tradition" now, but when it was first implemented it involved showing of and bribing the father so that he would "give" you his daughters hand in marrige- she rarely had any choice in the matter. Would you ask her mother for permission? The only way the woman you are going to ask shouldn't be the first to know is if you need help arranging it so that it will be a memorable moment aka asking her friends or relatives on advice for the ring, setting up a party or an event, or whatever. And if someone asked me for permission i would smack em on the head.

[asofel]

[ QUOTE ]
So it is an insensere show of respect?

quote]Its definitely outdated, but something that's most likely easy enough to do, and shows a nice amount of respect. Of course, as you said, if the father somehow said no, I'm still asking the girl. Its more about the act of asking the father than whether or not he'll give his approval.

[/ QUOTE ]

[/ QUOTE ]

As others have said to me it'd be more along the lines of asking for a blessing, not permission.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

I just think it's a bit of a courtesy to let her parents know your intentions with their daughter. What's wrong with telling her parents that you intend to marry their daughter?

[poker-penguin]

Yes, it's an outdated tradition. So is the groom standing on the right (to keep his sword arm free), having a best man (he's supposed to be handy in a fight in case the bride's family try to take her back) and just about everything else about most weddings.

It's just a show of respect, and in western cultures, the father knows this. Actually, one of my friends asked the father for permission, he subtley said "I'm sorry, I'm not sure that's a good idea". A week later my friend found the girl had been cheating on him.

[tolbiny]

The tradition stems from the same idea- that the woman is a faters property untill she marry's someother guys, and then becomes his. It is incredibly sexist, when was the last time you heard of a guy asking the mother's permission? If the father isn't around you are generally expected to ask the nearest living male relation: brother or an uncle or whatever.

[tolbiny]

Whats wrong with waiting untill after you ask her?

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
when was the last time you heard of a guy asking the mother's permission?

[/ QUOTE ]
Actually, the last time I heard of it was when I did it myself. I asked to speak with both her father and her mother. This was coming up on about 2 years ago. Now the last time you've heard of someone doing this was... well, right now.

[tolbiny]

"Actually, one of my friends asked the father for permission, he subtley said "I'm sorry, I'm not sure that's a good idea". A week later my friend found the girl had been cheating on him."

Jesus- that a shame, thats probably exactly the type of guy you would want for your father in law.

[Bulldog]

[ QUOTE ]
Anyone else think that this is an incredibly stupid and outdated tradition? I will probably do the same thing

[/ QUOTE ]

Rule of thumb: if you think something is incredibly stupid, don't do it.

[Bluffoon]

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Maybe outdated and old-fashioned, it still will get you major props from your girl.

[/ QUOTE ]
I forgot to mention this in my first reply, but this is very true. I got big points with both the parents and my wife for doing this. My wife loved that I showed the respect to her parents to ask for their blessing first. It's incredibly easy, it's classy, and it's a reasonable show of respect.

You are in no way handing over any sort of decision-making powers from your girlfriend over to her dad. You're only telling her parents of your intention to ask her to marry you. It's still her you're asking in the end and it's still completely her decision to accept or not to accept.

I really don't see why so many people are so opposed to this. It really just comes off as some immature insecurity and rejection of some perceived authority. Don't worry, everybody - you're still the man.


[/ QUOTE ]

I guess I could argue that you are a sycophant but I won't try to analyze your motives. We certainly have a different outlook on this topic.

[jakethebake]

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Whats wrong with waiting untill after you ask her?

[/ QUOTE ]

It's not saying you should never have talked about marriage before you ask them. My wife and I had talked about marriage long before I actually asked her outright (in a drunken stupor). <font color="white"> after sex </font>

[davelin]

Since most of the time the parents of the bride do put up some cost of the wedding itself, I don't think it's farfetched to extend a little respect and ask for their blessing.

[RunDownHouse]

I can't believe how many people are essentially saying, "I wont'! Its the principle of the thing, see?"

[sfer]

[ QUOTE ]
I agree that she is the most important opinion in the equation. You are not just marrying her though. Her family will be a very important part of you life for the rest of your lives. I just think it is nice to show them that they are included in the decision making process, and you will accept their input.

[/ QUOTE ]

You missed my point. Her family is important only to the extent that she decides her family is important.

[slickpoppa]

I will probably end up asking because IMO the benefit of standing up for principle is slight compared to the potential cost of pissing off her family. Nevertheless, I still think it is a bad tradition. I have no problem with calling up her father and asking him for his blessing. As someone else has pointed out, if asking for his blessing was all that was going on, then why couldn't you ask him AFTER you propose to her? And why not ask the mother as well? Surely two blessings are better than one. And why doesn't the bride to be call up the mans parents and ask for their permission? Clearly there are sexist beliefs behind this tradition. It is not that big of a deal, but that does not mean it is a good tradition. I'm not a big fan of doing something just because it has always been done that way.

[dabluebery]

Yeah. I had a "problem" when I got engaged because I was bothered by the same sentiment. It wasn't anyone's decision to make except mine or hers, but I wanted to show some amount of respect to my in-laws. I wasn't worried about them saying "no," so much as I didn't want to validate their "yes."

So I didn't ask. I spoke to both her parents privately beforehand, and told them what I was doing. It was a "just to let you know" kind of thing, that gave me the same brownie points as doing it the real old-fashioned way. By brownie points, I mean that it's not something that my in-laws resent. Which means something.

Rob

[davelin]

[ QUOTE ]
So I didn't ask. I spoke to both her parents privately beforehand, and told them what I was doing

[/ QUOTE ]

For most I imagine this what the conversation pretty much comes down to. I don't think I used the word permission or blessing when I "asked". Most parents IMO are happy enough that you talked to them beforehand about it.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
I will probably end up asking because IMO the benefit of standing up for principle is slight compared to the potential cost of pissing off her family. Nevertheless, I still think it is a bad tradition. I have no problem with calling up her father and asking him for his blessing. As someone else has pointed out, if asking for his blessing was all that was going on, then why couldn't you ask him AFTER you propose to her? And why not ask the mother as well? Surely two blessings are better than one. And why doesn't the bride to be call up the mans parents and ask for their permission? Clearly there are sexist beliefs behind this tradition. It is not that big of a deal, but that does not mean it is a good tradition. I'm not a big fan of doing something just because it has always been done that way.

[/ QUOTE ]
The extent to which people here complain about it being sexist that the guy asks the girl's father (or both parents) or that the guy asks the girl's parent(s) and the girl doesn't ask the guy's is just silly when they've already accepted that it's up to the guy to buy a $2k-$20k ring and ask the girl in the first place.

Let's be real here and forget all this crap about sexism. The real issue here is that people are so concerned with the perception that someone else has some sort of authority and that they're somehow submitting and are not the man. Grow up a bit, show some respect to her parents, and move on with it. Nobody's taking any sort of power from you or your girlfriend and nobody is making any decisions for you.

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
I will probably end up asking because IMO the benefit of standing up for principle is slight compared to the potential cost of pissing off her family. Nevertheless, I still think it is a bad tradition. I have no problem with calling up her father and asking him for his blessing. As someone else has pointed out, if asking for his blessing was all that was going on, then why couldn't you ask him AFTER you propose to her? And why not ask the mother as well? Surely two blessings are better than one. And why doesn't the bride to be call up the mans parents and ask for their permission? Clearly there are sexist beliefs behind this tradition. It is not that big of a deal, but that does not mean it is a good tradition. I'm not a big fan of doing something just because it has always been done that way.

[/ QUOTE ]
The extent to which people here complain about it being sexist that the guy asks the girl's father (or both parents) or that the guy asks the girl's parent(s) and the girl doesn't ask the guy's is just silly when they've already accepted that it's up to the guy to buy a $2k-$20k ring and ask the girl in the first place.

Let's be real here and forget all this crap about sexism. The real issue here is that people are so concerned with the perception that someone else has some sort of authority and that they're somehow submitting and are not the man. Grow up a bit, show some respect to her parents, and move on with it. Nobody's taking any sort of power from you or your girlfriend and nobody is making any decisions for you.

[/ QUOTE ]

You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

[davelin]

[ QUOTE ]
You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Asking for the parents blessing isn't going to change or define the boundaries of your relationships with her parents.

[SpearsBritney]

How exactly are you supposed to do this? Is there some sort of ettiquette involved? Do you have to be all sentimental-like, and get down on one knee and say something creepy like "my good man, may I have thi daugther's hand in marrige?" Or can you just bring it up over a beer?

[Bluffoon]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Asking for the parents blessing isn't going to change or define the boundaries of your relationships with her parents.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree. You are setting a precedent that you may regret. Notice I say may. Why head down this road? I think you can handle advising them of your intentions in a just as classy and thoughtful manner without having to "ask" for anything.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Asking for the parents blessing isn't going to change or define the boundaries of your relationships with her parents.

[/ QUOTE ]
Exactly. Anyone who thinks they're somehow handing over all power to her parents or who thinks this is going to take away from their position, ruin boundaries, etc. is incredibly insecure. Also, I fail to see how I'm so naive. Just because you're bucking tradition doesn't make you some sort of andvanced form of being here while I'm some sort of sheepish child submitting to everything I'm told.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
I think you can handle advising them of your intentions in a just as classy and thoughtful manner without having to "ask" for anything.

[/ QUOTE ]
This is exactly what I'm suggesting a man do. What, you think I'm suggesting that the guy go over to her parents' house and grovel for their permission? "Please, sir, may I marry your daughter? Pretty pretty please?" Come on. That's not in any way what I'm saying or what I've said anywhere in this thread. It's an opportunity to inform them of your intentions with their daughter, ask that they give their blessing and show support for your decision (yours and hers together), and move on. Have a relationship with your in-laws. It's not that bad.

[jakethebake]

[ QUOTE ]
Asking for the parents blessing isn't going to change or define the boundaries of your relationships with her parents.

[/ QUOTE ]

I actually think it accomplishes the opposite. The father has been his little girl's protector. By discussing your plans formally, it will help you take that role in the family's minds, which will lead to less instrusion from thgem in the future.

[CollinEstes]

Honestly I didn't think it was all that hard to do. I just told him that she and I have been thinking about our future together and plan on getting married around so and so and I would would very much like to have his blessing. He says yes and it is done. I have had about 3 serious relationships with women and all three made it clear to me that they wanted the man they married to ask for their father's blessing beforehand. To me it is a sign of respect. Just like here in the South we say "yes sir, no sir." etc. Or that I refer to my friend's parents as Mr./Mrs. so and so.

I think where you live and how you were raised has alot to do with how you feel or act and what you percieve as respectful.

If you don't feel comfortable asking then don't do it. But to say that some negative effects can come from asking for a blessing or permission is in my mind ludacris

[jakethebake]

I'm from Texas too, and I'm not sure I agree that it's "expected" that you do this. I also call my father-in-law by his first name (although I occasionally slip in a "sir"). I generally do refer to women I don't know, even younger ones, as ma'am (although a "Darlin'" slips out occasionally, typically after a few drinks and when my Texan accent starts gettin' thick). But I completely agree with your last statement that the possibility of negative effects from it is "ludacris". Of course with that said, if others from other regions view it differently, I suppose it's possible their in-laws may also.

[MikeL05]

Love it when high schoolers respond to adult questions. Give yourself a few years, and maybe you'll think about this from a perspective besides your own.

Patrick's said about everything I would have.

It's basically BS, because if you want to marry a girl then dammit, you're going to try to marry the girl whether her dad's OK with it or not. I think the father is not naive, and realizes this too. It's just a pleasant way to break the ice with him in some sense.

It's major points with the girlfriend if she's the type that likes that kind of thing. And given that major pot of points, it's easily +EV to ask the father first. Hell, it's major points with the father too.

[davelin]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

[/ QUOTE ]

Asking for the parents blessing isn't going to change or define the boundaries of your relationships with her parents.

[/ QUOTE ]

I disagree. You are setting a precedent that you may regret. Notice I say may. Why head down this road? I think you can handle advising them of your intentions in a just as classy and thoughtful manner without having to "ask" for anything.

[/ QUOTE ]

Patrick pretty much said everyone I was going to say and probably much more clearer. Permission is probably not the right word to use. You're just informing them of your intentions and showing your respect just as you said. Nothing more nothing less. Your relationship with your future in-laws is more likely to change if you show them disrespect rather than include them in your decision.

[[censored]]

I went the other way with it and kicked the father's ass. We eventually got divorced but I am pretty sure the two are unrelated.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

[ QUOTE ]
How exactly are you supposed to do this? Is there some sort of ettiquette involved? Do you have to be all sentimental-like, and get down on one knee and say something creepy like "my good man, may I have thi daugther's hand in marrige?" Or can you just bring it up over a beer?

[/ QUOTE ]
You can do it in any number of ways and it all depends on your relationship with her and with her parents. It can be anything from a casual talk over a beer to a formal dinner. Maybe you have a fishing trip or go golfing with just the guys or maybe you call him up. Maybe you're just over at their house and you catch her parents by themselves while she's going to the bathroom. There's no getting down on any knees or crazy ceremonial talk. You say you want to marry their daughter and they say that's great and they'd love to welcome you to the family. Then, they try not to say anything and hide the silly look on their faces when they see her again.

When I asked my wife to marry me, we were living a couple thousand miles away from our parents. I originally intended to get her parents out for dinner with her and my parents when we went to visit them, get them alone to 'ask' them, and then ask her to marry me later on the same trip. Things involving surgery came up and we ended up having to postpone that trip, so I ended up having to do it over the phone, which kind of sucked in my opinion, but that's how it had to be done. I also ended up sitting on a $12k ring for about 3 months, which also made its way from Arizona to Wisconsin to San Diego and then hidden in that time. That was something just short of nerve-racking.

[CollinEstes]

I didn't mean to make it sound like it is expected but alot of women in the south would probably pefer it.

[[censored]]

[ QUOTE ]
Don't worry, everybody - you're still the man.


[/ QUOTE ]

YES! thanks

Back at you, dude.

[zephed]

[ QUOTE ]
I went the other way with it and kicked the father's ass. We eventually got divorced but I am pretty sure the two are unrelated.

[/ QUOTE ]
Details please, this sounds very interesting.

[Eurotrash]

[ QUOTE ]
It's an opportunity to inform them of your intentions with their daughter

[/ QUOTE ]


"Oh, by the way, pops, after I slip the ring on her finger I'm going to turn her into a baby factory."


"And stick it in her pooper."

[poker-penguin]

Yeah, it's just a shame he doesn't have any good daughters.

[Bill C]

It's harmless and a kind thing to show some respect. And almost always, it isn't going to come as a shock to her father, who probably is going to stand up and scream YESSSSS! YESSSSS! Thank you Jesus! YESSSSS!

If he should happen to say "No" just mention that you've been screwing her every night and just thought you'd make an honest woman of her.
/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Lawrence Ng]

I would ask out of respect, but even if they said no, I would still propose to their daughter.

Lawrence

[Lawrence Ng]

[ QUOTE ]
Pretty dumb. It's not dad's decision.

[/ QUOTE ]

You'd be surprised how often it is..

Lawrence

[mmcd]

You are a little naive and I find it interesting that you assume that anyone who is interested in establishing healthy boundaries and is careful in defining relationships to be immature and insecure.

What are you, Dr. Phil? I think this post would be better placed here. (http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/)