The best "Family Guy" quotes

[Alobar]

I think my favorite is

brian: "whiney little runt isnt she?" "what? I said runt!"

[YourFoxyGrandma]

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

[NLSoldier]

stewey "yeah sunny D, all right!!!"

[Evan]

Stewie: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said "Oh, I'm sorry.. is this better? Check... Check... Check... Jerry pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."

[Sponger15SB]

Tom Tucker: Because of an accident today at the Quahog cable company, all television transmission will be out for an undetermined amount of time. Of course, no one can see this news program, so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets, how about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well, Tom, I just plain don't like black people.


---

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice mellons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding mellons.
Peter: Oh
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem .
(pause)
Man: Your wife's hot.
Peter: Alright that's it!

[BonJoviJones]

Lois: Peter! He's charming! All british men are!
Peter: Yeah right... that's what they said about Benjamin Disraeli.
--- (cut to man writing at a desk circa 1850) ---
Benjamin Disraeli: [to the camera] You don't even know who I am.

[elwoodblues]

[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

-----------------------------
Lois Griffin: We'll continue this talk after dinner. Women are not objects.
Peter Griffin: That's right, son, listen to what it says.

------------------------------
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial.
Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.

----------------------------------
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me.
Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.

-----------------------------------

Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together?
[Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

----------------------------

Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.

-------------------------------
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street.
Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

-----------------------------------
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf.
Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game.
[flashback]
Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks.
Scottish men: Aye.


-----------------------------
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.

[DrSavage]

For every time you post another quote from Family Guy... I shall kill you.

[mistrpug]

Peter: I don't want you kids swimming unless there's a lifegaurd on duty. Hahaha...duty. Hahaha...diarrhea. Hey Lois!
Lois: What?
Peter Diarrhea.
Lois: Hehe..haha...Peter! I'm holding iced tea!...haha...

I.R.S. Representative:Well sir, I'm afraid that your not qualified for a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHH... ohh sorry, i still haven't gotten over the loss of party of five.
I.R.S.: Well as I was saying you are not getting a tax refund.
Peter:AAAHHHHHH... oh Party of Five. What were you saying?
IRS: You're not intitled for a tax refund.
Peter: AAHHHHH!
IRS: Was that for Party of Five again?
Peter: No, that was for my tax refund! What the hell is Party of Five!?!

[ArchAngel71857]

[Brian and Stewie are stealing a car]
B: What about that one?
S: An SUV? We are trying to elude someone, not drive them to soccer practice.


--------------------------
[Brian speaking to a Mexican]
B: Ola, me amo es Brian, um . . .
Guy: That was good, but you don't need to say 'es' instead you can just say "me amo brian."
B; Oh, you speak English?
m: No, just that last sentence and this one explaining it.
B: Are. Are you serious?
M: Que?

-AA

[ThaSaltCracka]

The local bar gets turned into a British Pub and is now inhabited by English people. One of the English guys starts talking and Peter and Cleveland can't make out what he is saying.
Peter: What did he just say
Cleveland: I dunno, the only British idiom I know is that they call a cigarette a [censored]
Peter: Oh well, will somebody tell that cigarette to shut up?

[Edge34]

Quagmire: Hey, how old are you?
Girl: 16...
Quagmire: 18, huh? You're first...giggity giggity gi-gi-ty.
-----
Woman: Glen, honey, can I ask you a question...what do you do for a living?
Quagmire: I have a question for you too...why are you still here? Tuesdays in the 80s, I was always in bed by 8...and hung by 11...oh!
-----
Quagmire: What's all the noise boys? I was just jerk----in' out of a sound sleep!
-----
Stewie: See, there's always been a lot of tension between me and Lois. Its not so much that I want to "kill her". Its just that I'd like to see her...not alive...anymore.

-----

Stewie: But you promised the fat one would perish!

[spamuell]

[ QUOTE ]
Tuesdays in the 80s, I was always in bed by 8...and hung by 11...oh!

[/ QUOTE ]

a) This quote was not said where you claim that it was.
b) It's "home" by 11, not "hung".
c) You are not allowed to post anything about Family Guy ever again.

[ddollevoet]

Quagmire: So, you ladies ever been penetrated?

[dmk]

Not to nitpick, but I believe this one was from Stewie in the episode where he's placed in a home w/ a bunch of kids w/ diff. nationalities.

[BusterStacks]

Hey Peter, does this look like a "Q"?

[Ryner]

[trying to potty-train Stewie]
Peter Griffin : Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
Stewie Griffin : Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a doobie and watch porn.
Peter Griffin : Rea... Really?
_____________________________

[Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus]
German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided.
Brian Griffin : Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap.
Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15...
Brian Griffin : Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and...
Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland.
Brian Griffin : You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany.
Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian Griffin : A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous.
Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.)
[throws his hand up in a Hitler salute]
Brian Griffin : ...uh, is that a beer hall?
Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.

[spamuell]

[ QUOTE ]

Hey Peter, does this look like a "Q"?

[/ QUOTE ]

How 'bout now?

[BottlesOf]

I actually laughed out loud reading this. I'd say I laugh out loud reading 2+2 about once every 5 weeks.

[kyro]

[ QUOTE ]
Not to nitpick, but I believe this one was from Stewie in the episode where he's placed in a home w/ a bunch of kids w/ diff. nationalities.

[/ QUOTE ]

if you're talking about AA's quote with the Mexican, it's Brian talking in Road to Rhode Island.

[ArchAngel71857]

Yes it is.

Both quotes are from that show.

I'll admit, it's hard to put quotes in the right context because the show is so damn random. Luckily, this awesome Family Guy website (http://www.familyguyfiles.com/main.php) has a searchable database and will find about 87% of the references and tell you what episode it is in. or you could just be like me and watch all the DVDs starting from the top until you find the quote you are looking for.

-AA

[Ryner]

Lois Griffin : Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again.
Peter Griffin : Do... do I hit him?
_______________________________________

[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie Griffin : Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
___________________________________

Diane Simmons : Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker : In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons : This just in: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.
Tom Tucker : We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

__________________________________

Young Peter Griffin : Why did all the dinosaurs die?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
__________________________________

Lois Griffin : Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter Griffin : OH MY GOD.
[runs off crying]

[ChicagoTroy]

I quote that one all the time. Brilliant.

[Daliman]

Peter: What are these doing up here.
(Grabs "chin", puts in down front of pants. You'll have to look at peter's chin to understand this.)

Stewie to Peter: "Let GO of me you brobdignagian blunderbuss!

Brian: "I leave more cohesive arguments in tightly coiled piles in the backyard." (not exact.)

[Ryner]

Stephen King : Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...
[casts about desperately]
Stephen King : is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor : You're not even trying anymore are you?
[sighs]
Editor : When can I have it?
____________________________________
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Glen Quagmire : Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Glen Quagmire : Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Glen Quagmire : Fifty bucks.
____________________________________
Dennis Miller : I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin : What the hell does rant mean?
__________________________________
[Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project"]
Brian : Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
________________________________

Ok, I'll stop now.

[SoaringAngle]

Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: Ehhh, i drift in and out.

[kerssens]

Peter: I knew a guy once that bought a used car and ten years later...BAM! herpes..


Peter: I didn't have gas for the first time til I was thirty.......flashback......what the hell was that?

[Edge34]

That quote was said precisely where it was. Either that or the audio recording I listened to as I typed it was wrong. Don't have the DVD's right here.

"Home" -I mistyped, and misheard. My bad. Happens.

-Edge

[mikeyp]

Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie.
P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever.
P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.