Can't get out of the starting gate (long and l/c)

[wulfheir]

I have been reloading 50 and 100 dollars at stars and party since last october or november. I have been studying this forum, reviewing my hand histories after tourneys, really working on my game. When I read and analyze hands people post, it's usually the same as many others responses.

But I've gone thru 4 or 500 dollars and can't seem to get any nice string of games together. The biggest my BR has hit, is probably $150. Perhaps (I hope) my only major problem has been BR management. The most I've started with at Stars is 50 (to play $5.50 SnG), and 100 at Party (to play $11). I have never gone more than 180 tournaments on one deposit, without busting.

I've been wanting to get additional resources like Harrington on Hold'em and Eastbay's Tools. However, I may have this catch-22 thing going. I feel like I should buy these out of my bankroll, once I turn a profit enough to afford it. After all, Party's $11 are supposed to be crushable in your sleep. But maybe there is enough to learn in HoH and SGA that will turn my ROI from - to +.

Where do I go from here? I enjoy poker, I love the intracacies, I do well at home games. But I can't seem to get out of the starting block, and it's frustrating to go thru the logs and tell myself, "well, I got my money in with the best of it, that's variance.". Tired of telling myself, "You ran into a monster on the bubble, expect it to happen." Tired of telling myself, "You're bust again because you didn't properly bankroll yourself with 30xBuy-in.".

Reading other beginners posts about turning their first $50 into $1000 gives me encouragement that there are other dedicated newbies succeeding, but I can't seem to get out of the gates.

I look at my ROI over 1 particular 180-game period of 1%, and remind myself that my sample size is small, and have read about swings much greater than mine over the same period on this forum.

So, as I step away from real money online poker to rethink things and get a proper initial BR (and purchase some more poker resources); I'm left wondering if I'm simply not a winning player, if I've shot myself in the foot with my inadequate BR, or I'm victim of variance.

Am I the only newb, who has studied and worked on his game as much as me who simply can't get out of the starting gate? If so, I don't see them posting anywhere.

If anyone has any advice to offer as to where I go from here, I'm as open to input as I am about my experience.