*** Joker's 1st Anniversary Post: a 2+2 Mini-Screenplay ***

[private joker]

Today marks the one-year anniversary of my registration on twoplustwo.com. I won't go into a long thing about it, since this post is going to be long anyway. Basically, it's due to this website and the books they publish that I'm a winning poker player, and I'm sure I would not have won as much money as I have without the free contributions of the posters on this site and the relatively cheap price I pay for the books that pay for themselves in less than one orbit.

Before I found 2+2 I was probably breaking even at .5/1 online and 2/4 live. If that. Now, I've spent a year studying full-ring limit holdem and have moved up to 5/10, where I've done this so far. Running hot and being a luckbox helps, but getting advice from Miller, Sklansky, Malmuth, Feeney, and the peanut gallery on Small Stakes has clearly had a lot to do with it. So that's the "thanks" part of the post.

Now for the fun. I don't really think 2+2 is a prison, but sometimes when you're posting you can feel like all the regulars are stuck in the same cell as you and you get to know your fellow grinders fairly well. The following is a short screenplay (of sorts) that I wrote over the past week on and off in preparation for my 1-year anniversary post.

Please note that all the satire here is done out of love and respect, and it's all in good humor. Unfortunately I didn't have space to include a lot of the regulars, so apologies for those I left out. You haven't been forgotten. This is just a taste of what it might be like if twoplustwo.com just happened to be an actual prison. So without further ado...

2+2: The Wizards of OZ

-------------------------------------------


PokerBob: So listen guys, my cellmate is really mean. He beats me up 34% of the time, rapes me before bedtime 19% of the time, and during the day he gives me swastika tattoos at least 6% of the days. Based on this read, what’s my play? Note: I have Italian friends in C-block. They have ways of getting things… done.

NL Soldier: Dude, this an easy, eaaaaaaasy whack.

Chief444: Hi PokerBob. I think you need to whack this cellmate. 34/19/6 is really nasty and with that read you’re just going to take more punishment as the sentence goes along. If your Italian friends can have him whacked, I think that’s the best line to take. Also, it has meta-whacking benefits as well, since the Jews and blacks who see your swastika tattoos will be less likely to take shots at you.

istewart: SIIHP!

diebitter: "SIIHP!"

Nick C: Ahh, jeez. This is a tough situation. This cellmate sounds like a real jerk. I wouldn’t want to bunk with him. Given that you do, I think the best thing to do is probably whack him. But when? I’m not sure. I think you need to do it sooner rather than later, because he’s only going to continue being aggressive. The one thing I would worry about is the hacks finding out, and either reporting you or asking for bribes.

If you get busted, you can try the self-defense line, but I doubt that will work. You might have to go to the hole, but I’ve never been in solitary so I don’t really know what that’s like. In summary, I guess I’d say you just have to have your Italian friends whack him and hope they do it right and nobody finds out. That’s what I would do, at least. Good luck.

Chris Daddy Cool: tl;dr

<font color="green">Evan</font>: I’m not even going to respond until the OP gives me the cigarettes he owes me from last week’s card game.

Luv2DriveTT: LOL! Haha! Awesome! Oh, you know why Evan needs his cigarettes? He’s so short, when he smokes he looks taller! LOL! Hey Evan, why haven’t you escaped underneath the bars yet? Hahahaha! By the way, I totally pwned the guards at lights out last night because I smuggled in a nightlight and read my magazines way after we all were supposed to go to bed. Pwned! Hey! How about we all meet up in the yard for baseball tomorrow during exercise hour! I got us free use of the field by helping the Mexicans get kitchen jobs! Baseball party! Bring it! Let’s donk it up! I’ll play catcher!

sfer: “I’ll play catcher.” You mean like you do in Bubba’s cell?

Luv2DriveTT: LOL! Nice one! I guess I set you up for that one, didn’t I?

Entity: We need to get this thread back on the topic of the PokerBob’s cellmate problem, or I’m putting it into lockdown.

- Rob

rmarotti: I know I’ve been drinking heavily, but why can’t Bob just whack the guy himself? What is he, some kinda pussy?

Baronzeus: Beat him up now! Then rape him twice as much as he rapes you! Give him 4 tattoos, all on his forehead, and all pictures of Christina Aguilera! Then rape him again! It’s the only way! Rape! Beat! Torture! Then whack him after all that.

jason_t: Baron, with all due respect, I don’t think you’re thinking this through. PokerBob needs to stay away from the cellmate. The last thing he needs is more beatings, rapings, and swastika tattoos. Seriously. Bob: get a transfer. Bribe the warden and move down to D-block or get a new cell. I think it’s worth the money you bribe – if you give up $200 for every cell transfer, you’ll save yourself far more than that in anal raping.

shant: I agree with Jason. Transfer cells. Let the blacks whack him; they’re going to do it anyway because he stole their drugs when the last shipment came in. Then you and the Italians get off scott free and you have a good chance of getting into D-block.

cnfuzzd: I thought it was your brother who stole the drugs. PJN

jason_t: I [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] Shant.

shant: "[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]"

jason_t: ""[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]""

shant: """[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]"""

jason_t: """"[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]""""

PITTM: I [img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img] Jason_t too!

shant: Shut up, he’s my bitch! [shanks PITTM]

jason_t: You did that for me, Shant? [they make out]

W. Deranged: At first I was going to say he should be whacked, but then I thought about it some more and I agree with Jason; transfer cells, bribe a guard, and get the blacks to whack your cellmate. The odds of us getting away easier this way are better.

newhizzle: Try reasoning with the cellmate first. Tell him you don’t appreciate the tattoos and raping. Stand up to him with a firm ground, and maybe he’ll back off and find a new bitch.

sthief09: [quotes newhizzle] This is horrible.

SackUp: I was gonna say the same thing as newhizzle. Sthief, can you explain why you think it’s horrible?

[sthief09 never returns to the discussion. Probably because he listens in threaded mode.]

private joker: I wouldn’t have committed a crime in the first place. You shouldn’t even be in this prison. [Then he introduces some random, ostensibly meaningless photograph that, if you spend some time thinking about it, becomes a marginally clever observation about the situation]

PokerBob: Well, it was a white-collar crime and I thought I could get away with it. Plus, I can outplay the legal system post-conviction.

Bicyclekick: Evidently not.

Harv72b: I had this cellmate last year. I paid an Aryan to have him whacked but instead he converted the guy to the white supremacy movement and now I have three tattoos myself. When you’ve been here long enough, you’ll experience more of these downswings.

Klepton: YSSCKY

peachy: what does whacked mean? why your getting raped lol! thats so nasty i wouldnt do that b/c u dont know where mah hands have been lol when is supper

sexdrugsmoney: Here’s a poll – vote for if PokerBob should whack cellmate, get a transfer, or other.

Patrick del Poker Grande: Don’t be a polltard. Clearly you need my protection more than I thought. I’ll arrange it. Give me $1,000, a carton of American Spirits, and smuggle me in an iPod with the new Coheed &amp; Cambria album.

sexdrugsmoney: Okay. Yes, sir.

mike l.. Coheed? You guys don’t know anything about music. If you’re not listening to Tungen’s Ta Det Lungt, Animal Collective’s Sung Tongs, or Charalambides’s Joy Shapes, you’re hopeless.

The Dude: Fun w/ shivs. The Dude would whack him. Hurry up.

Nate tha' Great: Is this the way you guys are running your unit? Your fellow inmates are terrible. You guys should be appealing your sentences and getting off on many technicalities. Here is a long, well thought-out legal brief explaining why the majority of you can be released on parole with the right arguments. [leaves the prison to sleep with a supermodel]

TheSaltCracka: Hey guys, tomorrow in the cafeteria I can make meat loaf or black beans and rice. What should the lunch be?

Guy On Tilt: Black beans &amp; rice.

IndieMatty: Clearly, the black beans &amp; rice is the way to go.

Patrick Del Poker Grande: Did someone say Chipotle?

Michael Davis: Does anyone know when the next conjugal visit is? I ordered Candy to come by every Tuesday.

toss: We just had one yesterday.

Michael Davis: Really? I’ve already rubbed one out 46 times since then.

Qtip: Is he kidding? I can never tell.

TStone MBD: No, he’s not kidding. I sleep below him. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

BoxTree: PokerBob – the problem with whacking him is you might get re-whacked. I’d whack him for you, but not on Friday nights.

onegymrat: “Re-whacked?” Great phrase, BoxTree. Oh my, I’ve been in this jail too long.

oreogod: I’m going to say something reasonable about inter-prison politics, but then negate it by just using the letter “u” when I mean the word “you.”

Schneids: PokerBob, you ask us too many questions. Last week it was who thinks the warden’s wife is hot, the week before that it was who wants to do my laundry for a week; these questions are pretty irrelevant unless we know what you’re in here for. I’m not buying the white collar crime thing.

Willuck: *** You are ignoring this inmate ***

Johnny Boom Boom: Who’s your cellmate, Schillinger? Man, sic Adebisi and Said on his ass! Grow some stones, Beecher. (Adebisi rules!!!111)

BarronVangorToth: Just pretend to whack him; he might die anyway. If he knows you know he knows you’re gonna whack him, then all you have to do is stick a shank in his direction, and there’s a &gt;4.3% chance he falls over dead anyway.

El Diablo: Barron, why are you wearing a dress and lipstick?

CigReduce (post count: 6): Good news, guys. C-block is allowing us to provide Smokeback. You don’t have to be a transfer from gen-pop; but any cartons of cigarettes you smuggle in for me, I will give you a pack from it in return. You can then use those packs to trade for anything you want, be it booze, drugs, or porn.

rmarotti: Did someone say booze?

Luv2DriveTT: Did someone say drugs?

Michael Davis: Did someone say porn?

peachy: *** You are ignoring this inmate ***

sublime: Wait, join with my crew, and I’ll give everyone two packs from each carton. And no menthols, either.

<font color="red">David Sklansky</font>: One should never smoke menthols. Do you see why?

Inthacup: Hang on, everyone. No smokeback. Not in this joint. It’s illegal. It’s contraband. Just stating the rules.

[A riot ensues, burned paper flies everywhere, stampedes trample guards, 11 people are stabbed to death, and <font color="red">Ray Zee</font> sits quietly in his cell, meditating. Nobody bothers him.]

Tommy Angelo: Standard.

[Mason Malmuth]

Hi joker:

Enjoyed your post. Hope your futre years are as rewarding as your first year.

best wishes,
Mason

[Harv72b]

[ QUOTE ]
The following is a short screenplay (of sorts) that I wrote over the past week on and off in preparation for my 1-year anniversary post.

[/ QUOTE ]

Nit. [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]

Okay, maybe I lol'd once. Or twice. Or a few more times than that.

And hey, seriously...you've given just as much as you've gotten in the past year.

Good advice, I mean...not tattoos.

[SackUp]

Fcking Hilarious!!

I almost fell out of my chair with laughter after the shant-jasont dialogue/make-out scene.

Smokeback = the nuts. pure genius!

Well played all around.

It's nice to have solid posters on the board...I hope you continue to post here!

oh and I'm glad I got in the mix [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[brettbrettr]

No CMI?

No brettrbrtettr?

Sad...

[shant]

[img]/images/graemlins/heart.gif[/img]

[chuddo]

[ QUOTE ]
peachy: what does whacked mean? why your getting raped lol! thats so nasty i wouldnt do that b/c u dont know where mah hands have been lol when is supper

[/ QUOTE ]

nice.

[newhizzle]

dude thats [censored] funny

also i think its pretty phat that i got in it and some carpal/'tunnels didnt

good luck in your second year as a 2+2er, my years comin up in a month or so, but i probly wont come up with anything like that

whens the last time mason replied to something in SS?

[PITTM]

wow, sweet, i died in the 2p2 screenplay...

rj

[shant]

Here's a pointless side-story. The first few times my roomate's mom met me she thought my name was Shank and called me that repeatedly even after I corrected her.