Girlfriend Advice Needed - Page 6

KaneKungFu123 · #51 10-23-2005, 05:14 AM

why are those supporting OP lying to gf avoiding the question: If it was her who cheated, would you want to know?

Messy_Jesse · #52 10-23-2005, 12:01 PM

Yeah, but there's definitely a good bit of truth to the adage "What you don't know, can't hurt you." And of course you would want to know, but that might not necessarily be the best for the situation.

vexvelour · #53 10-23-2005, 02:14 PM

Glad to see some are still good people out there in the world. Self-respecting people don't run from the truth, tell lies and otherwise avoid the inevitable.

Look OP, if you want to feel like [censored], lie to her. If you want to face reality, tell her and deal with the situation accordingly.

jmgurgeh · #54 10-23-2005, 02:37 PM

You abused your girlfriend's trust. Whether she might find out is not relevant. You now have a choice. You can A) abuse her trust again by not telling her or B) take responsibility for your actions.

Cue lots of people coming up with the most ridiculous ideas in the world about why nothing good comes of taking responsibility.

If you care about her, it's a pretty simple choice. Do you respect her? Do you want what's best for her? If you answer yes then you have to tell her and let her decide if it's worth continuing the relationship with you. She'll be hurt, but she'll get over it soon because you've only been together an extremely short amount of time. She'll have a better idea of who she should and shouldn't trust in the future. Most of all, it puts the ball back in her court and allows her to continue her life as she believes is best, not how your selfish instincts think is best. Anything else means that deep down, you don't really care that much about her, you care about what she does for you. "I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her," is just a rationalized form of "I'm a coward and I don't really care about her after all, but I like having sex on a regular basis." Truly amazing how many people defend that logic though.

"Am I a terrible person?" is just asking people to tell you it's okay to lie to her. You definitely acted like an ass; whether you are a terrible person or not will soon be determined by what you do after acting like an ass.

P.S.- If you can't control yourself, lay off the drink. There's nothing more infuriating than someone who puts him/herself into risky situations so as to induce the "But I didn't mean to- it just happened" defense after something bad happens.

P.P.S.- Listen to KKF EVEN IF HE DOES HAVE A BROKEN CAPSLOCK KEY.

Messy_Jesse · #55 10-23-2005, 03:05 PM

I really think that those who keep saying "You are a piece of sh!t for not telling her, you are horrible, etc., etc." need to come off their self-righteous pedastal and stop using vague and ambiguous appeals to "what's right"- I sincerely believe that if the OP can learn from his mistake and if he truly still wants to give things with this girl a try, then not telling her is OK, as long as he makes the proper adjustments. Noone is perfect, not even you bastions of integrity who claim that honesty is always the best policy. What's really important is learning from your mistake and protecting those you love from unneccessary pain, even when it comes at the expense of your own anguish from knowingly lying about it. It's selfish to satisfy your own thirst for "integrity" by force-feeding a loved-one unchangeable and unneccessary realities.

Lash · #56 10-23-2005, 04:59 PM

Jmgurgeh's advice above is the best you will find in this thread.

jmgurgeh · #57 10-23-2005, 05:18 PM

[ QUOTE ]
What's really important is learning from your mistake and protecting those you love from unneccessary pain, even when it comes at the expense of your own anguish from knowingly lying about it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Oh god, the anguish of not having to take any responsibility for your actions! How would anyone ever live with that! You, sir, are truly a moral martyr to love.

[ QUOTE ]
It's selfish to satisfy your own thirst for "integrity" by force-feeding a loved-one unchangeable and unneccessary realities.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thought this "beared" repeating: "I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her."

I must be psychic.

Anyway I'm off to satisfy my thirst for "integrity." I'm such an [censored].

krubban · #58 10-23-2005, 05:31 PM

[ QUOTE ]
Hell no man. Sooner or later she will find out and:

Increment of time you take to tell her = wrath x5

[/ QUOTE ]

I'm no casanova but sitting here as I do, studying mathematics, I can't help to think that the formula should be:
Increment of time you take to tell her * 5 = wrath

Laddy · #59 10-23-2005, 06:14 PM

Thanks for all your contributions. There's some great advice, from both sides of the argument, and I think in the end it's just about a personal matter of opinion, and no answer is necessarily right or wrong. It's more about personal circumstances and the relationship between the two people. This isn't to say it isn't wrong....cheating is absolutely unforgivable in every single circumstance. However, no one's perfect, and I made a stupid and costly mistake.

As it stands i'm fairly comfortable with myself not telling her, as long as it NEVER happens again. If it does of course, i'll have to be honest....as you guys have got it right, it's not fair on her at all.

Anyway I think it's better to close the topic here as everyone's probably getting bored of seeing this right at the top of the Psychology forum (wrong forum anyway isn't it...should of been in other topics - apologies.

All the best to all of you in your future relationships, don't use me as an example, as i'm an [censored].

Thanks again,

Laddy.

Messy_Jesse · #60 10-23-2005, 07:31 PM

[ QUOTE ]
"I'm not going to tell her because it would only hurt her and then she might do something not in her best interest like leave me, when I'm clearly the best thing for her."

[/ QUOTE ]

Here is the ultimate point. Its fine not to tell her if you are intent on changing and not repeating this. This is because if you tell her, it is almost a certainty that she will not be able to appreciate and/or understand that you have changed. She will base her decision to leave you on the grounds that it is in her best interest to leave because you are the type of person to cheat on her. However, if you have changed because of it, then her idea of what is in her "best interest" is based on the faulty assumption that you will not change and that your past cheating is a fundamental piece of who you are. By changing and not telling her, you dont give her the chance to come to the wrong conclusion, and also save her from pain.

Sorry if that is too muddled to make any sense. I'm not saying that your ideas are wrong, but I am saying that there is a different approach that makes just as much sense. Taking that approach doesn't mean that one or the other is wrong, only that your personal philosophy and situation makes that choice right for you.