This is tough to write

[slavic]

I lost my 3 year old son. He was injured a week ago Monday and died in my arms two days later, there is no personal hell worse than the impotence I felt watching him fight and fail in the hospital. All my knowledge, all my faith, all my will could not help, now I’m here with my memories. Austin along with his sisters focused my life, it is an odd phenomenon that men start life so selfish and end it so humbled by their devotion to others. My children transformed me into a better person than I could have ever reached on my own. They are my most precious things, and I would do anything to protect every last hair that lies on their heads. So as you can imagine my grief has been massive. My first thoughts were to quit and run home, yes my wife had the same first idea too, I find it funny as an adult I want to go run home to momma but there it is. This however is the quitter’s option and I have too much to do to just quit on life.

Our family is going through counseling for our loss, however there are things that are now approaching me in my poker life that I’m uncertain of. I have derived a significant portion of my income over the last 2.5 years from poker and my only income from poker over the last 18 months. I have become very use to the routines, the swings, and the grind of daily play. I won’t say it’s always enjoyable but it has been better than many other jobs I have held in the past. Now for the first time since I began playing many years ago I’m scared to sit at a table, and there are no counselors who know. I have always had a natural emotional detachment that I just can’t muster right now and I don’t know how to get it back. When I sit and assume that “state” the guilt of not being in torment is worse than the torment itself.

I fear my poker playing days may have come to an end. So far I have canceled my trip to the WSOP, it just doesn’t hold any draw for me right now, I’ll try dropping stakes way down and just playing and I’ll continue on with the local counselors. I have no idea when I will see many of you next, I am very thankful for the help that two plus two has imparted to me, but unfortunately I haven’t found the book that can cure this ill.

[bugstud]

[img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[trying2learn]

time, family, and friends are the only cure.

my deepest condolences to you and yours.

[Clarkmeister]

Good luck and stay strong.

[MMMMMM]

I am very sorry to hear that.

Time will eventually blunt the sharp edges of the pain but some wounds never really heal.

You may be better off not playing for a few months, or playing a lower limit. It sounds like you are able to look at yourself objectively in this scenario, which is good.

Best wishes, really, even though perhaps we never met.

[Lalit Khajuria]

I have a clue how you feel, I lost my 8 years younger little sister because of [censored] drunk driver when she was 9.

At age of 17 I prolly didin't realize fully everything, but even then it hurted like hell. And it hurted more to see how my parrent suffered, you said you have other kid also so try not to worrie her too much.
At least what impact it made to me, is that I have never been drunk and never will.

Also it's good you have allready got some help, but offcourse nothing replaces your loss never.

All the best in future.

Lalit.

[youtalkfunny]

Man, I am so sorry to hear that. Just as there aren't any words to describe what you're feeling, the same goes for us--there just aren't any words to describe how horrible we feel for you.

As for how to set aside your grief and focus on work: I'm sorry, but the only people who can answer that are people who have also lost children. Maybe the counselors can hook you up with a support group.

Life goes on. I know that seems impossible to fathom at this moment. But you've got a family to support. You need to get back on the horse FOR THEM. Austin wouldn't want his siblings to starve.

(If you've got the dough to take a few weeks off, then go ahead. But almost none of us can afford that, so I assume that you can't, either.)

[Ulysses]

[ QUOTE ]
My first thoughts were to quit and run home, yes my wife had the same first idea too, I find it funny as an adult I want to go run home to momma but there it is. This however is the quitter’s option and I have too much to do to just quit on life.

[/ QUOTE ]

slavic, I hope it helped you in some small way to write this message. But when I read sentences like the one above, I can't help but feel that you still have a very long way to go before you can even start to deal with this tragedy. Going home where you can have some support and unconditional love is not a move of a quitter. If that's what you need to do right now, go home for a while. You can definitely do that without quitting on life.


[ QUOTE ]
Now for the first time since I began playing many years ago I’m scared to sit at a table, and there are no counselors who know. I have always had a natural emotional detachment that I just can’t muster right now and I don’t know how to get it back.

[/ QUOTE ]

Again, slavic, those sound like words coming from someone whose world has been thrown upside down. This doesn't surprise me at all. I can't imagine how I could function in your position, much less focus and function at the table.


[ QUOTE ]
unfortunately I haven’t found the book that can cure this ill.

[/ QUOTE ]

If only it were that easy. There are few losses as great as this and the pain is obviously of a similar magnitude.

I'm glad to hear you are getting counseling. Don't hesitate to lean on your family even more than you are doing now. While there's nothing to make things better, I hope that in time you are able to focus more on your memories than the loss. These of course are probably pretty hollow words right now, but it sounds like you have some other great children as well, so hopefully you can all get through this together.

Peace.

[nycplayer]

My deepest condolences.
I can't begin to imagine your grief.
I wish you the best luck, and hope you find the strength to pull through.

[La Brujita]

My thoughts are with you and I wish the best for your family.