I can't take this life anymore

This is hard to even write so I wish no-one will post "YSCCKY" or anything like that.

At age of 15 for some reason all my friends started to call me with names, threat to kill me, and stuff like that. It was hell in the school, and sometimes I got beat ed up very badly and after that I have been afraid of trusting anyone and been kind of scared of meeting people.
I thought it everything was going to change when after I changed school at age of 16 and none of my "friends" came to that school, no such a luck i was too afraid to make contact with anyone because I felt like I'm piece of [censored] and no-one cares about me. I could hear in my head how people were laughing to me. So I started to skip lessons because I didn't wanna meet the bad people.. soon I was skipping days and soon I didn't go school in a week and so on, I got fired after about year this going on. I had nothing to do with my life and I was spending all my days at home, because I had no hobbies or no contacts to outside world, soon I started to gamble at first I was just loosing little money. Then I found poker, and rather soon I was actually making good money.. it didn't matter and still doesn't because the only reason I gamble for is to make myself feel like someone not just worthless worm.
I was hoping that when I have a lot of money my life would somehow become better, LOL, it didn't change anything.

In nutshell:
I'm extremely depressed now and have had suicidal thoughts, I haven't had friend or anyone to talk with 4 years, I just sit in front of my computer everyday, I lie to people asking about my situation because it somehow makes it feel better when i don't show how weak I am, my relationship to parents is bad and they have kept saying all these years how bright I am and I just must keep fighting and someday my life will became better because I'm still young, but somehow I feel like they just don't wanna see me anymore. I've never even kissed with a girl because I know they would hate me just like everyone else.


I have thought about my situation and came to conclusion that I have two option A) Make a radical positive change in my life B) End my life.
Hopefully posting this is the first step to happier life..

[krimson]

I think the answer is pretty obvious. Go to a doctor and look into medication, or go to a therapist or something.

Gambling (even if you're a winning player) is going to be pretty disastrous for treating depression. A downswing will come and you'll be 10x worse then you are right now.

[CamelZoo]

(A)

I feel like seeing a doctor would be like admitting my weakness..
As for poker I don't care anymore if I lose or win I just don't feel it some weeks I lose $20k who cares.. I just say "ohh" and keep going.

[revots33]

[ QUOTE ]
I feel like seeing a doctor would be like admitting my weakness..

[/ QUOTE ]

We are all human beings. No matter how well some try to hide it, we all have weakness. There is no shame in it. A doctor or therapist will be able to help you. Admitting you need help takes more courage than putting on a brave front. You mentioned making a radical positive change in your life. Getting help for your depression is the most positive change you can make.

[sternroolz]

[ QUOTE ]
I feel like seeing a doctor would be like admitting my weakness..
As for poker I don't care anymore if I lose or win I just don't feel it some weeks I lose $20k who cares.. I just say "ohh" and keep going.

[/ QUOTE ]

You don't have a choice if you want to get better. You have emotional and most likely medically treatable problems. You need to see a professional. None of this "I don't believe in psychologists, I can get better on my own" bs. YOU NEED TREATMENT NOW! There is NO other solution available.

Or you can continue to be Eyore.

[andyfox]

"I feel like seeing a doctor would be like admitting my weakness."

So what? We all need help at times.

There's so much good stuff in life--you're missing it. Get professional help. Everyone needs a fresh start every once in a while. Sounds like you're going to be unable to get one unless you have guidance. Usually, time gets a person out of their funk, but as someone who's been there twice in his life, I can tell you that having someone who's seen similar afflications can be a great help.

Go get help today. You can have many happy years in front of you.

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that you are suffering from depression which doctors have medications for. I have at times in my life suffered from depression and can assure you that medication can over time make you alot less depressed and you shouldn't give up hope. The first girl I kissed was a hooker and I am now married with children. So don't give up hope.

[PJS]

Hi LuckyInPast.

I urge you to seek help, whether it be a doctor or a psychologist. Suicidal thoughts cannot be left alone. Personally, I think you have made a huge step forward in posting you thoughts and feelings here, and this can be a stepping stone towards better things.

As others have noted, you will certainly not be a failure for seeking help. With the increasing pressures of society, you will be surprised by how many people actually need help.

I can tell you that doctors are willing to help, from personal experience. I know what it is like to hit an all time low, and it was only by going to see a doctor that things started turning around. Granted, things are not 100% at the moment, but they are on the way up. I'm sure things can work out the same for you also.

Good luck,

PJS

[vexvelour]

Listen man, we all have our stories, our traumas, our secrets. Just realize that although it may seem like you're alone in this, there are thousands, if not millions, that are going through the same feelings you are. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all human, and just as many can do great things with their lives, many more just don't have the tools or mentality to be successful.

Don't let the kids from school stick around in your mind years later. Kids are mean, everyone gets picked on, and you have to realize that it happens a lot. We change and become better people because of that.

I am very sorry that you're at a difficult time in your life. Suicide is not an option here- look at the many great things that the world can offer if you open your mind and heart to the world. Please see a doctor, and if that is out of your financial realm, at least see a 'counselor'. They are like therapists, but they do not use medications to treat patients, rather cognitive therapy and other routes. They are affordable.

Posting on this forum probably made you feel a little better, otherwise you wouldn't have done it. Seeing a specialist for your depression and anxiety will help you live your life again. Please heed my, and other posters', advice.