How to Get Rid of Jealousy?

[fimbulwinter]

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This is why I want to marry a virgin or close to that. It drives me absolutely nuts (a girl's history that is). You're right, it's not insecurity. It's something else.

All I know is this: girls don't care about sex the way men do. They don't care about it on the same level whatsoever. They don't see it as power, or extreme intimacy, or many of the things that we see it as. For women, sex is a tool to achieve their relationship goals. They typically understand the extreme importance sex represents for men, and they take that into account. They will use sex in various ways to get what they want in a relationship. This is true for young and old women, those who just met a guy or those who have been married for 30 years.

The key is to create a life for yourself where you do not depend on sex and don't 'overvalue' it, or if you do, make sure you don't have only one woman to get it from. Because, pun intended, you will get screwed.

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if you're a gimmick account, you're not funny.

if you're a real person, you suck.

fim

[fimbulwinter]

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I used to be very jealous if I had a gf hanging out with other guys alone. I've pretty much gotten over that. I have major major issues if my gf has done stuff with another guy previous to me. It's not so much jealousy I'd say. I just don't like it. I don't know how to describe it. It hurts. I think about the other guy [censored] her and it bothers me, a lot. I don't know why it should matter because she's with me now and she cares about me the most, but still... it bothers me.

Edit: It's not insecurity. Seriously, it's not.

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just make sure you're her best. this is not hard to do, but it generally involves some form of learning on your part.

it turns her past experiences into your personal triumphs.

seriously.

fim

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They don't care about it on the same level whatsoever. They don't see it as power, or extreme intimacy, or many of the things that we see it as. For women, sex is a tool to achieve their relationship goals. They typically understand the extreme importance sex represents for men, and they take that into account. They will use sex in various ways to get what they want in a relationship.

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This is true for some women, but as a generalization it is complete bullshit.

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This is true for women who don't enjoy sex, and false for women who are more sexually enlightened and have been with more sexually enlightened partners.

[rory]

What is wrong with feeling jealous?

It is a completely natural feeling to feel jealousy when you think about your significant other being with people. There is no way you are going to stop yourself from feeling jealous thinking about it, so don't bother trying. It is futile and a waste of effort and energy to try to stop feeling things. You do not have any control over your feelings any more than you have control over what you see and hear. When you feel something it is not coming from you. It is just a feeling that is there, which was generated from the sum of your life experiences and brain wiring and random particle collisions and what have you. Just as when you look at something it is not coming from you, it is just a thing that is there. You do not have any control over what you see and what you feel. We just think we should have control over our feelings because we think we are the cause of our feelings, since nobody else can feel them but us. But in reality feelings just happen outside of your control.

The way to approach it that will help you deal with the jealous feelings is to simply feel jealous when you are feeling jealous. Just be jealous. If your girlfriend asks you what is wrong, just tell her you are feeling jealous. It is pretty simple. You can say, "This is going to sound really controlling and stupid, and I know it is just me, but I was wicked jealous when I saw you hanging out with X." A lot of girls will even respond positively, because it is a sign that you care about them enough to get jealous in the first place.

The worst thing you can do is feel ashamed for your feelings and try to hide them from your girlfriend. If you are bumming out because you are feeling jealous, just say so. You are not accusing her or saying anything bad or asking her to change anything, you are just telling her what is going on with you internally. Just feel jealous, understand that the jealous feeling is nobodys fault, not hers, not your own, it is just a thing that is happening. And then tell her what you are feeling, so she knows why you are acting weird.

Talk to her.

[Ritter]

Wow... Just... Wow...

I felt this way when I was 19 too.

Then I grew up.

I don't say this to sound condescending.

Have you ever had a girlfriend BEFORE this woman?

If so, does that past experience of YOURS affect how you feel about HER?

Speaking for myself, from the time I was 16 to about 22, I felt like I was the center of the sexual universe and I subconciously interpreted a woman's choice to be with another man as a rejection of me. Hell, she didn't even have to be my girlfriend - I wanted to do EVERYbody.

Then I grew up.

Some things only come with time - like knowing when to fold aces on a Q-T-3 flop. There are times it is the right choice, but you can't learn them without getting burnt a few times.

Once your jealousy costs you a few relationships that are important to you, you start to re-evaluate.

This may sound cynical, but I believe that the chances of ANY relationship that begins in a persons late teens has as much smaller chance of success than drawing a runner runner straight flush.

You're just not going to be the same person at 30 that you are today.

You'll probably like yourself a lot more as well.

As for jealousy not being rooted in insecurity - reconsider.

Alternatively, you could kidnap a 2-year old, have her raised in seclusion by neutered monks and marry her with the confidence that she's had no experience in life other than you. Of, course, her oral will be lousy.

[mosdef]

i'll take a shot at this one. let me know what you think.

i am guessing that you are young, maybe sub 20.

i am guessing that this is maybe your first major relationship with a woman that is not you mom.

i am guessing that you never had to share your mom with other families that she just went off and mothered while you were growing up.

i am guessing that you are somewhere in the middle of learning the all-important life lesson that girlfriends/wives are not supposed to be mommy replacements and that's why you can't lose that intense feeling that you deserve their exclusive love. a lot of guys take a long time to figure this out. actually, some never do figure this out.

i emphasize that these are ALL guesses. i may be way off base, if so just put me on ignore.

[JohnnyHumongous]

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if you're a gimmick account, you're not funny.

if you're a real person, you suck.

fim

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lol

thanks for taking the time to write this inexplicable reply.

[CDSNUTSINYAMOUTH]

I'm not going to give advice but these are my thoughts on jealousy (not my own thoughts because obviously many others have studied and done research on this developing legitimate reasons behind the nature of jealous).

From an evolutionary perspective, we have been selected through millions of years to be JEALOUS. WE are supposed to be jealous. Our male ancestors who did not get jealous and overprotective over our female counterparts would eventually lose out on the passage of their genes. As a result, since we're still alive today, it is most likely (not likely but a fact) that our forbears were very jealous and its successful consequences have resulted in: you, me, and everyone else alive today.

Therefore, look at it like this. It's good to be jealous. You will get horrific images that you girlfriend is getting stooped by another guy. In David Buss's articles on jealous (if you want to learn more about jealousy, look him up..he's basically the leader on the topic), he proved that for men #1 thing they're most jealous about is their mate getting shtooped by another male. While for females, it's emotional infidelity not physical per say. As bad as it sounds (and obviously I don't advocate this), if the male cheats on his gf, the gf won't get as bothered as if you were imagining you were boning someone else while boning her.

I guess I conclude this as accepting the status quo to your feelings. You're supposed to be overprotective. In fact, girls and guys like making their counterparts jealous. They don't consciously try to, but it's a good way for them to induce their mate to show he/she is faithful and emotionally invested.

[imported_bingobazza]

Im gonna reply to this, against my better judgement. To all the people who think jealousy is good and normal...why dont you punch your girlfriend out when she speaks to another guy? Would that not prove that you really really love them?

Jealousy can be a very destructive emotion IMHO, born out of fear. When you feel jealous, listen to the 'I wish...' and the 'Im worried that...' comments running through your head. Welcome them in, and try to figure out whats causing them. Trust? Anger? Fear? Maybe get some outside help.

In a truly giving, honest, loving relationship, jealousy is replaced almost totally by trust and acceptance, warts and all.

I think theres a concern with the poster here of 'measuring up' sexually to the gfs previous encounters. Its likely you probably do, because she is still with you. Many women will eventually leave an otherwise good relationship where their sexual needs are not being met, but many are like monkeys, they wont leave one branch before another one has been grabbed (and they are very reluctant to leave a relationship where their sexual needs are met well, even abusive relationships). In a non satisfying realtionship, if they find somewhere that those needs can be met, they will want to leave, even though it might take 10 or even 20 years to do so...but they wont ever admit to it as a reason for leaving....and many wont ever tell you what those needs are...they expect the right man to just 'know'. Crazy but true. Find out what her needs are, and give it to her exactly the way she has fantasised it since she was young. Straight out asking her isnt the way to do find out....and this might be difficult to uncover from her, as she may not even know consciously. When you know you've discovered her secret, (and you will know) you will never feel jealous again...because no man can do for her what you can, and you know you're better than the rest that went before. You are now highly intimate, and even though she spends time with other men, you know where she'd rather be...deep in her subconscious.

For a clearer picture of women, love and sexuality, read 'Women in love' and 'My secret garden' by Nancy Friday....both VERY good reads. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Remember this...theres always some guy who knows things about women that you dont know, and who knows how to talk to them better than you. He sizes women up faster than you identify a maniac. Hes waiting everywhere, ready to pour honey into her ear, to dazzle and distract her from humdrum life, and to make the whole world dissappear when you're not around...if he hits the right notes and if shes a little curious or just plain pissed off at you, hes gonna bang her eventually, bigtime, and shes gonna love it.

Sleep well. [img]/images/graemlins/cool.gif[/img]

Bingo