TRIP REPORT: Mall Massage

[SuitedSixes]

I don't know if other places have these things, but here at the malls there are some enterprising individuals who set up massage tables in the middle of the mall and offer their services for about $1/min.

I am going through a particularly stressful period in my life, had a rough day and had some physical ailments this weekend that just made me generally sore from limping around all weekend. So, I decide that I am going to give this thing a shot.

At this particular location there are two masseuses; one male one female. I am pretty sure that being massaged by a woman is going to be more pleasurable for me so as I approach the massage area, I head right to the woman. She is a semi-attractive petite asian woman. She asks me how long of a massage I would like, I tell her two sessions ($20 - 20 min) but she tells me that three sessions will be better. I agree and she places my wallet and keys in an airport security style plastic basket, asks me to remove my shoes, and has me lay on the table, face down with my face in the middle of this upholstered hole. Through this hole I see the womanly shoes walk away only to be replaced by man's shoes standing at the head part of the table and I feel big, strong, masculine hands on my shoulders. Ugh . . . the old bait and switch. This sucks. Not only am I getting a mall massage, but I am getting a mall massage by a man in the middle of the mall.

He begins to massage my shoulders and head, and in spite of the uneasiness of the situation, I begin to relax. I realize just how relaxed I am as he picks up one of my arms to begin massaging that, it just drops off the table like dead weight. He works my shoulders, forearms, and hands and then does a pinching thing on my fingers that I assume is some kind of pressure point deal. It hurt as first, but it was OK. He did the same treatment to the other arm and things were going pretty cool.

After the arm/hand thing he begin kneading my lower back . . . really hard, so hard that I felt like I was dry humping the table. I have no idea what it looked like to the passersby, but it couldn't have been good. At this point I begin to realize that, evidentally, I carry alot of stress in my ass because my gluteal region has become the focal point of the massage. Let me stress again that this is a man, massaging my ass, in the middle of the mall! I felt like screaming, "Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!" I kept thiking of the episode from "Friends" where Chandler gets felt up by Joey's tailor and they argue over if that is normal or not.

He worked on the left cheek for a while and then began to move down to my hamstrings, and quads. He did another wierd pinching thing to my feet, then I made another horrible realization, "I have two ass cheeks." So he was back up the top rubbing Righty. I really expected to hear people laughing as they walked by, but they didn't. Next time I go to the mall I am going to stand there and wait to mock the guys getting ass massaged by another guy. I got enough in my Karma reserve that I can get away with stuff like this.

So he finished fondling my ass, repeated the other leg. At this point I realized why there is a hole in the table because I am pretty sure that I was so relaxed I was drooling, but to finish up he began beating the hell out of me with what felt like wooden spoons or his cupped hands. That definitley tensed me back up.

He told me I was done, and as I got up off the table I was so relaxed I could barely stand up. I paid him, and added another $5 for a tip, not sure why, that will probably just encourage him to touch more asses.

After the massage I decided to complete the Oriental experience by eating at Panda Express. As I ordered my usual double order of Orange Chicken over white rice with a medium Dr. Pepper, I noticed the scooper lady had a Playboy Bunny pendent on her necklace. Why do the nastiest, ugliest, skankiest girls always have Playboy Bunny tattoos or jewelry? I don't get it.

My fortune cookie said, "Your kind nature will lead to happiness" . . . in bed. I felt good about that.

After I threw my trash away, I saw someone that I thought I probably knew. She was someone I went to high school with who married a good friend of mine. I went to their wedding. It has been five years since I have seen her and she had a kid with her. She saw me, so I thought it would be rude to ignore her. I went over and made small talk. But the longer the conversation went, I was pretty sure that she wasn't who I thought she was, just some ugly married chick who was trying to figure out if I really I was hitting on her. I awkwardly excused myself and made my way out of the mall.

I will probably try a mall massage again, but next time I am wating for the guy to be busy rubbing someone else's ass.

[Patrick del Poker Grande]

No farts, no boners!

[Dantes]

did it move?

[smokingrobot]

there's a massage place up the street from me, but something tell me their specialty is not this kind of massage.

[BottlesOf]

Fantastic report, this is way up there, probably #3 or #4 on the year.

[Douche Bag]

Best post ever....ever.

[private joker]

[ QUOTE ]
Fantastic report, this is way up there, probably #3 or #4 on the year.

[/ QUOTE ]

I like this post a lot, except for the gay panic. I give it an 8.

[pokerdirty]

Sounds like you are more uptight about your sexuality than your body is tight...

[SuitedSixes]

[ QUOTE ]
did it move?

[/ QUOTE ]

No, but I was unbelievably panicked that it wouldn't realize the situation and cause some awkwardness.

[CardSharpCook]

Hilarious.