Top ten tips for beginners

[oreogod]

...so Tuco...here's some things to add to your list.

1a. Folding is a sign of weakness, and makes your penis smaller.

1c. When someone gets all up in your face with a bet or raise, 3-bet his ass, cards be damned.

3.The best poker authors are Phil Hellmuth and Tom Mcevoy.

[shant]

1) AK OFFSUIT MAKES TWO STRAIGHTS
2) IF YOU FLOP A SET ON A FLUSH DRAW BOARD FOLD POT ODDS
3) FLOP A FULLHOUSE SLOWPLAY THAT SHIZ
4) IT GOES BET CALL RAISE CALL CALL I FOLD AA FACE UP
5) KK IN BIG BLIND CHECK THOSE ACE MAGENTS
6 - 9) BAD BEAT POST
10) SELF DECAPITATE WITH DULL EDGE OF 8[img]/images/graemlins/club.gif[/img] CARD

[Harv72b]

Okay, redone for public consumption:

1. Pick the highest limit you can get into to start with. Why play for a few bucks when you could win enough for a Cadillac?
2. If you lose at first, move up to a higher limit. Better players are more predictable, and will respect your raises.
3. Make sure you wear a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses at the table. You don't want anybody getting reads on you.
4. You can't win if you fold. After all, it's gambling, right?
5. When you do make a big fold, make sure you always do it face up so the rest of the table can see what a good player you are.
6. Learn the names of some top poker pros before you hit the tables. Being able to drop their names will impress your fellow players and gain you respect at the table.
7. Don't let anybody bully you at the table. When someone raises you on the flop, reraise right back no matter what your cards are. Your opponent will fear that you caught a monster and fold, and he was probably just bluffing anyway.
8. Spend some time practicing your chip shuffling. This is cool, and will also earn you respect at the table.
9. Don't bother with books on poker; you can learn the game the same way the pros did--through experience. But if you really want a head start, just pick up Phil Hellmuth's videos as you'll learn a lot faster that way than by trying to read some long book.
10. Most of the time, your opponent is bluffing. This is yet another reason to never fold, even if neither of your hole cards ends up being playable. You're probably folding away half the pot if you muck the river there.

[twang]

1. Understand the power of LOL:

When you put a bad beat on someone, you should always type "LOL" in the chat window. If they tell you that you got lucky, you should type "LOL LOL". If that pi**es them off any further and they start telling you how much you suck, you should type "LOL LOL STFU LOL".

2-8 Play solid poker based on odds, not online reads.

10. See 1.