my downward spiral

[MelchyBeau]

So my life is going to hell. I was working a shitty job 15/hr 50+ hours a week, no overtime no benifits. my uncle dies, and I am asked to work the saturday before I have to fly out to the funeral. My uncle had a brain tumor, I was told he was doing better by my parents so I was going to wait til september to fly out to see him. Well it didn't happen. Turns out he was getting worse not better. I get back from the funeral, and I am told that I have been laid off.

So, now I have no job weee. I withdraw a chunk of my BR to pay bills. Well its been a while now, and nothing. NOT A GOD DAMNED THING. Its hard not to belive 4 years of college wasn't that benificial at all. I didn't enjoy my time in college.

So now I have tons of time on my hands, but because my job worked me so damned hard, I hardly know anyone here. I have lost interest in pretty much everything. I tried reading a book, but stopped within the first few chapters. My guitars have been collecting dust, I just don't care to play them anymore. My apartment is a wreck. I just lack any sort of motivation to do anything. The only reasons I have left this apartment were for food and mail.

My parents have begged me to come home, but I hate that town. I swore to not return unless there was a serious family emergency involving one of them.

In poker, I have gone from 2/4 to .5/1. I took a stab at 1/2 but had a 80BB downswing. Part of it was probably bad play, but I also only won 6% of my hands. The reasons I have dropped to this level are part need to my money, part bad run, part tilt.

I got accepted into grad school though. But even that I just don't care about. I've lost motivation and my ability to be happy. I realized how bad it was when my sister told me she got a boyfriend and I said that relationships just lead to pain.

I've always been anti-social, I continously see myself as fat, though I weigh 160ish and am 5'10". I was at one point 220+. I see myself as ugly as well. For a short period of time recently I was misogynistic.

I don't know what to do. I have no confidence in my poker game, or in my life. After being turned down by 200+ companies, and 2 temp agencys can't find employment for me, I devalue myself more more. I figured with getting on of the more difficult degrees (Physics) I wouldn't have much trouble finding employment.


I would like to have confidence back, though I never really had much to begin with. I would also like to feel happiness again. I don't want to take a job such as fast food or grocerys. I feel that it would just concrete the idea that I am worthless.

Melch

[send_the_msg]

yeah me too.

[TTChamp]

1. You are experiencing depression. It will pass.
2. If you are smart enough to get a physics degree, then you are smart enough to be a sucessful low limit player. Take the focus that you used to put into solving a complex physics problem and apply it to your poker. Take breaks as necesary to maintain your focus.
3. Figure out what motivates you. It sounds like you were only doing your job for money (and I don't get the feeling that you are some one who is motivated by money). If you don't have any debt then you can do anything you want. Not everyone has that opportunity==>take advantage of it. Finding something you are excited about will probobly require a decision or action that others find questionable or hard to understand. Do what is right for you, not what others consider to be the standard play.
4. Destroy your television. It makes you feel inferior, numbs your brain, and wastes your time. Live your life, don't watch other people's.
5. Ignore people who make smart ass remarks to your post. More than likely they see elements of their own quiet desparation in your post.
6. Get off your ass and make something happen. You have recognized that you are not happy. Do something about it. All that is between you and satisfaction is self discipline.
7. When you wake up in the morning make a list of obtainable goals and don't go to sleep until you get them done. Start off with an extremely modest list. No matter what, discipline yourself to finish your list each day. If you make too many goals you will fail to meet then all and you won't feel sucessful so start small.
8. Things will get better.

[DWarrior]

I'm still in college, and I never had anyone close die yet, but perhaps volunteering could help?

It might get you out of your slump and you can get to meet people/gain experience.

Back in Freshman/Sophomore year in high school, I volunteered making a website for a non-profit just because it was a graduation requirement. Senior year, they decided to sell their old car for $2,000, eBay had the same cars in worse conditions for $3K+ (Acura Integra, '91, 40k miles). They sold it to me for $1,200.

I also find it strange that your parents lied to you about your uncle's condition. Again, not qualified to give an opinion, but I think that may have worsened the blow.

[Dave H.]

Can you afford to see a psychiatrist? It sounds like full fledged depression to me. If so, you may not snap out of it very quickly without drugs. I've been there; it was very difficult to admit that I needed help, but it was the very best thing I ever did for myself.

Lots of us have a point where everything looks bleak. You definitely have the tools to get out of it, though.

If you don't have much cash and a lot of time on your hands, you might want to pick up one of Anthony Robbins' books - "Awaken the Giant Within" or "Unlimited Power." They're all about motivation, and how you have total control over your own life. If you can, see a psychiatrist, at least for one visit.

People here will tell you to try and make money at poker: they should be horse-whipped. You're not in mental or financial shape for that right now.

I've had ultra-crappy jobs just so I could eat. They weren't fun, but they were temporary. Today I can look back at them and laugh.

Your lack of confidence is probably showing in your job search as well. If 200 companies have turned you down, it either means you have to go to company #201, or that you need to change something and return to company #1. Apply for a job with the city or a nearby college - they're usually not great, but they'll have benefits. Supermarkets are often unionized, so those jobs might not be as bad either.

I wish you luck.

[pzhon]

You sound depressed. This is remarkably common. Get help. There is a good chance that you will be able to restore your ability to find joy in the world. This could happen on its own, but it is more likely if you get help.

Avoid poker for a while. Poker won't help.

[bernie]

I would say you recognize your problem and the direction you want to go. That's a huge plus there. Many just sit there and let life roll over them.

I'd go see a CMHC.(certified mental health counselor) They're not that expensive and you can try it for once a week or every 2 weeks. This will help you greatly, imo.

[ QUOTE ]
I don't want to take a job such as fast food or grocerys. I feel that it would just concrete the idea that I am worthless.


[/ QUOTE ]

If the bills get lean, you may have to get a job that's not up to your standards. This doesn't mean you will stay with that job forever by any means. It means you are doing what you have to do. It's very respectful to do that instead of going homeless and starving because your pride got in the way of survival. Up here, where Boeing lays off regularly, or goes on strike, we used to get guys coming in and working for many of us for side money. Now, these guys weren't accustomed to harsh physical labor, especially in comparison to their normal job, but they did it. There was never an air of being demeaned because they thought they should be doing something 'more' than basically gopher work.

But they did what they had to and then moved on when the scenery looked better.

It will change for you. It certainly did for me when I went through a huge transition that was 4+ years of absolute sh*t.

But again, I'd recommend seeing a CMHC as a starting point. Get your confidence back and priorities straightened out and it should eventually snowball for ya.

Take care

b

btw...one last thing:
[ QUOTE ]
I figured with getting on of the more difficult degrees (Physics) I wouldn't have much trouble finding employment.


[/ QUOTE ]

Do you like physics? Or was your only motivation the 'ease' of finding employment? You may find something outside that field that you like better and would be happier doing. Just a thought.

[bernie]

[ QUOTE ]
1. You are experiencing depression. It will pass.


[/ QUOTE ]

From his post, it seems he may have a history with it that should be noted. Not just a normal bout of it. Definitely something worth looking into.

b

[MelchyBeau]

thank you all for your advice. I can't afford a psychiatrist and I don't want drugs. I actually don't have medical insurance anymore. I was diagnosed with ADD, and they have me on adderall. I don't want that pill, nor any other pill.

In college I went to a counceler. I didn't feel any different after going for a year.

I've tried to get a job where all was really required was a HS diploma and the ability to read/write and do simple arithmetic, I was informed I was too qualified. I applied for a few of these positions. Also I asked the temp agencies to get me what they can, they seem to be a bunch of useless fucks. Anyone in San Diego or north county want to give me a job?

As for poker, I am bonus whoring right now. I am not affected by tilt when I am playing .5/1, possibly because the $ amount doesn't affect me too much. I am going to go to a 2+2 homegame saturday, mainly though to meet people.

As for physics. I enjoyed it. As long as my mind was so involved with something such as a difficult problem, I was ok. If I had nothing to challenge me mentally, I would continually devalue myself.

I tried changing my ways before. I was so introverted I decided to join the debate team, in HS I did fairly well. In college after being diagnosed with ADD and with meds/mental awareness of my problem, I became nationally ranked. I have no problem giving speeches or being confrontational. But still, the only time I went to a party is when I felt my friend would be insulted if I didn't go. I became pretty good at pretending to be enjoying myself.

someone suggested goals, but I have no idea what type of goals to set. I would like to try this though.

Melch