The Official OOT Novel

[diebitter]

As he walked to the place to meet his adversaries, he remembered last night's date. It had gone okay, he felt.

But then Ace remembered, she had told him she had a blog!

Should Ace divert from the task at hand and go check it out?

Ace decided to put on the mp3 player - the 'punk apes' were on. These were the best band Ace'd ever heard, better than the Beatles, the Zep, the Floyd and the Rusty Onions even.

Ace loved their track 'MS Paint', and it soothed his troubled soul.

He checked out his new body in a shop window, and he saw it was absolutely perfect. He was a redhead, tall and willowy, skin like alabaster, firm-breasted, with legs that went on forever. Absolutely perfect.

"I wouldn't hit it", came an ape-like grunt from down the street.

"A 3 at best!", came another Trodglodyte snarl, animalistic and revolting.

Ace turned, and saw the filthy ungroomed subhuman forms fiddling with themselves in the gutter, and Ace smiled. Ace knew the type in some strange way, but couldn't place them.

[jokerthief]

Struggling to come to terms with his new female libido, Ace decided to move to San Francisco.

[jdl22]

on the flight over he was flirted with, winked at, even tongued at by a not unattractive curly haired coed who was flying with her conservative parents. Not sure when to make his move he decided to do so while deplaning.

[daveymck]

Amazingly his opening gambit of can I SIIYP got a laugh and a phone number, he would ring later but wondered if long distant relationships really can work out.

He took a taxi to his hotel turned on the tv to found Life of Brian the film that should have won the best comedy poll playing, however being a young american he turned it over to American Pie or some other stupid teen comedy.

[Vavavoom]

So, due to the fact that he couldn't sleep. He opened his attache case and removed the book that he had recently bought but not yet started reading. The Book "How to get a girl - 30+ lessons you need to know" by the world renowned author S.C.Fuji, was meant to be a classic and had been top of the BestSellers list for the previous 233 weeks. As he delicately opened the first page, and read the first line, there was a knock at the door...

[WackityWhiz]

excuse me... we have had some complaints from your neighbors. Do you mind stepping oustide for a moment?

[lem45216]

Puzzled by this he stepped outside the door. But before he could come to terms with what he saw he felt a sharp pain on the side of his head and everything suddenly fell dark...

[ChipWrecked]

When he came to, he realized he was in the trunk of a moving car. He struggled and tried to cry out, but was gagged with duct tape. With a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach, he heard a nasal voice growl, "Son of a bitch, the fucker's still alive. Pull over. Pull over."

[diebitter]

Rough hands grabbed him, and he lost consciousness.


Ace slowly roused, his head throbbing, and his eyes blurry.

He gradually focussed, and realised he was in a bare room, and seemed to be restrained by the wrists to what looked like a 23rd century dentist's chair. He seemed to be wearing a red felt mini-dress with black go-go boots.

Suddenly, a red light came from above. Ace looked up, and saw a large cherry hanging from the ceiling, appearing to be lit up from the inside.

Then...
It throbbed. It was a slow throb, seeming random, but after a bit, Ace discerned a pattern to the throbbing - first 20 seconds from one throb to the next, then 40 seconds, over and over again.

The red light grew stronger and stronger, seeming to drill into Ace's brain.

"Must resist! Must resist!" Ace said to himself, but the cherry throbbed on relentlessly...

[sfer]

[ QUOTE ]
Ace Jackson woke suddenly. Something in the air around him felt wrong. His pulse raced as he sat up in bed and lit a cigarette.
Slowly the room came into focus.


[/ QUOTE ]

Pffffffft. Ahh, much better. The familiar scent of his morning gas made everything seem right.