Marriage Counseling

Indiana · #1 10-19-2005, 05:02 PM

Have any of you guys/gals ever gone to a marriage counselor? Today was my second visit to the counselor to try and help save the old marriage. I really felt like a wack job walking in there today. Most of the people at this center were ordered by the judge to see a psychologist so I was surrounded by some serious crack whores and such. I heard one drug addict say that he was there to see the "behavioral specialist." Anyway, the guy was really nice but I felt like I was wasting time. I offered to go because I didnt wanna be that guy who refused to go to counseling for the rest of my life. Has anyone had much success at this? It sure seemed to take T. Soprano a long time to accomplish much with Dr. Melphi.

Indy

Mike · #2 10-19-2005, 05:17 PM

What you get out is what you put in. If you have no real interest in saving your marriage why go through the motions? If you do want to save the marriage and you are really trying, look how many years it took to get to where you are now.

You shouldn't expect an instant fix. The best that happens at the start is a platform to speak from in a better environment than what you had before you found yourself in the office.

As for the rest of the customers, they see you the same way. Everyone has problems of some type and different levels of seriousness. GL.

JohnnyHumongous · #3 10-19-2005, 06:05 PM

See, maybe I'm young and naive, but I don't quite get why people in relationships that are clearly not working and which they have no huge motivation to save don't just head for the mountains. Seriously, at least personally I know that I can be self-sufficient and I definitely don't "need" a girl in my life, so why would I put up with a malfunctioning relationship?

Don't mind my ramblings BTW, they are at best tangentially directed towards you.

Rabid_Hippo · #4 10-19-2005, 06:05 PM

I read an article recently that a high percentage (I think it was over 50%) of married couples that go to counceling end up divorcing anyway. What marriage counseling often DOES accomplish is that the split is made on better terms and with less animosity. For instance, if you guys have children, it is definitely worth the time. On the other hand, don't feel like you have to use the first counselor you visit. If you are uncomfortable with one counselor, go see a different one the next time (this can enhance your experience considerably).

bernie · #5 10-19-2005, 06:21 PM

[ QUOTE ]
See, maybe I'm young and naive, but I don't quite get why people in relationships that are clearly not working and which they have no huge motivation to save don't just head for the mountains. Seriously, at least personally I know that I can be self-sufficient and I definitely don't "need" a girl in my life, so why would I put up with a malfunctioning relationship?

Don't mind my ramblings BTW, they are at best tangentially directed towards you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Unmarried, I agree.

Married = one word: alimony

Personally, I prefer pre-marital counseling.

b

bernie · #6 10-19-2005, 06:32 PM

[ QUOTE ]
I felt like I was wasting time. I offered to go because I didnt wanna be that guy who refused to go to counseling for the rest of my life.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is the wrong reason to go. Why just go through the motions or to appease someone else? You also seem a little 'image' conscious.

It really doesn't sound like you're that sold on the whole idea for whatever reason. Find that reason and start from there.

As one poster said, you get out of it what you put in.

b

MicroBob · #7 10-19-2005, 06:39 PM

[ QUOTE ]

I read an article recently that a high percentage (I think it was over 50%) of married couples that go to counceling end up divorcing anyway.

[/ QUOTE ]

This was me in my first marriage.
we're still friends and that was going to happen anyway.

Our counselor was actually pretty good. But it was mostly just a platform for my now-ex to tell me everything that she thought was wrong with me...which she was already doing anyway outside of counseling.

We moved a few months later and thought we were good..but she decided to end it...then wanted to get back together...and I said I didn't think it was such a great idea.

Former employer/friend of mine who went to marriage-counseling told me that the best way to do it is to just sit there and take it.
Let her complain about everything she wants to complain about and don't argue about it.
I do admit that I didn't take this approach as I felt the need to defend myself on most of her accusations.

While it didn't work for us I do believe it could be helpful for some (including me in a different relationship or situation).

But sometimes when a marriage gets to the point that the idea of a counselor comes up it might not be such a hot idea to stay together anyway.

I would definitely recommend a different counselor/location if this one bothers you.
the people around the waiting-room at the one we went to seemed perfectly normal to me. Certainly not crack-addicts or anything like that as best I could tell.

Peter666 · #8 10-19-2005, 10:43 PM

"But it was mostly just a platform for my now-ex to tell me everything that she thought was wrong with me...which she was already doing anyway outside of counseling."

Ain't that the truth. Nothing ruins love and a relationship faster than this type of useless criticism.

SheetWise · #9 10-19-2005, 10:52 PM

I've been to marriage counseling several times. I've been married 20 years. Not to the same woman, mind you -- I'm on my fourth wife. Been married 20 out of the last 30 years. For the first three wives, counseling didn't help a bit. Well, it did cause them to leave. That's something. I had the pleasure of raising three kids alone over 10 years. Most conselors just act as catalysts, they don't make judgements -- which is often a mistake. The last one I saw, it was my wifes idea. The counselor was real honest, and asked my wife what her f'ing problem was. My wife doesn't want to see a counselor anymore. It helped.

Indiana · #10 10-20-2005, 01:27 PM

Thanks for the responses guys. I will keep u updated on the progress of our sessions. At this point the biggest problem in our marriage is that my wife wants to quit her job and stay at home. Thing is she's 28, has a PhD and makes 100K/yr. I just cannot see her giving up so easy after only 4 yrs on the job. Especially when I go to work everyday and put in the effort. I believe in a 50/50 marriage but she wants to lay back while I do everything. Plus she dumps her work problems on me every day. The counselor is just listening right now but it seems that to salvage my marriage I will have to be the one to do the changing. Oh yeah, and poker hasn't helped the marriage either. She's got me on a fixed schedule where I can only play like 3 days a week.

Indy