Finding a Balance in Your Life

[Elektrik]

I feel like I'm lacking some sort of balance in my life.

For a little bit of background, I’m 20 and currently in college. My fiancé recently pointed out to me that I have an addictive personality in terms of what I do. After a lot of thinking, I’m inclined to agree.

I used to defend myself by saying, “When I do an activity, I do it well” as if it were a great quality. Now I realize that when I take up something, I pretty much focus solely on it with the goal to be very good at it. I’ll think about when I wake up, when I’m in class, when I go to bed, etc. This has happened with various activities (Spades, Competitive Ballroom Dancing, Working Out), where I’ve completely immersed myself in it until I’ve reached my goal of what I consider a successful person in that field, and then I lose focus.

Poker is the same. When I began playing, I immersed myself in the game and 2+2. It took a while to get there, but within the last few months I’ve begun making a considerable amount from it. I never played poker solely for the money. It’s nice, but what I really wanted to be able to do was beat the other players at the card game. I’ve suddenly found myself losing focus in it as well.

Am I destined to keep going through this cycle of heavy immersion in something, followed by a lose of focus when I reach my initial goal in it? I often feel out of balance in this way in my life.

For now, I’m doing ok with it. I’m fortunate to have the intellectual capacity to keep up in my classes without a great deal of work, and my fiancé and I are long distance, so I have a lot of free time in that respect too. However, things are going to change in about a year and a few months, when I graduate, get married, and go to a much more demanding medical school.

I really want to find a way to work this out before I reach that point. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[ifoldaces]

What you must understand is that your self-reflective view is not unique. Many people find themselves striving solely for one goal at a time with immense intensity. That is actually the best way to achieve your goals, is to concentrate with your entire attention. There are two reasons you may feel out of balance, one is because you feel you are missing something in your life but you dont know what and 2) you see yourself approaching life unlike those around you. So let me tell you a few Zen explanations for what you are experiencing.

For the first reason, what you are in fact missing is self-actualization, all single-minded, intellectual and able-bodied people have this natural urge. This goal is not a simple one but if you are indeed feeling this, you must pursue it. Most people spend their lives "asleep" under a veil of consciousness, memories and ego. Some of us subconscously realise this and wish to "wake up" but we dont know how. I recommend looking into Zazen Buddhism or Kabbalah for answers on how to achieve self-actuallization (and, further, enlightenment).

Regarding the second reason, understand that everyone has their own prism though which they see the world, some more contrained then others. If you find yourself thinking, acting or overall being different from your environment it is not because you are out of balance but because your "prism" (life view) is unique.

Also keep in mind that our minds are extremely powerful tools and they are capable of multi-tasking. It may seem like you are obsessing over something (and it may very well be), however note that you are also dealing with school, family, friends, car, house, taxes, religion, etc, etc. If you find yourself doing only one or two of these and neglecting the rest, that would be a dangerous sign of obsession.

In any case intense concentration is good and if you can apply it toward self-actualization all your other questions will be answered automatically.

Good luck!


Boris R.
http://www.TheLeagueNY.com

[Pepsquad]

Elektrik,

Relax my friend. You are well ahead of the ballgame. I know you don't want to hear this but 20 is still very young. Christ, when I was 20, I couldn't focus long enough to tie my shoes. Yet it sounds like you've taken many activities and been able to zero in on them with the intensity and determination that it takes to become good at anything that interests you. At 20 years old, you're still searching for what makes you tick - there's nothing wrong with that at all. In my opinion, once you re-unite with your fiancee, begin med school, etc. your life will begin to balance itself out. Right now you have time to attack all of these extracurricular activities. Once the more important aspects of your life come together - your hobbies and interests will slide into their own appropriate place. How can I make that statement about someone I don't even know? Well, the fact that you are even concerned about it speaks volumes to your level of maturity and to the probability that you will put these activities in their appropriate place when the time comes.

Pep.

[speclj]

I felt the need to reply, Electrik, because what you describe has pretty much been the story of my life since I was a little kid.

People in our position have been blessed/cursed with the ability to take wildly varying things that interest us and become very good at them. I add the above cursed along with the blessed portion of this, because it really does make us feel a bit unbalanced. I think that the reasons for this are the fact that, as the above post stated, our outlook is through a unique prism, and usually there is no shortage of people telling you that you are leading an unbalanced life due to the fact that they do not understand this compunction.

As long as you are not COMPLETELY ignoring the other areas of your life, try not to worry about it too much, after all, it's the journey and not the destination that truly matters IMO.

It's also worth mentioning that your only 20, don't sweat it so much. I.T. finally did the trick for me, but I didn't figure it out until I turned 26 or so (I know, still not that old. I'm fast approaching 30 now.). If, on the inside, you can truly say that you find contentment and hapinness by pursuing widely varying interests/skillsets, then derision from anyone else be damned.

Best of luck to you in your endeavors, and never question the urge to rise above mediocrity in whatever you do, even if it happens to vary wildly.

[Demana]

Your'e too focused on the goal.

Relax and enjoy the journey instead.

This is especially true once you have kids.

I leave it to you to figure out why.

[jb9]

[ QUOTE ]
I’ve completely immersed myself in it until I’ve reached my goal of what I consider a successful person in that field, and then I lose focus.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have seen this tendency in myself and some of my friends.

I think, in my case at least, the initial period of intensive focus and energy is caused by curiosity and the challenge of learning something new. But sometimes, once I've learned something, I lose focus because it turns out that I lack either the interest or discipline (or both) to continue.

It seems like my goal is to "learn" rather than to "achieve". Or maybe that's just an excuse for my lack of discipline...

I'm not sure if this is similar to your situation or not. If it is, one thing you could try (and that I try) is to make sure you have a goal beyond "developing the skill" so you will have something to motivate you after the initial period of intense concentration.

So, to use poker as an example, instead of trying to "become a good poker player" you would try to "become a winning player at X limit" or "win X amount of money per month or year" or "increase my bankroll to X by next year" or "win an entry into X tournament and finish in the money".

For what its worth, although it can keep you from fulfilling some important goals if you are not careful, this tendency is not necessarily a bad character trait. Over the years, these periods of intense focus can give you some basic/moderate skills/knowledge of a variety of different fields that even if you never achieve anything great with can make very pleasing hobbies.

[Al Schoonmaker]

You will probably continue the cycle you have described. It seems to be a basic part of your personality.

However, it is NOT necessarily negative. If you intend to go to med school, being unbalanced is nearly a necessity. It is nearly impossible to survive medical training, especially residency, without being EXTREMELY unbalanced.

In fact, if you try to live a balanced life, you will probably be seen as "not sufficiently committed to medicine." Believe it or not, two of my wife's co-residents were told that they had to get an abortion or leave the residency program. Having a child was seen as clear evidence of a "lack of commitment to medicine."

No normal, balanced person can work a resident's unbelievable hours, go on call and stay awake for 36 or more hours, and so on.

The same pattern applies to most other extremely demanding "professions," including poker. The top people do little more than play poker, eat, sleep, talk about poker, study poker, and play it again. Change a few words, and you have the lifestyle of successful attorneys, stock traders, athletes, and so on. If you want to live a balanced life, you are unlikely to succeed in any demanding profession.

Of course, this imbalance creates lots of problems, especially with spouses. As one ambitious executive's wife put it, "I wish I could have sued his company for alienation of affections. He cared a lot more for the company than he did for me."

So learn to live with who you are, and make sure your fiancee understands what she can expect. She may try to change you, but she has very little chance of doing so. The combination of your personality and the pressures you will face will almost certainly cause you to continue to lack balance in your life.

If she wants balance, and you will live an unbalanced life, you should understand the implications before you make a permanent commitment.

Sorry to be so negative, but that's the picture I see.

Regards,

Al

[Stuey]

Some very helpful posts here.

[ QUOTE ]
Am I destined to keep going through this cycle of heavy immersion in something, followed by a lose of focus when I reach my initial goal in it? I often feel out of balance in this way in my life.


[/ QUOTE ]

The alternative?

To be destined to keep going through this cycle of trying to learn new things, followed by a lose of focus when I fail to reach my initial goal in it? I often feel out of balance in this way in my life.

Or worse....

Am I destined to keep going through this cycle of refusing to try new activities, and getting a feeling of missing out ? I often feel out of balance in this way in my life.

I think all personality types want to change themselves to be more like some "ideal" they have dreamed of or others have expressed to them.

Stick with the possitive activities and not much bad will happen. I have not decided if poker is a good or evil one for me yet. But I know it is not the best one. Exercise is best as you can change it. When I got bored of running I just taught myself to swim. I always wanted to tell a doctor to make sure he keeps exercising! gl

[tomscuba]

Mastery by George Leonard

[KingOtter]

You're describing me as well, and I'm 37.

But I think the phrase 'addictive personality' is a bit of a catch-phrase these days, and people are confusing 'addictions' with 'habits' and 'obsessions'. I think a lot of people develop habits, and just don't know how to unlearn them. And because it is a habit... or a default action... they can't stop and think 'oh my god, I'm addicted'. Nahh, you just have a habit. You can't just erase a habit, you have to replace a habit.

For me, poker is closer to an obsession than an addiction or habit.

And I don't think it is necessarily unhealthy to have an obsession, as long as you don't obsess on it to the exclusion of things like maintaining your job, your personal relationships, your finances.

So maybe less obsession and more 'extreme interest'.

I had been spending a lot of time on online games like EQ and EQII before I found poker. Now I focus on poker exclusively. It IS my spare time.

One thing I'm surprised at is I've been playing for almost 6 months, and I haven't felt the wanderlust that usually pervades my extreme interests much sooner than this.

KO