Difficult Situation With A Close Friend

I would just like to say that I have lurked in the Psychology forum for some time as I view it's application to Poker as an investment. I also plan on finishing my undergraduate studies and moving on to get a Masters or Phd to become a Psychologist. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoy the open discussion in the forum and decided I need your guys' advice on a very tough subject. Well here goes....

I have this friend, I'll call him Mark. He used to be best friends with myself and another dude I'll call Ben. We all graduated high school in 2003 and have all since gone on to college at the great ole U of A in Tucson, AZ. Ben and I have stayed on more or less the "right track." We both are in school, working hard, getting good grades, and partying only when we can. Moderate drinking goes on, during the weekends, as with almost all college kids and we stay away from drugs because we both feel, for us, they only sidetrack us from where we eventually want to be.

Mark on the other hand has not stayed away from excessive partying, or the drugs, and he has dropped out of school this semester. He has no job and is living off of his dad's money. Here is the thing. During our senior year of high school Mark's mom died of cancer. To me, it has seemed, ever since that event Mark has never been the same. This all leads me to the drug abuse that I am extremely worried about. It's mostly marijuana, every day, 5-6 times a day. I have not seen one of my best friends not high in maybe a year. He also drinks 3-4 nights a week and I have seen him take mushrooms before also. As a result of all this he has gained 60+ lbs. since high school and as I said before dropped out of school. He does not talk to Ben and I nearly as much anymore, he hangs out with younger kids, some of whom are still in high school. When he does talk to Ben and I he can't remember things and it seems he just doesn't care about much of anything. I am worried about his health and well being as I have seen one of my best friends make some horrible decisions with his life.

Ben and I have talked about confronting him on many occasions but we just don't know how to do it. He is very guarded when it comes to the subject of his mom but I have a feeling all of this leads back to the death of his mom and him not knowing how to deal with it and cope.

Any advice you guys have would be much appreciated as myself and Ben feel like we wouldn't be his friend if we didn't say something soon. Thanks.

Clark

[zPro]

Let him hit rock bottom.
If you intervene, he'll probably never talk to you again due to stubborness, guilt, jealousy.

Is he hurting anyone else? If not, let him be, don't be arrogant and self-righteous! He may have a different outlook on life than you have. He may have matured.

[HopeydaFish]

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Is he hurting anyone else? If not, let him be, don't be arrogant and self-righteous! He may have a different outlook on life than you have. He may have matured.

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Drops out of school, hangs out with teenagers, does a lot of drugs...yup, sounds like he has matured.

[ QUOTE ]
Is he hurting anyone else? If not, let him be, don't be arrogant and self-righteous! He may have a different outlook on life than you have. He may have matured.

[/ QUOTE ]

are you mental?---you could do the let him hit rock bottom, but if its as bad as you say and you are actually want to make the effort to take real steps, if he is living on his dad's money talk to the father about it, maybe ask the father what he thinks about rehab,

fm191124,

You may say I am mental. I don't know anything about the value of your judgement. To explain further: conventional life is not for everyone. I just try to be non-judgemental. If he doesn't harm anyone else, from my viewpoint, he has the right to try what he wants. What's more, if I figure out the guy properly, from the little I know, I suspect he would hate interference and probably go harder at it, for spite.

Anyway, you are enttitled to your views. I simply want to assure you that I have his best interests at heart in suggesting that he probably doesn't want to be interfered with. But I know some people cannot help themselves, they have to set everyone else right (according to their, or the majority, view).

[ QUOTE ]
fm191124,

You may say I am mental. I don't know anything about the value of your judgement. To explain further: conventional life is not for everyone. I just try to be non-judgemental. If he doesn't harm anyone else, from my viewpoint, he has the right to try what he wants. What's more, if I figure out the guy properly, from the little I know, I suspect he would hate interference and probably go harder at it, for spite.

Anyway, you are enttitled to your views. I simply want to assure you that I have his best interests at heart in suggesting that he probably doesn't want to be interfered with. But I know some people cannot help themselves, they have to set everyone else right (according to their, or the majority, view).

[/ QUOTE ]

This is not some broader societal issue about conformity and ambition.

This is about one person who this guy feels is throwing his life away.

And he's not trying to "set him right" - he just wants to express his concerns about the decisions his friend is making.

If you talk to addicts in rehab, most of them will tell you that they never would have gotten there if it hadn't been for someone who cared about them forcing them to face up to their reality.

[kyzerjose]

Clark,

I admire your willingness to at least try and help your friend.

I guess the real trick in trying to get someone to correct behavior is to keep any sort of "confrontation" non-confrontational.

Talk about observed behaviors without attaching your personal values to them. Express your concerns in a way that doesn't automatically force your friend into a defensive mode. It's really hard.

Be specific. Ask your friend how he feels certain actions he's taken have worked out. Don't tell him he's made "horrible" decisions.

Come prepared to offer him choices. Not an either "my way or you die" thing. Ultimately, he needs to make the hard choice.

Offer your support if he decides to make changes. Unconditional friendship.

However......be prepared to be bitterly disappointed. Don't get trapped in some sort of fantasy where you and another friend "save" this guy and he's forever in your debt.

It's just as likely he'll tell you to go F*** yourself. If that ends up happening then it becomes a matter of accepting the circumstances.

Continue to be his friend.

[ QUOTE ]

I guess the real trick in trying to get someone to correct behavior is to keep any sort of "confrontation" non-confrontational.

Talk about observed behaviors without attaching your personal values to them. Express your concerns in a way that doesn't automatically force your friend into a defensive mode. It's really hard.

Be specific. Ask your friend how he feels certain actions he's taken have worked out. Don't tell him he's made "horrible" decisions.

Come prepared to offer him choices. Not an either "my way or you die" thing. Ultimately, he needs to make the hard choice.

Offer your support if he decides to make changes. Unconditional friendship.



[/ QUOTE ]

I think this is good advice. Perhaps you and your friend can team up and explain this to him together. I would also add that, although you don't what to be overly preachy, it is important to express your deep concern about the direction he has taken. Make it a health/quality of life issue rather than a morals/values issue.

As a last ditch effort, I recommend talking to his father.

[pyroponic]

It seems like at this point you guys are headed down a separate path in life. There's really not much you can do at this point. Back in high school I started smoking marijuana like 15 times a week, skipping class, and being so unbehaved to the point of getting kicked out school. Now I attend the University of Michigan and am successful in both school and poker. Since then I have fallen away from many old friends as well as starting to fall away from some friends that I have made in college (same thing, they don't feel like putting in as much effort to get somewhere in life). The important thing is that you are on the right track so at this point that's all you need to worry about.