A family with a history of addiction ... and me

[Greg J]

I too have a family history of addiction. I have at least 2 generations of alcoholism. After reading yr post I think you seem like a guy with yr head on straight who wants to keep it that way, the same way I try to be. The problem is, as someone who has a history of addictions, we are even less apt know ehen we HAVE a problem. But you have a great tool at yr disposal -- the same one I have: a spouse.

You are a lucky man, as am I. I have had a talk with my wife about this, and have also talked with my family. I would not know it if I ever developed a real problem with drinking, so I have to rely on my wife. She will tell me. I'm a guy that loves his beer (southern Louisiana has this great microbrew called Abita), so I could see how I could get into a cycle when I drink too much too often. She also knows I love poker, and gambling is a potential addiction. My wife won't let that happen -- she is a wonderful woman who takes it upon herself to make sure it won't. I'm a lucky guy.

I have not seen my dad in like 20 years (I'm 28). He's an alcholic and drug addict, and as far as I know never succesfully went into recovery. (He could be dead for all I know.) These things haunt us -- it's something I have carried with me my entire life, and those that have not have no idea what it is like.

I would encourage you to be as open with your family as is possible. If they are worried you have a gambling problem, maybe you should sit down with them and tell them about your poker playing. Let them ask anything they want, and be honest with them. Tell them you enjoy the game, and why. Make your case.

It's good to be a little worried about these issues I think. I have it, and hope I never lose it. The fact that you made this post likely demonstrates you are okay right now.

On a side note: it's good to see someone who has these same thoughts.

[beset7]

I came from the same background. Family (and personal) history of extreme addictive behavior. I'm still dealing with it w/r to my concerned family. The thing I realized a while ago is that if I am truly OK with my decisions around gambling, then there is nothing to be insecure about. My co-dependent relatives can bounce off the walls all they want. If their concerns put me off center and have me feeling embarrassed, guilty and ashamed, then I need to take a good moral inventory, examine my motivations and decide whether I am making good decisions. If I am, then I need to let go of my irrational attachment to what others think of me (which takes a lot of help for an obsessive person).

I, like one of the other posters in this thread, have an addictive personality and it affects ANYTHING i find interesting. This has allowed me to often get very good at doing very unhealthy things. So I have to constantly safeguard myself against myself but having people around me who love and support me and who aren't afraid to question me and help me get perspective on my own behavior. "Managing" an addictive personality takes support from like-minded people, a good spouse/girlfriend/whatever helps, and a willingness to always be open to question whatever I think the truth may actually be about my “self” and the world around me.

What a pain in the ass.

[timprov]

It sounds like you have something of an obsessive personality. There's nothing wrong with that, but you can see how combining that with a poker interest might look like gambling addiction from the outside. And it's worth watching in yourself as it could always develop into something worse. I have two suggestions for you:

1. Get another hobby/interest. I'm not saying you should abandon poker for it, but realize that if you're spending all your time thinking about holdem and the NFL you're an incredibly boring human being.

2. Presuming they trust your wife and she's willing, have her do regular (quarterly?) audits of your gambling finances. This is the best way to combat both gambling addiction and the illusion of it -- have a responsible, non-gambler party with access to all the data. This will both reassure her family, and give you a backup system in case you ever do start unreasonably chasing losses.

[Zetack]

Well, to start, if your description of your post is accurate you aren't addicted in the way that your family is talking about. The common sense of addiction that they are using has to include a component of a very large negative consequense to the addiction.

I guarantee you I spend more time at work and thinking about work than you do playing poker and thinking about poker. Sometimes it interferes with my family activities, its been known to intrude on weekends and in the evenings I sometimes put my daughter to bed and then hit the 'puter, foregoing my evening time with my fiance to handle whatever crisis has hit the blackberry that night.

Oddly enough, nobody has ever said that I'm addicted to my job.

I wouldn't push the issue. If they talk to you about it, or if it comes up in conversation, sure, lay it all out calmly and logically. I like to end up giving them the bottom line which is: I will never, ever, spend any money out of my pocket on poker. [This actually annoys my fiance, btw, since she would like me to be more liberal in tapping my poker winnings for other things].

--Zetack

[yoadrians]

I just wanted to thank everyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. I'd also like to thank a couple of you who opened up a bit and shared a bit about your compulsive behaviors and talked about your family history, too.

Now, more than ever, I'm quite convinced that I'm NOT a 'gambling addict'. That said, I do realize that perhaps I need to be a little more selective in my sharing when it comes to talking about poker with both sides of our families - especially with the strong and painful history of addiction on my side of the family. Also, I liked the idea about involving my wife more - having her do an 'audit', so to speak, of my poker finances four times per year.

And, most of all, I have come to the conclusion that I need to broaden my interests a bit more. I'm a 29-year-old with a wife, a child, a full-time job at a newspaper, a couple great friends (one of whom posts here and has helped me become a better poker player and a better person since we met), two sets of close families, a mortgage, and countless amounts of other fiscal/personal responsibilites. The amount of time I spend just THINKING about poker - not to mention playing, talking about it, etc. - is a little out of whack. I think I need to pull the reins in a bit.

Of course, I'll continue to play my home games/tournaments, and I don't plan on stopping my online play, because it has been a solid source of extra income. But perhaps just trying to put it into perspective a bit more, and not letting the game control much of my thoughts throughout the day, is something I'll be able to do.

As for my family, and my wife's, I'll probably just take a low-key approach to the game and just not talk about it so much. And if they're worried and bring it up with me, I'll just be honest with them and tell them that it's something I like to do and, hey, the extra income isn't bad.

A little closure to the story: After posting my initial thoughts and questions last night, I went home and spent some time with Katie. We sat outside (very nice night here in Wisconsin) and had a couple beers and chatted. She let me know that in no way, shape or form does she believe I have a problem ... rather, she just wanted to let me know some family members had expressed concern. Furthermore, she let me know that if she ever thought it was becoming a problem, she would let me know immediately and work with me on it. So at least I know that she has her eyes open and, most importantly, she does support me and my passion for the game of poker.

I guess as long as I don't bring it up at the dinner table or in bed, I should be OK with her [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

Once again, thanks to all of you for responding, and I'd welcome other comments if there are any out there.

Take care,

- yoadrians

[DrFeelgoodRC]

Thing about playing poker is that nobody who knows you play will ever understand what it's like until they study and go through it all too and realize if you know what you're doing there are no worries. To everybody else it's just gambling and we're all idiots who don't know what we're doing, even if we make money or not. Nothing you can do about it.

[jacki]

[ QUOTE ]
(one of whom posts here and has helped me become a better poker player and a better person since we met)

[/ QUOTE ]
You are soooo gay.








Also, spending time with your wife and kid is always better than poker. Maybe not as fun, but definitely better.

[uw_madtown]

Adrians,

Don't know you much at all, but just judging from the tournament the other night, you're like a lot of 2p2ers -- a guy who is fascinated by the game, likes to play and think about it, does well when he plays... just like anyone with a hobby.

If your wife is keeping her eyes open and doesn't think you have a problem, I wouldn't worry about having a "gambling problem." You might want to evaluate if you're giving up too much time to your hobby in lieu of your family, and it sounds like you're doing that -- good for you.

As for the extended family and friends, there's not much more you can do than be open and honest with them about your playing. I still have family members concerned for me, and others that are very proud. I have an open book policy -- I assure anyone who wants assurance that I'll print out my PT stats, Neteller transactions, etc. I'll give them a lecture on probability if they want. Whatever it takes to reassure someone. And most people, even if they don't get it, are reassured that I'm taking it seriously and cautiously, and they trust me not to mess up my life. There are still a few people who worry, and a lot of people who I haven't gotten a chance to discuss it with (more, after that WSJ article... [img]/images/graemlins/tongue.gif[/img]). Some people will refuse to view poker as anything but negative EV gambling, like slots/roulette/craps. Or that it is a dishonest, immoral way to make money.

Thankfully, no one in my life that REALLY matters feels that way. I don't know what I'd do if they did. But I'd imagine if a parent/spouse truly felt that way, it'd be worth reconsidering whether poker was worth damaging that relationship.

In summation, you sound like a guy with his head square on his shoulders to me, and certainly not a problem gambler. I'd suggest not constantly bringing up poker around the family/friends who might be concerned, other than to just let them know that if they're truly concerned, you would be glad to talk with them openly about it. If you have nothing to be ashamed of, there's no reason to hide.

Best of luck man,
madtown

PS: Please inform your friends that I'm not a "ringer." [img]/images/graemlins/grin.gif[/img]

[FredBoots]

The easiest way to prove you aren't addicted to poker to your wife and her family is to stop for a month.

Both an addict and a non-addict will tell you they aren't addicted. Only a non-addict can stop.

Perhaps you do have an addictive personality. The real question is about what impacts your poker playing is having on your life.

The definition of an addict is someone who continues to engage in a behavior regardless of the negative impacts it is having on their life. You seem to have good control over your playing and you seem to be able to balance it within your lifestyle.

IMHO, you are probably healthier in this regard than 90% of the people on this board!