What's the best one-liner you've heard?

[Jim Easton]

Reminds me of a hand the other day. (Party Poker 5/10)

2 limpers, button limps, BB checks. Flop is 565. BB bets, EP folds, MP call, button calls. Turn is a 3. BB bets, MP folds, button raises, BB reraises, Button caps. River is a 5. BB bets, button calls. BB turns over 65o.

Button then says: "Tough to put a man on 65o."

To make it even funnier, I got the hand history and the button had 74 (sooted, of course).

[Duke]

You mean the line from rounders where Mike McD says: "Hey, I was winning before he even got here."

~D

[glen]

I this story told as a joke about four years ago.

[pudley4]

From Pokerpages today:

Grumpy old lady sits down and promptly gets a set cracked by a rivered straight. Immediately asks for a deck change. Dealer informs her that the deck was changed three hands prior, and she'll have to wait for the round to finish. GOB calls for the floor. Floor backs up the dealer, and she mutters something and sulks. The first hand allowable, she asks for, and receives, a deck change. First hand with the new deck, she gets two pair cracked by a rivered flush. Much loud bitching ensues. (writer's friend) then says:

"Hey, sweetheart, how's that deck change working out for ya?"

[dld]

"Without the river, there wouldn't be any fish."

[bad beetz]

people in my local podunk card room often say, "no river no fish," but what they mean is that you have to see the river or you can't catch your hand. Ironic, isn't it.

[yocalif]

Playing $15-30 holdem at Commerce.
I have KK near button, and raise, the BB plus 2 or 3 others are in the pot.

Flop, brings K,6,6, I have a fullhouse. The BB bets, one or two call, I reraise, BB raises again, I call.

Turn card..
BB bets, caller folds, I reraise.
BB and I are heads-up, we go 7 bets, and he finally calls.

River card..
BB bets, again we go 7 or 8 bets, and he is almost out of chips. I had stopped to consider if he might have quad 6, (I had recently lost Aces full to quads **no jackpot there**). I notice that if I bet again he can't compete the bet so I just call.

He had absolutely nothing!

I asked him, "what the hell were you thinking?"

He responds, "you kept pausing and looked scared".

I said, "yeah I was scared you would stop betting"!!!

Almost every player at the table start laughing out loud.

The maniac lost $2k and left....

[RockLobster]

[FREDSKINS]

never heard this one used at the poker table but I think you guys should hear it. Your kids call me daddy, your wife calls me stud and your momma, I done put that b***h in her grave a looooooong time ago, Roger, 10-4 over and out. I made this up as a kid when I harassed truck drives.

[folded_a_monster]

Just remembered this one. Playing low-limit holdem in New Orleans, there's this guy with the absolute best tell: Every time he nails a flop, he screams "GOD DAMMIT!!". OK, so this hand comes up where he raises preflop in early position. flop is QTT. Screams "GOD DAMMIT!!" and pounds his fist on the table while he checks. He check-raises the turn and bets the river with two callers, and me being a smartass, I say "Show em your pocket Queens". He smiles and turns his cards over and says with a laugh "How did you know what I had?". Ok, Foward five hands later. I'm heads up against the same guy, I bet the A [img]/forums/images/icons/diamond.gif[/img] 5 [img]/forums/images/icons/diamond.gif[/img] 8 [img]/forums/images/icons/club.gif[/img] flop, he raises, I call. We both check the turn. I bet the river with an A and he folds. I say "Flush draw, huh?" He gets a badass look on his face and says "Don't ever try to put a read on me!!"