Help: How to convince my gf NOT to play to get her money back

[VoraciousReader]

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...I will admit to having a sorta controlling personality. However, in this instance, i think the general consensus is that i am trying to get her to do something that is, objectively, in her best interest....


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A few points:

The "consensus" that what you are trying to get her to do is in her best interest comes from a random group of posters on an internet forum who have only heard one side of the situation...yours.

I do find it interesting that you admit to VERY similar behavior in your original post. If I may quote:

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I, for one, in B&M, almost always get it back, even if it takes me 18 or 20 hours to do it. But i only do it when, objectively, controlling for my sleepiness, the game is still good and i am still one of the better players in it

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So when you do this, you are objectively assessing the risk/reward and choosing the optimal strategy to achieve your goal. However, when your gf does it, she is demonstrating obsessive-compulsive self-defeating behavior.

Hmmm.

And, from your second post:

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All the technical, cerebral stuff fails miserably. She nods her head knowingly, but her eyes are glazed and i know she is thinking "hurry up and finish so i can log back in and get my money back."

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Since you have specifically solicited input from women, as a woman, I'm going to translate this for you. I think you are mentally adding "I know you are right but I don't care...hurry up and finish so I can go get my money back."

She is actually thinking, "Oh, good grief he's started nagging me about this AGAIN. I have been a GD poker pro for 4 years and I am so tired of him rattling on about this. But I love him, so if I just quietly nod maybe he'll stop and we can avoid ANOTHER fight about this."

I am not trying to pick on you, by the way. And I haven't been a poker player for very long. But I have been a woman for 30 years.

You may very well be correct. Your gf may not always be making perfect decisions. If she would just do what you want she might be more successful, happier, better rested, and experience less stress. The thing is, if she has managed to support herself as a pro for 4 years, she's already pretty successful. And she has a great guy who is concerned about her welfare and shares one of her big interests. (Even if he does think she needs to be "fixed" and writes posts to that effect on internet forums.) So, chances are, she's pretty happy already, too.

And even if you don't always agree with her decisions, they are just that: hers. ESPECIALLY regarding a job/career. (It's not like she's asking you to move to Trinidad for her job...you are only marginally affected by this behavior, if at all. When she wants to move to Trinidad, THEN you get to have an opinion.) Sometimes she gets a little obsessive over her work. So do people with lots of kinds of jobs, not just professional poker players.

You're not her father, you're her boyfriend. You've already talked to her about this, and she doesn't WANT to change what she's doing. And it seems to work reasonably well for her. Stop focusing on "fixing" her. You need to decide if this is a quirk you can live with. Personally, I think you'd be crazy to let go of an otherwise good relationship because you don't like the way she does her job. But I don't have to live your life, and only you can make those decisions.

Trying to manipulate her "for her own good" is quite frankly, creepy. And you've tried the "honest concern" approach. Is this such a huge issue that you want to fight about it until she retires? Is it THAT important that you get your way in this?

Just some questions that you might want to think about.

[Orpheus]

I think the above post is excellent, and it certainly made me think.

However, I also believe that you might have gotten different responses all around if you'd opened an anonymous account (with explanations) asking "How do I get my BOYfriend to..." and distinctly different sets of responses with "How do I get my FRIEND...", "...my husband..." or "my son/daughter". I'm not criticizing anyone. We're social beings and relationships are not irrelevant, they are crucial.

I presumed that this was a last-ditch effort before you gave up on the issue. I may well have been wrong. I replied as someone grateful for the great fortune of having learned a many life lessons from my GFs, but life isn't always geneder-symmetric. We may hope it will be (or not) but reality trumps wishes.

I assume your GF reads the great poker books and 2+2 (if not -- why not?), and that you do, too. Therefore, you know that essentially every 2+2 author (probably incl. her favorite) has devoted at least one directly to-the-point line saying not to do this. Find the ones that she might listen to. Note them. BUT do NOT highlight them, harp on them, or make this an issue of who's right. Choose one time to say "you know Sklansky (or whoever) says..." and then drop it.

Freedom --no, make that "basic personal autonomy"-- can't exist unless we can choose our solutions and mistakes. She deserves that much. Everyone does.

Though your most recent post makes it sounds as if she is somewhat less successful in "making it back" that your OP did (and brings it more in line with the experiences of my own friends), but it also doesn't sound like it an issue that is seriously damaging her revenue stream, or impacting her ability to mmet her obligations.

For get "optimal". This may be more an issue of rhetoric than results. Don't fixate on whether her rationale meets your inspection, and accept that she may simply need to do it --for now-- as an issue of personal satisfaction. Many many of us drop down to lower levels to blow off steam with decidedly -EV play or (on a larger scale of life decisions) work in the places/jobs that we find most rewarding vs. most remunerative. In fact, I hope we all would.

[ThinkQuick]

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However, I also believe that you might have gotten different responses all around if you'd opened an anonymous account (with explanations) asking "How do I get my BOYfriend to..." and distinctly different sets of responses with "How do I get my FRIEND...", "...my husband..." or "my son/daughter". I'm not criticizing anyone. We're social beings and relationships are not irrelevant, they are crucial.


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i like this

You got a lot of good answers to your post and I just wanted to point out something that has been touched but not clearly said yet.
She might be denying the change because YOU are the one suggesting it.
In that case, you'll just make it worse by trying again and again. Even if you use diffrent strategies.. So take it easy, you might just be making it harder for her to change herself.