Love-life update

[MicroBob]

Still long - but edited for length.

Hi all -
Starting a new thread.
Once again apologies for the length.
Brevity is not my strong suit.


I wrote a hell of a lot yesterday because I needed to vent and was pretty upset.
Here's the cliff's notes version to get you updated.


GF and I have both been dating for 2 years.
we were both seperated from our previous marriages for a few months before dating.
I recent finalized my divorce...delay was due to lazyness.
She has not finalized her divorce. She kicked the guy out almost 3 years ago but he still kind of assumes they are still together even though she rarely speaks to him.


He was behaving kind of badly at times but nothing too bad. Just a few phone calls where he wouldn't leave a message.
He has gotten out of hand of recent...specifically this weekend.

He went to her house and showed her pics he had of us together a month or so ago (different dates).

We suspect he has also been snooping around her house with a key that she forgot he had. going through her e-mail on her computer, cell-phone bills, etc.

He called me last night (first time I've ever spoken with him) and, among other things, claimed to be still sleeping with her.
I didn't believe him but was admittedly rattled.

She and I talked on the phone last night but I still didn't feel as great about things as i would have liked.


------------------------------------------------


Here's the update:


First - thanks everyone for their insights and support.
We had a wide-range of views here which would actually was kind of interesting

------------------------------------------

She came over today and we talked. Neither one of us had much success sleeping.

Divorce - She is contacting a couple lawyers tomorrow. He said he was ready to do the divorce.
I did not have to put any demands on her.
if he doesn't sign the papers she will do whatever is necessary.


Sleeping around - There's no real way I can prove one way or another. I still believe her.
His tone to me originally was along the lines of, "Well...you're dating MY wife. I just want to know how you would feel."
When I didn't really reply then he seemed to take the next step and try to MAKE me feel the same type of pain that he is going through

She is very concerned that he upset me this badly and that I am now more directly involved in this.


I believe her that she hasn't been sleeping around.
I also believe that our relationship is strong.
We talked about it and I am satisfied as best I think one can be.


She's very accepting of my paranoid concerns. She understood.


Action -

Her tendency to shut it all out has ceased.
She says that she is going to confront him and tell him to stop.

Anyway, she says that she is going to directly tell him NO more phone-calls, NO more contact, divorce will be done entirely through lawyers, etc.
She will tell him that if he contacts her again she will go to the police.

She is showing strength about this that I haven't seen before. I think she has done a lot of growing since when our relationship first started and she just wanted to close her eyes about him and make it all go away.


(obviously if she doesn't do any of these things then it will be hit-the-highway time)


If he calls me again I will tell him that if he continues to harass me I will go to the police.


Keys and Alarms - When he left in a huff he forgot that he left his copy of the key at her place.
She suspects that he probably doesn't have another.
she believes that changing the alarm-code and notifying the alarm-company that this specific guy is not allowed in her house will be sufficient.

She's also changing her e-mail password, etc.

Emotional status - I feel that our relationship is stronger than ever. Our day together talking this through was VERY productive and helpful to both of us.

We were completely providing strength for each other.
It was far beyond any expectations I would have had.

She is getting started on the divorce this week. The 3 weeks that I'm in Vegas (June 26-July 15) will be a good stretch for her to try to finish it off perhaps (if it it goes quickly enough).


I feel good about things.


Thanks again all.

[pshreck]

Now put a cliffnotes for that post and you'll be all set. I actually read everything from yesterday, but I cant keep doing this. Please shorten.

[[censored]]

Bob,

You sound very understanding and compassionate which I applaud. my only question for you is, in your mind where is the line or what are the boundries in terms of her truly taking action in severing the ties with her ex? Have you thought about this and are you able to make sure that you are not the one getting taking advantage of due to your understanding and caring nature?

[Cornell Fiji]

MicroBob,
I will transfer you the money if you need it to pay the locksmith BUT CHANGE THE [censored] LOCKS ON HER HOUSE TOMORROW.

Good luck with this situation, it will be tough and all of the advice from people in similar situations from the other thread said hit the highway, they also all said that they know you wont bolt. I'm hoping that you are right...

[MicroBob]

yup.
agreed.

she came over
we talked.
things are better.

she is getting the divorce. contacts lawyers tomorrow.
she is telling him no more contact or we go to the police.

I will tell him the same thing if he contacts me again.

I am satisfied as much as I can be that she wasn't sleeping around.


I believe we are strong.

[MicroBob]

First - I don't think that will happen ("but that's what they all say" Bernie would say)

Second - If she doesn't contact the lawyers TOMORROW as promised she will have some explaining to do. She said she was going to do it tomorrow so I expect that to happen.


If she doesn't confront him about not contacting her anymore within the next couple of days I will tell her we need to do this right-away.

But I believe she is ready to put her foot down and tell him that she will go to the police if he contacts her again.


If she just lets him call and call without leaving messages like before then I'll tell her that is not acceptable.

[pshreck]

Hmm.

Does this change your perspective (the one you had before you started dating) on how smart it is to get involved with a women who is not divorced, but just seperated?

Were you fine with this because you had just recently been seperated, and assumed a divorce would quickly follow with your new girlfriend?

After reading your story, you seem like a completely reasonable person, I just can't help but feeling that it is weird for people to develop deep relationships without at least insisting that the married person you are with have some more official ending to their marriage. This is leaving the moral issues aside, but just from a 'this doesnt sound too smart' perspective.

Note that I am not judging, nor do I claim to know much about this. I am just pondering and this was one of the responses I had to your story.

[bump]

[ QUOTE ]
MicroBob,
I will transfer you the money if you need it to pay the locksmith BUT CHANGE THE [censored] LOCKS ON HER HOUSE TOMORROW.

[/ QUOTE ]

You're not getting a transfer from me but Fiji is right. I said this in the other thread, this guy is a manic stalker. The fact that neither you nor your gf changed the locks today is evidence that neither of you are thinking clearly.

[thatpfunk]

[ QUOTE ]


Keys and Alarms - When he left in a huff he forgot that he left his copy of the key at her place.
She suspects that he probably doesn't have another.
she believes that changing the alarm-code and notifying the alarm-company that this specific guy is not allowed in her house will be sufficient.

[/ QUOTE ]

This is not good enough Bob. Change the locks, eliminate all excuses and have some piece of my mind. It is also a safety issue- you never know with people...

[MicroBob]

It doesn't really change my perspective.

She has a psycho-husband/ex-husband (whatever).

This guy could likely continue to be a psycho AFTER they get the divorce.


Up until this weekend it was really nothing more than:
- him calling her and not leaving messages
- once every 2 or 3 months calling her and telling her he still loves her and they should work it out
- one drunken episode where he showed up at her doorstep and she thought that would be the only time.

It was mostly a non-issue.

Then this weekend everything changed.

Also - I pointed out that he really IS potentially dangerous.

I showed her that after the first time he banged on her door she said she didn't think he would do it again because they had some finality. but he did it again.
After he came over to her place I said, "Do you think he'll confront me?" (since he now had pics of me) and she didn't think so. Obviously she was wrong there too.

In the past weekend there were a couple of lines that she said he wouldn't cross...that he crossed.

She sees that her judgement on what he's capable of has not been correct.
he could cross other lines that she would have previously thought uncrossable...such as breaking a car-window or violence or whatever.