How to approach someone about their drinking problem (a bit long)

I have a very good friend (we go all the way back to kindergarten) whose life is a mess right now. He's always been a drinker, but now it has reached the point where it is badly out of control and hurting his life in general. He is married (his marriage is on the rocks and he's only been married for about 14 months), and he has an infant son. He doesn't have a steady career to begin with, plus he's around 60 grand in debt to several different credit cards. He gets by because his wife's family is loaded and he lives off her trust fund, and she owns the apartment they live in outright, so he really has no costs per se, and can thus get by with no income.

He has no excuse for the condition he's in, but he is a good person (loyal friend, not a mean bone in his body), and he and I do go way back. Admittedly we've grown apart to some extent, mostly due to the fact that it's just difficult to have a normal friendship with someone who is drunk all the time.

I also consider myself a loyal friend and don't want to abandon him, as many of our other mutual friends seem to be doing. I want to help him, and his family has reached out to me to try to talk to him directly about his problems.

I'm going to do this in the next few days, but it's easier said than done and I wanted to see if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing and could give me some pointers. I don't want to lecture him and create that sort of environment. First off, I don't think that would be effective, and secondly, I'm not perfect myself, so i dont want to be handing out lectures to people.

I feel like this conversation needs to be had when there is no drinking. I called him the other day and asked him if he wanted to have lunch (my treat of course). He said thanks but he didnt want to go out to lunch because (1) he only likes going out to dinner because you drink at dinner, and (2) it's gay for 2 guys to go out to lunch.

I'm having a tough time getting him in a situation where i can have a 1 on 1 conversation with him about his drinking, and I'm also very inexperienced at having conversations like this in the first place.

Any thoughts on how best to proceed would be highly appreciated.

Thanks.

[InchoateHand]

Is there some other daytime activity you could invite him to? Basically, all you can do is tactfully offer your support, and let him know its available if at some future point he decides he would like to change, because its highly unlikely your opinion alone will be well received, or even listened to at all.

[ QUOTE ]
Is there some other daytime activity you could invite him to? Basically, all you can do is tactfully offer your support, and let him know its available if at some future point he decides he would like to change, because its highly unlikely your opinion alone will be well received, or even listened to at all.

[/ QUOTE ]

Hmm.. it's freezing here in nyc right now, so certainly nothing outside. during the week i'm busy at work, so not much then either. i could have him over to my place i guess, but i'm married and obviously i want to do this in private. i guess the thing to do would be to have my wife be gone for an afternoon (say at a friends house), and then talk to him then.

Still, I'm not sure how to even open this conversation. His siblings tell me that he's in total denial and gets very hostile when approached about this stuff. I have no problem rolling up my sleeves and getting my hands dirty, but i see no point in getting into a heated, bitter argument with him unless it will accomplish something.

[JonPKibble]

Time for a wake up call. Call social services.

[InchoateHand]

I would not call child protective services on anyone. Thats about the worst advice in the world.

If he is hostile to the criticism, again, its really unlikely he will listen to you regardless of the venue. The best you can do is find a way to tell him that you can help, and the second he wants it you are there. Again, you'll have to figure out by the standards of your relationship how this is can be tactfully accomplished.

One way would be lie slightly about your own situation (unless this would be ridiculous, depends on how much you drink), where you comment how you have been getting "a little out of hand," no need to make a big production out of it, but basically talk about yourself and how you are calming down, which leaves the blank space for him to say something similar. If he doesn't, well, your efforts probably won't accomplish much at this point, and the best thing you may be able to do is be supportive from a distance--quit drinking with him, of course.

[ QUOTE ]
Time for a wake up call. Call social services.

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Why social services?

I was thinking about convincing him to see a shrink and/or get into a 12 step program like AA.

Social services??

[fyodor]

When you do have the converstation start with something like this:

Listen, I know no one's issues have ever been resolved by someone else telling them about it. Because I really care about you as a friend though, I'm going to tell you anyhow. You have a drinking problem.

[RunDownHouse]

Kibble was trying to get you to have them take his child away from him. Great idea!

[JonPKibble]

Hopefully it should be obvious that reasoning with the guy is the first course of action.

Social services is basically a last resort, if he refuses to do anything about his drinking.

[fyodor]

I would not recommend recommending shrinks or AA the first time you talk to him. Most (99.99%) people immediately throw up a thick brick wall when told they need that much help. Instead offer assistance yourself. "If you need to talk to anyone anytime just call me. I know your family is there for you too. You have all kinds of people that love and care for you. You don't have to do this alone if you don't want to."

If he attempts to sober up and then fails (likely) suggest professionl help 2nd time around.