Difficult Situation With A Close Friend

I would just like to say that I have lurked in the Psychology forum for some time as I view it's application to Poker as an investment. I also plan on finishing my undergraduate studies and moving on to get a Masters or Phd to become a Psychologist. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoy the open discussion in the forum and decided I need your guys' advice on a very tough subject. Well here goes....

I have this friend, I'll call him Mark. He used to be best friends with myself and another dude I'll call Ben. We all graduated high school in 2003 and have all since gone on to college at the great ole U of A in Tucson, AZ. Ben and I have stayed on more or less the "right track." We both are in school, working hard, getting good grades, and partying only when we can. Moderate drinking goes on, during the weekends, as with almost all college kids and we stay away from drugs because we both feel, for us, they only sidetrack us from where we eventually want to be.

Mark on the other hand has not stayed away from excessive partying, or the drugs, and he has dropped out of school this semester. He has no job and is living off of his dad's money. Here is the thing. During our senior year of high school Mark's mom died of cancer. To me, it has seemed, ever since that event Mark has never been the same. This all leads me to the drug abuse that I am extremely worried about. It's mostly marijuana, every day, 5-6 times a day. I have not seen one of my best friends not high in maybe a year. He also drinks 3-4 nights a week and I have seen him take mushrooms before also. As a result of all this he has gained 60+ lbs. since high school and as I said before dropped out of school. He does not talk to Ben and I nearly as much anymore, he hangs out with younger kids, some of whom are still in high school. When he does talk to Ben and I he can't remember things and it seems he just doesn't care about much of anything. I am worried about his health and well being as I have seen one of my best friends make some horrible decisions with his life.

Ben and I have talked about confronting him on many occasions but we just don't know how to do it. He is very guarded when it comes to the subject of his mom but I have a feeling all of this leads back to the death of his mom and him not knowing how to deal with it and cope.

Any advice you guys have would be much appreciated as myself and Ben feel like we wouldn't be his friend if we didn't say something soon. Thanks.

Clark

[zPro]

Let him hit rock bottom.
If you intervene, he'll probably never talk to you again due to stubborness, guilt, jealousy.

Is he hurting anyone else? If not, let him be, don't be arrogant and self-righteous! He may have a different outlook on life than you have. He may have matured.

[kyzerjose]

Clark,

I admire your willingness to at least try and help your friend.

I guess the real trick in trying to get someone to correct behavior is to keep any sort of "confrontation" non-confrontational.

Talk about observed behaviors without attaching your personal values to them. Express your concerns in a way that doesn't automatically force your friend into a defensive mode. It's really hard.

Be specific. Ask your friend how he feels certain actions he's taken have worked out. Don't tell him he's made "horrible" decisions.

Come prepared to offer him choices. Not an either "my way or you die" thing. Ultimately, he needs to make the hard choice.

Offer your support if he decides to make changes. Unconditional friendship.

However......be prepared to be bitterly disappointed. Don't get trapped in some sort of fantasy where you and another friend "save" this guy and he's forever in your debt.

It's just as likely he'll tell you to go F*** yourself. If that ends up happening then it becomes a matter of accepting the circumstances.

Continue to be his friend.

[pyroponic]

It seems like at this point you guys are headed down a separate path in life. There's really not much you can do at this point. Back in high school I started smoking marijuana like 15 times a week, skipping class, and being so unbehaved to the point of getting kicked out school. Now I attend the University of Michigan and am successful in both school and poker. Since then I have fallen away from many old friends as well as starting to fall away from some friends that I have made in college (same thing, they don't feel like putting in as much effort to get somewhere in life). The important thing is that you are on the right track so at this point that's all you need to worry about.

[vexvelour]

Somewhat of the same situation happened to me that happened to your friend. I lost my mom my senior year of high school, went off to college and started drowning my problems. I dropped out of school after a year and was really depressed and just drank/smoked myself retarded every night.

I am not proud to say that I finally hit rock bottom mentally. Once this happened I realized that this CANNOT go on if I'm going to do anything with myself. I was going to see a psycologist or a counselor, but decided that I was strong enough to get through it. I picked my ass up off the ground and I'm back in school and in full fuctioning order.

The point is that for some people suffering through these very hard times, sometimes you just have to let them realize it themselves. It hurts, I'm sure, to watch it happen, but if you don't cut off ties with him I'm sure he'll come around. If you really think that this is super-serious perhaps you should speak with his Dad and explain the situation.

[ QUOTE ]

I guess the real trick in trying to get someone to correct behavior is to keep any sort of "confrontation" non-confrontational.

Talk about observed behaviors without attaching your personal values to them. Express your concerns in a way that doesn't automatically force your friend into a defensive mode. It's really hard.

Be specific. Ask your friend how he feels certain actions he's taken have worked out. Don't tell him he's made "horrible" decisions.

Come prepared to offer him choices. Not an either "my way or you die" thing. Ultimately, he needs to make the hard choice.

Offer your support if he decides to make changes. Unconditional friendship.



[/ QUOTE ]

I think this is good advice. Perhaps you and your friend can team up and explain this to him together. I would also add that, although you don't what to be overly preachy, it is important to express your deep concern about the direction he has taken. Make it a health/quality of life issue rather than a morals/values issue.

As a last ditch effort, I recommend talking to his father.

Here are my thoughts

First, I think that you definitely want to say something to him - but I agree with keeping it as non-confrontational as possible.

Second, keep in your head the possibility that you have simply lost this friend. I am very fortunate to have two very close friends who I have been friends with for a long time - but most of my other high school friends have falled by the wayside. It happens - we all take our own paths through life and make our own decisions and sometimes you just have to let go.

Third - if you really want to help him, do not go into it with a superior attitude. Do not tell him what to do. Try and keep the conversation as light as possible.

Fourth - expect his reaction to be negative. And when I say "expect" I mean that it is a virtual certainty that he will be defensive and tell you to f*ck off and leave him alone or something like that. What you need to do in this case is not take that to heart. Let it slide off you. This is a standard defense mechanism for people who are being told that there is something wrong with how they are living their lives. We all want to believe that we know what we are doing and will often reinforce this with rationalizations.

I would recommend you start with something like

"I want to talk to you about something. I don't want to tell you how to live your life or anything like that, I am just concerned about you and, as your friend, I can't just let you go on doing this and not say anything about it. Feel free to take or leave what I have to say."

The easiest way to hear bad news is straightforward and cut to the chase. When someone is upfront and direct with me, I know they respect me. Also, don't try to analyze how you feel about the situation for him. Letting him know your concern will be as much as you can do for him.

I just want to thank all you guys for the positive advice. It really has helped me in forming a game plan for this specific situation.