Having to give it all up for good (long message), advice appreciated

[Mizzles]

Hello

Here is my story and my dilemma, I am looking for comments and advice. This is a very serious issue for me. I am 34 yo male, first began playing hold ‘em when I was 19 in 1989 – at that time 12 sometimes 15 hrs a day. I stopped completely for several years when I went to medical school internationally. The reason I went internationally is because I began playing so much in my first few years of college, began missing all my classes, and basically blew my chances of getting into med school here. Once I left the country, I thought the hold ‘em phase of my life was over.

I eventually returned to the USA after completing med school, and during my residency was married in 2000 to my girlfriend of 11 years. Six months into my marriage, on my vacation month, I discovered online poker. I played sparingly, but it to my surprise it drove my wife crazy. And I mean CRAZY. If I even brought up the subject it would bring instant tears to her eyes. She even threw a vase and smashed it against a wall (she only did anything like that once and this was it) one night when I was playing. She couldn’t breathe one night 4,000 miles across the country when I told her over the phone I had played for an hour. It didn’t matter that I was winning, to her it was “gambling” and she just couldn’t stand it. My side of the argument was that it wasn’t “gambling,” it was a sure thing, a hobby/passtime, a challenge, which had a predictable monitary reward. She obviously didn’t see it in that way.

But for her and to keep my marriage sane, after one month of hell, I let it go; I basically had no choice, she couldn’t take it, and I couldn’t see my 12 year love so upset, even though I didn’t really understand it. So I more or less put hold ‘em aside, but never gave it up completely – playing very rarely when she wasn’t around, etc. (about 5 hours per MONTH). Although I never let her know I still rarely played, I think she kind of had a feeling. And she never quite healed from the early days, that 1 month had been like torture to her. 3 yrs later our marriage ended when she had an affair, and she recited these early happenings as part of the reason.

After the devestating breakup in March 2004, now that I was single, I began playing again, more then ever before and way beyond just playing – I expanded to data mining, add ons, poker tracker, the whole nine yards. I currently average 2.3 BB/hr, which per hour is almost equal to what I make working in the emergency room. And I love it. I love the strategy and the challenge. I love trying to attain my goal of 3.0 bb/hr. I love the data. I love AK suited.

But I will get married again at some point, I’m 34 and don’t want to wait too much longer. So what then? I’m faced with the reality of probably having to give it all up. I really don’t see any way around it at this point. I may have to reach the decision – the decision to finally put it all away for good – and revert to a “normal” life, doctor and wife. I can’t and will not let this get in the way of my marriage again. I don’t see this NOT being a problem in any marriage, at least not in my culture. Even if I wanted to continue playing, and say be up front with the woman, how do you tell someone you’re an ER doc but also play professional poker? To most women (and others) that sounds ridiculous.

One big problem is that for me it’s either all or none. I’m either in or I’m out. I’m either full on or rather not play at all. So I play now full heartedly and I love it, thinking, deciding, and knowing that this is all very likely going to end one day soon.

Any comments are appreciated.

[KillingAristotle]

That's a pretty depressing story dude. Sorry to hear about it. Anyways, I know there are several married men on the bored who play regularly and their wives don't seem to mind too much. I wouldn't assume that women are as closed-minded to poker as your ex-wife was, so don't give up hope. What do you mean when you say poker will never be acceptable to a potential spouse in your "culture"?

[lil feller]

[ QUOTE ]
One big problem is that for me it’s either all or none. I’m either in or I’m out. I’m either full on or rather not play at all

[/ QUOTE ]

Don't take this wrong, but this sounds like a symptom of compulsion, and I think you need help. One form of alcholism is to not drink all the time, but to get drunk whenever a person drinks, this is sort of what you described. If you can't separate poker from the rest of your life, you have a problem, and should seek help.

lf

[surfdoc]

[ QUOTE ]
Even if I wanted to continue playing, and say be up front with the woman, how do you tell someone you’re an ER doc but also play professional poker? To most women (and others) that sounds ridiculous.

[/ QUOTE ]

I tell my wife this at least three times a week and it eventually will sink in. Of course I always use the word "wannabe" before professional. Pretty similar lives we have in some respects as we have the exact same job and passion for poker as a second source of income. I have some things to share but it is 4 am and I just got off shift and don't have the energy to fully respond. I will try to come back for this one after some rest though.

[Mizzles]

Wow! Another ER doc amongst us! It's 7am and I'm just getting off shift, too [img]/images/graemlins/smile.gif[/img]

[stonecoldnuts]

With how nationally popular poker has become, i think you'll be hard pressed to find some one that would object to you playing poker in your spare time. Just as long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life.
p.s.- poker absolutely is gambling no matter how good you are or how bad your opponents are.

[largos]

Hi!
I think that you should make it clear to your girlfriend/future wife before entering a relationship that poker is your hobby/job.
There are many women who don`t have a problem with this as long as you don`t surprice them.
If she can`t respect your job as long as you don`t put your
family in danger, you should start looking for something new.

GL

[TStoneMBD]

sorry to hear about the breakup, i hope you are able to find love again shortly. dont listen to lilfeller, just because you want to either be dedicated to poker or quit entirely does not mean you need help at all. that was a ridiculous assumption on his part and rather premature. as long as you are not skipping work to play poker, unless you have an interest in quitting to play poker full time, you are fine as long as you are a winning player. i fully understand your need to either be involved with poker entirely or not at all, as you want to dedicate yourself to becomming the best you can be, which is the main reason why you play. if you couldnt dedicate yourself to poker the way you needed to, you wouldnt be able to improve the way that you want, killing the motivation for why you play in the first place. i dont think that poker should be a problem with future wives. as long as they know ahead of time that you enjoy playing it should be fine. if you come across a woman who cannot accept poker as a habit in your lifestyle, then you simply have a choice to make between your 2 loves.

[ggbman]

I think that you need to be able to prioritize better. Your ex-wife could have handled your hobby better no doubt, but i think it's weird that you weren't just able to disconnect yourself from poker for something that important. That said, there is a fine chance that a future love will be more open to your hobby, but i still think you need to reflect and decide that poker is not more important than your love life and go from there. Hopefully your next gf will be ok with poker, especially when some of the spoils get her a nice engagement ring.

Good luck!

Gabe

[tpir90036]

It sounds to me like you might be addicted to gambling and not just "a big fan of poker." Your wife must have known that you played before if you had been together for 11 years...

The fact that something like poker could get in the way of the rest of your life points to it being an unhealthy obsession instead. Is there anyway you could just keep opker on the side as a hobby or pastime? If not, I think it defintely lends itself to a bigger problem...one that you should probably seek professional help for. I hope that everything works out for you....

Good luck,
-tpir