Problems with gambling

Hi everybody,

I have a problem with gambling. It is hard for me to admit it, but lately it has become painfully clear to me that I must confront this issue before it consumes me.

A little background on myself:

I, like many of you, play and win at poker. In my case, I have won substantial amounts of money at poker with moderate skill and (mostly) sheer volume of play. At one point my bankroll was over $250,000 and I was happy and content with my life.

My girlfriend has constanly warned me about how poker is evil and that though she knows I win, she is concerned that it may lead to a gambling problem. I told her that she had nothing to worry about, that I play well within my means and I don't ever touch the -EV games, which was for the most part true.

I did dabble in some blackjack and craps, but the amounts that I was betting and risking was miniscule compared to the stakes I played at poker and for the most part was only for fun. Then suddenly, I've changed.

For some reason, I started to risk more. Whenver I went to the casino to play poker, I always made sure to bet a couple thousand in blackjack. Whenever I went to Vegas, I always made sure to have two seperate rolls, my poker roll and my gambling roll. Then online, I started to play and lose in bigger poker games that I wasn't emotionally ready for. Then suddenly, I was playing in these games that i was no longer FINANCIALLY ready for.

But I continued to gamble with the money I worked so hard for, staying in games where I didn't have the suggested minimum roll for, all the while gambling away and spending friviously.

During this time, I discovered casino whoring. That was probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. Anybody with any kind of gamble in them is going to be insanely -EV doing this because they will not be content with just the bonus. They want to win. And win a lot. I deposit $100 into a site to earn a $40 bonus. Two hours later, I suddenly find myself stuck $4,000 and feeling miserable, vowing to never be so stupid again. Well, call me stupid, because this year I've lost probably around $50,000 in internet gambling.

All the while, I've hit a massive downswing in poker. I understand variance and I understand tough games, and I do not really feel bad about it. What I do feel bad about is me not giving myself a fair chance at succeeding anymore. It's almost as if somewhere deep downinside I want to fail because I am setting myself up for it.

For some reason I am never content anymore. I am unqualified for most real jobs out there and poker by far is my best option finincially. However, even earning $100/hr isn't enough for me anymore, especially when for the longest time I was making more than three times that.

I used to be a regular in the big games, but now I just busted out of my Party account after losing (again) at blackjack. And I just shrug it off, saying I won't let it happen next time. Hopefully there won't be a first time for most you. But I know there are people like me out there. Gambling comes with the territory.

Now I have substantially less money than I did this time last year, even two years ago, and am in a huge emotional rut. I know if I just grind it out, I will be back up as quick as I started, but grinding has become a arduous chore for me. Earning money is actually boring to me. Winning money is a thrill. However, problem gamblers NEVER EVER win. No amount will be enough for them. When they sit down at the table they are leaving broke, almost 100% of the time, no matter how much during the middle of the session they are up. My record swing for blackjack in one session was up $4,000 to -$10,000 to +$12,000 to -$15,000 before I called it a night and burried my head in a pillow. All the while my girlfriend asks me how my bankroll is doing (she doesn't know that I've lost most of my roll), I just tell her "it's okay." At this rate, in a couple of months, I will no longer be able to accomidate her the way I used to and then she will know something is wrong.

I know my nature to gamble has helped me succeed in my development and play as a poker player, but at the same time it has nearly destroyed me. This isn't really a plea for help, because I know what is wrong with me. I am not even denying it. It's just something I feel like I had to get off my chest and hopefully at least someone will learn from this even if I won't.