Confession and request for help

[Rococo]

This is more of a psychology post than anything else, but I need help from the people on this board.

I am seriously beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to acquire the proper mindset for a good poker player. Without going into detail about limits and opponents, I think that any observer would say that I exercise horrible game selection. This has been a problem for me ever since I started playing, and I can't seem to fix it.

I don't play nearly as often as most posters on this board, and I don't play for a living. Consequently, my bankroll is shorter, I'm sure, that most of the posters on the board. Nevertheless, I seem drawn to games above my bankroll and I am largely indifferent to who my competition is. Although I seem to hold my own, I am under no illusions that I am the best player at the table in the higher limit games. Often, I don't seem to care. In any event, my bankroll is not large enough to handle the variance associated with playing high limit shorthanded NL against competent opponents. As nearly as I can tell, I seem to play in these games for the challenge, not the thrill. I am not ecstatic when I win big, nor am I despondent when I get hammered. I don't know why I don't care about the money more than I do (other than the fact that I don't need the money to live).

Although I make plenty of mistakes, I should add that I don't believe that tilt is my problem. I rarely drop multiple buy-ins in bigger games or begin to play recklessly. Nor do I believe that I habitually drop into weak-tight mode in games above my bankroll. Both of those problems flow in part from "caring" too much about the money. Like I said, I seem to have the opposite problem.

I am not worried about spiraling out of control. I have never lost money playing poker in a year in my life. I have never borrowed money from anyone to play poker. I would quit before doing either. I just feel like an idiot for exercising such poor game selection.

Has anyone overcome a similar problem?