i m a pathetic gambling addict- self motivation purpose

[wutevahung]

sorry this post is boring and long, dont read if all you are going to do is to diss me. dont reply if you are gonna make fun of me.

back ground- yes, i m another college student who has gambling problem. i am an immigrant from taiwan, has been playing poker for about an year and half. i read many poker books include SS1, SS2, TOP, SSH, HoH1, ace on the river and the book of tells by caro. and even though i dont get EVERY information in the book, but my game has improved a lot.

this is my story.

biggest problem- self control.

i have the skills man, i do. i used to (when i was confident) win 1000 everytime when i play 2/5. i won some big tournaments both online and live. i won a 30dollars buy in tournament at morongo,100ppl, first place. i won a pot limit holdem touranmetn 30+3 on pacific poker, 150 ppl, 1st place, and i played couple other times i got 3rd, and 7th. i also won a $1250 players free roll on pp with 1600ppl, 1st place.

i m very confident about my poker skill. poker has won me thousand of bucks. but my current bankroll is 0.

i juss cant stop gambling. one day in live, i had a really bad streak and lost about 1200 to a fish. since that day, i played scared and my poker life has never been the same anymore. cuz i wanted to win the money back, so i went to casino like 3 times a week, and because i was playin scared+ i was running bad, i lost half of my winnings.

hey guess what i did with the other half? i threw them away on blackjack table. yes i basically threw them away. so dat was about half yr ago.

i slapped myself, banged my head to the wall and screamed, i told myself i will never gamble again.

since then, maybe i have improved my games, but i was never the same player again. i lost my confidence. i often double think myself and panic, and make the wrong decisions. i stopped doing what made my game so successful, by playing great post flop against novices, being unreadable and have excellent reading skill in live. i lost my aggressiveness because i m scared to lose, i cant read people anymore because i am uncertained, i couldnt play LAG because it required good hand reading skill and aggression, but i wasnt patient enough to play TAG.


During summer, i forgot my promise,but tried to regain my confidence by playing the 1/1/2 table at lucky chances, won my self about a thousand. and i spent the half of the thousand, and lost half the other thousand at the 2/3/5.

so i was thinking, okay forget this. i will play low limit 1/2 online, dats steady, dats low, but if i can make consistent money of it, i should do it.

yes i did it for a few days. i won 800 in 1/2 about 4 days. then i went up to 5/10, was not used to the aggression and went on tilt, lost all of them again.

so i was like, wow internet poker is rigged, forget it, so i again stopped for a couple months, bought some poker books and improved my game.

after summers over, i came back to college, i wanted to play again. i asked my friend to send me 100 on pp. i turned that 100 into 1200 in 5 days. i played 1/2, 2/4 and 3/6. but guess what, when i had 1000, i decided to go to 5/10 1000NL table to test my luck. "wow i m a retard, this is about the 100th time that i play a game dat i cannot afford" that is what i was thinking when i sat down on the table.

i lost all my winning on a hand with my AK against some lucky doods turn 64 2 pairs. i had 100 left, i went to play blackjack again on PP, and wow i was on fire! i turned that into 500. but i wasnt satisfied, i m NEVER satisfied. i went back to the 1000NL table, but this time, i tripled my buy in 40mins. 1500, "hey it is time to quit" yes i heard the voice in my head, but i dint stop. soon later i lost all my 1500

(basically, got outdrawn by flush when i had a set, lost a 400dollars coinflip ak vs77, i had ak and lost another 400 because i put the opponents on the wrong hand)

okay, that was couple days ago. i was steaming like crazy, i wanted to punch a hole on the wall and kill myself. i called my teacher and told him i was sick so i could stay home and feel bad about myself. i was feeling cold even though i knew there was nothing wrong with me. i was feeling sick, i wanted to throw up because my low self control. i hate myself.

i thought it over the next day when i wake up, i told myself " dood, what r u thinking? play 1/2, 2/4, u can make 300 a day! stay consistent, if you do dis for a month, u have the bankroll to play anything u want!"

so i again asked my friend to send me 100, that is today, i made it into 400 profit by playin 1/2, 2/4 and 100NL, but guess what, i again threw them away on black jack table on party poker.

i was happy with the 400. 400 is a lot to a college student. 400 could ve bought me some really really nice things, some clothes, some good foods and something nice for my lovely girl friend. but noooo. i lost them.

i m sick of how pathetic i am. i need help. i soemtimes wonder if i should go see school's psychogist. but i know the answer already. i mean, i m not stupid. my life would be better without gambling. my family is rich, i dont need any extra money. i have friends who i can hang out with, instead of staring at the monitor all day and clicking the mouse. i m a student i am supposed to do hwk. i have a girl friend i have been going out with for 2 yrs and i love her and only love her more and more.

okay, advises from poker player? i know them all already too.
- stay in your limit
- dont go on tilt
- dont play black jack
- if you wont be okay to lose ur buy in then dont play.

what else guys? i mean, i KNOW THEM, I KNOW THE ADVICES, I GIVE THEM TO MY LOSING POKER PLAYER FRIENDS ALL THE TIME. i bought a white board to write those advises, so i can remind myself, but nope it doesnt work.

bein a gambling addict, throwing my money away, playing outa my limit, having no self control (playing scared or going on tilt) has costed me thousand of bucks and a pretty nasty quarter of grades and i m sick of it.

i want to overcome myself. i am a bad poker player. ironically, even though i do think i have great poker skills, i am a very bad poker player because i have no self control.

i can never quit when i m ahead, and stop when i m running bad. my philosophy has been play play play play play. juss keep playing. i have no goal whatsoever.

i think for a man to overcome his shadow, he has to face it. i dindt tell anyone about my story. i was ashamed. i should be ashamed, i am pathetic! however, i have to stand up on my own two feet against this, no one else can help me and i understand that. so here i am, telling the darkest side of my life to many strangers. i think, if i can ever grown of this, i will not only be a great poker player, but i will be a great person, so i have to overcome this shadow.

i welcome any critize if it has positive values in it, but no bashing.
sorry for wasting your time. this post is long, boring and pathetic, and i have bad grammar.
thanks for going through this with me.

edited- weird thing about my gambling problem is, i really dont care about gambling. after i lost my winning half year ago, i had 3 months without touching a card but i felt great. i am a pretty mellow guy who doesnt really care about anything. my girl friend often gets mad at me saying i dont tell her anything, because she asked me how was my day i replied with answers like "i played video game for 8 hrs, i m tired" or "i dint do much...went to class and worked out", that is ALL i felt, i dont give a crap about anything. i can play a RPG game for 8 hrs, i can play basketball and work out everyday, i really dont care, and those things r better than poker, but yes, i still chose poker at the end and i dont know why, and i wonder.

edit again- did i lose any money outside what i won? no

[vexvelour]

I have a feeling most of the vets here are going to tell you to quit gambling all together. I'd have to agree.

I think the first test in poker discipline is staying within your limits. You obviously have no control over this.

[ QUOTE ]
bein a gambling addict, throwing my money away, playing outa my limit, having no self control (playing scared or going on tilt) has costed me thousand of bucks and a pretty nasty quarter of grades and i m sick of it.

[/ QUOTE ]

Deal with school. Poker is not life.

[wutevahung]

yes i agree with you. i shoudl stay in school.

however, as you can see, i have no self discipline at all. i trust myself to be a pretty intelligent guy because once i get my mind into something, i become really good at it. just that i have no self control whatsoever.

i do agree with you though, schoool is freakin so important to me but i dont know wtf i m doing.

this thread is probably not going to get rid of my gambling problem, but i know this will make an impact on me because i m taking a step forward toward my weakness. and i probably will show my friends so i can receive criticize from the people i know in real life so i can actually change.

[tomdemaine]

Get someone you trust to unplug your internet cable or router and hide it for 1 month. Use public internet like coffee shops etc for schoolwork for a while, then after a month come back and reasses the situation. You might find you don't need to play after all.

[wutevahung]

ahhaha this wouldnt work for 1 reason, i am an online addict too. because i m easily to get annoyed so most of the day i would feel solitary and stay in the room, without internet then i would have nothing to do.

thanks for the advise tho.

ya after my lost half year ago, there was 3 months without touchign a card and it felt great, but i came back to poker because i knew i could make money once i could control myself, but i guess i still have no discipline at all.

Dude, your type needs stimulation. Try surfing or chess T.

[wutevahung]

mm, i actaully do love board games, i m a pretty good chinese chess player and a decent go player (learned go when i was 5 and won the championship for little kids in a big tournametn in Taipei)

there was a time when i was crazy over go too. i would read books and ask my friends who is 2d to teach me everyday. i still sometimes play it online on KGS.

and still turned to poker i dont know why....

thanks tho, a really good advise.

[vexvelour]

In just the past 3 replies to the advice you've received, you have shot down every single idea.

You need to be willing to make a change TO ACTUALLY MAKE A CHANGE. Perhaps you need to visit a Gamblers Anon meeting. Stop visiting casinos. Withdraw all your online BR.

STOP PLAYING POKER

[wutevahung]

sorry if sounded like if was being stubborn, but i tried board games, but i love being online (even if i m not playin poker, like right now), but yes, i will focus on school alot.

not turning you guys's ideas down. really appreciate you guys take time to read and reply, really help me a lot.

[vexvelour]

There are millions of things to do online that don't involve poker/gambling.

Good luck to you.