Just another sorry thirty-something!

[rohjoh]

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I am not sure if this is related to the self image, but she recently got a tatoo on her backside (shhh, this is a secret), and she has recently started to wear thongs (underwear). I wouldn't think she would do this with too poor of a self image.

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I have heard it said the first sign that a guy is cheating on his wife is he buys new underwear, or changes underwear syle. Was it your suggestion she get the tatoo? Or did she just show up with it? Did you help pick it out? If you did not, then who did? What is it of?

[TimM]

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What is a better way to relieve stress than to have sex?

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If she's not getting off, it's just the opposite.

[jakethebake]

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I outlined two possibilities. This is one. Everyone is jumping on the other. I'm just saying don't jump to that conclusion immediately.

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That is somehwat prudent, but the new evidence that has come to light, man, makes things look very much worse than the OP alone. All the more so since the reaction to it is pretty much unanimous.

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I outlined the two possibilites after the tattoo and thing post. Here's what I think is going on. The woman had a kid. She did the mom thing for awhile. She got in the same rut they all do after that. She was stuck in that rut for awhile. She didn't like the way she felt about herself.

What does anyone do when they're in a rut? They drift along for awhile, then one day decide they need to get out of it. She goes out and buys the new thongs and gets the tattoo.

I don't know how long ago this was, or what's gone on since then. But I will say this, if she hasn't started cheating yet, you better get off your ass and make her feel sexy. She needs that from you. If she doesn't get it from you, she'll get it from someone. Don't tell her what a good mom she is. Don't tell her how much you depend on her, or how much she means to you.

Don't romance her. Make her feel sexy. Next time she takes a shower, get in the damn shower with her. Next time you're in bed with her, don't ask, just go South.

Get a damn babysitter, and don't take her out for a nice dinner and a movie. Take her to a bar, get her drunk and [censored] her in the parking lot.

Forget therapy or counseling. Just make her feel like a woman.

[astroglide]

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you better get off your ass and make her feel sexy. She needs that from you. If she doesn't get it from you, she'll get it from someone.

[/ QUOTE ]

you make this sound like a [censored] business proposition: "if you don't want to sell me a television, i'll go get a better deal from your competitor." IT'S HIS [censored] WIFE. if she's going to cheat on him and the only communication that has occured is along the lines of "oh sorry about last night it's just that i'm so stressed with work" she's a terrible spouse and not fit for marriage. i'm not saying this is the case, just expanding on the justification you've laid out.

there's also no way i would take the appealing to her femininity route if i hadn't done anything wrong, and it seems like the original poster is a reasonable and understanding guy. i don't think he needs to reward somebody for hosing him or being unable to tolerate the difficulties of a normal day of life. sex isn't a gift from her to him, it's something they should be sharing with equal value for both. if that's the case, why should be NEED to put in intense amounts of effort so that she can get the same thing that he's getting? not want, but NEED. this isn't a cool romantic bonus he's giving, it's a requirement.

[jakethebake]

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you make this sound like a [censored] business proposition: "if you don't want to sell me a television, i'll go get a better deal from your competitor." IT'S HIS [censored] WIFE. if she's going to cheat on him and the only communication that has occured is along the lines of "oh sorry about last night it's just that i'm so stressed with work" she's a terrible spouse and not fit for marriage. i'm not saying this is the case, just expanding on the justification you've laid out.

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that wasn't really at all what i was saying, but i don't entirely disagree with you either.

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there's also no way i would take the appealing to her femininity route if i hadn't done anything wrong, and it seems like the original poster is a reasonable and understanding guy. i don't think he needs to reward somebody for hosing him or being unable to tolerate the difficulties of a normal day of life. sex isn't a gift from her to him, it's something they should be sharing with equal value for both. if that's the case, why should be NEED (not want, but NEED - this isn't a cool romantic bonus he's giving it's a requirement) to put in intense amounts of effort so that she can get the same thing that he's getting?

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and this is even further from what i was saying. it in no way conflicts with what i was saying. But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

[daveymck]

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But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

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I have pretty much agreed with everything you have said in the thread (and had some similar ideas about wineing and dining) but this is the key part of any long term relationship, even more so when kids come along and things change dramatically, your identities change, the dynamics of being a couple change. Somtime you get pissed off and wonder what you are doing still there, it doesnt mean its a bad relationship or one of the spouses isnt worthy of it. Its just life, you have to work damn hard at it.

[Rick Nebiolo]

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Now here is the thing. I am not your everday macho-idiot who only seeks one thing (although it would be nice to get that one thing). I am a stay at home dad who cooks, cleans, plays soccer-dad, coaches, gives the wife back rubs, and sends her off on girls weekends and happy hours.

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Is there any chance she thinks you're a wimp?

~ Rick

[diebitter]

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[ QUOTE ]

But the fact is that people go through different emotional issues. relationships get stale. people get in ruts. this post-childbirth thing is very common. and yea, when you're in a relationship, sometimes you have to work at it. sometimes it's one of you having a problem, sometimes it's the other. and you have to help each other out of those ruts.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have pretty much agreed with everything you have said in the thread (and had some similar ideas about wineing and dining) but this is the key part of any long term relationship, even more so when kids come along and things change dramatically, your identities change, the dynamics of being a couple change. Somtime you get pissed off and wonder what you are doing still there, it doesnt mean its a bad relationship or one of the spouses isnt worthy of it. Its just life, you have to work damn hard at it.

[/ QUOTE ]

All solid, except one addenda. Sometimes guys (and gals) work really hard at it, and at the end, it still doesn't change. This can be even more desolating, but it is obviously way better to try and maybe fail than not even try.

By all means, put as much energy into it as you possibly can, but don't just assume it'll be enough to fix it, that's all.

And I don't think this has been touched on - think hard about your relationship with your kid(s), and how your relationship with them will change if you and your partner can't resolve this problem. Sometimes you need to bear the problem, sometimes not, I guess.

What are your priorities, is what I'd say you need to consider uppermost.

[Boris]

Do you use birth control when you get lucky?

[PokerNoob]

Since you have talked to her time and time again about this, you need to tell her that you're really serious about improving the relationship and that you think marriage counseling would help. A counselor will give you specific things to do that will be much better advice than you can get here. If she balks at this, or really doesn't seem interesting in putting any of the advice in to practice, then I would seriously start worrying.

At that point, you need to think long and hard about what you are going to do if she is actually cheating on you, or even if you want to know, i.e. you live this way for the sake of the kids or whatever. Her reaction to being confronted with evidence (or even suspicion) may be to end the marriage, so you need to be ready for that. I'd get a residue kit. Since you're househusband, you should have unfettered access to the panties. If you get a positive, see a lawyer immediately, before confronting your wife. You'll want to deal with this from a position of strength, with properly obtained evidence, etc.

Personally, to me, she sounds pretty suspicious with the tat, the sex panties, the happy houring and the "girl's weekends". Does she disappear for long periods during the day? Long lunches?