Chilling vs. Dating

[The Stranger]

Okay, so I'm not the most experienced guy with women. I've had one significant relationship. It was for two years, and it wasn't very healthy. I had a few half-assed attempts since then, but basically gave up on the whole idea.

I work a lot of hours, and I am heavily involved in local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. Dating/sex life has been a very low priority for me.

But then this girl came into our meetings. She is a very attractive young lady, who just came back from travelling the country following around music festivals and I guess just generally being a hippy.

She actually gravitated towards me and we have been hanging out quite a bit. I'm 25 with about three years sober, and she's 20, with about a month sober. The reason I mention this is because people newly sober tend to be emotionally unstable, as their minds and bodies are going through a lot of changes. She has said that she wants to wait to get into a relationship until she is healthier.

But in the meantime, so far we have gone out for coffee and or dinner after the meetings several times. She has been over to my house twice to watch movies and sit in the hot tub. She came to my 4th of July BBQ, and we were playing around with the neighbor kids in the grass. We've both met each other's parents. This Sunday I have field level seats for the Dodgers/Giants game for us to go to. I have a reputation I guess for being a "safe/non-preditor" guy as far as AA people go. She seems really comfortable hanging out with me and talking with me. There is a lot of friendly touching going on, but I haven't kissed her or anything yet. This all being in the last three weeks.

My parents and best friend say we're dating. I say we're hanging out. My friends treat us like a couple when we're together. I told her, "I don't think there's a need to label this." Her response was, "I'm really glad you said that."

Has anybody had a romantic relationship that began like this?

Does it sound like I need to make a move before I get put on friend status and lose any opportunity I might have?

Should I do my best to be her friend and let whatever happens happen?

It feels like 8th grade again.


BTW. Please don't tell me to SIIHP. It's too big.

[DMBFan23]

let me preface this by saying that I can only infer things from what you've typed here, so I can't guarantee accuracy or anything...

It sounds like she needs a friend/confidant/supporter right now, and she thinks of you as that person. whether that's as friend or more, I'm not sure, girls can go either way...sometimes the protector thing is endearing, sometimes it's more older brother-ish.

it sounds like there's some sort of something there though, cause she has mentioned she wants to wait to get in a relationship, and she doesn't want to be labeled, and etc, at least not yet.

My read: she would be into dating you if now were the time for her to be dating people, and she may be attracted, but is unsure of a lot of things right now. Whenever I want to be more than friends with someone, it comes out eventually, for better or worse. If you need to be 'dating' her, you should think about how much you like this girl and whether taking the risk would be worth a significant shot of scaring her off.

If you are cool with the lack of a label, then you can give her a backrub in the hot tub or something and see if it turns into more, without pushing it too hard. sounds like this is a pretty delicate situation, and you've probably come to value the friendship more than you think. but not enough to not want to something something something pooper.

[cpitt398]

She probably thnks your gay. If you were in a hot tub together and nothing happened , its way too late

[IndieMatty]

Once a friend always a friend. Sad but true.

[bernie]

When harry met sally.

If she wasn't in recovery, I'd say you would be dating her, if only because you're not persuing anyone else and your focus is on her. Either that or you'd be hiding from dating anyone by using her as an extra excuse not to try for anyone else. However, recovery is a little more touchy of a spot to be in (her side, not yours). I'll give that it is a little different situation due to the factors involved. But then, you are only 25, and 3 years sober. That's awful young to have 'given up on the whole idea', don't ya think?

Doubt if she would've met my parents though. Unless it was by accident. But even then, it's a little different given the situation. However, given that you are putting in that much time with her...(unless you're mentoring/sponsoring her in some way)

The real test will be when/if one of you do actually meet someone that you want it to be considered 'dating'. You are emotionally bonding the way a couple does minus the sex.

[ QUOTE ]
My friends treat us like a couple when we're together.

[/ QUOTE ]

You're friends know you better than any of us. Listen to them, take a step back, and look at it from their view.

[ QUOTE ]
Has anybody had a romantic relationship that began like this?

Does it sound like I need to make a move before I get put on friend status and lose any opportunity I might have?


[/ QUOTE ]

hmm...seems like you've thought about this as a possibility of more than just a friendship at one time or another. You could always just ask her where she is in her recovery as far as being healthy enough to date someone. You can frame that as a general question so it doesn't seem like you're the one actually really wanting the answer.

[ QUOTE ]
Should I do my best to be her friend and let whatever happens happen?


[/ QUOTE ]

You have to be careful since she is in recovery, transference can be a dangerous thing. I'd put her recovery ahead of anything at the moment as far as you 2 are concerned. This type of chick you may have to wait a bit for stuff to stabalize, as you mentioned.


b

[MikeL05]

[ QUOTE ]
Once a friend always a friend. Sad but true.

[/ QUOTE ]

Except not at all. I had a friend for a year before anything happened. There were about 3 months of some friends-with-benefits type stuff, and then about 6 months of dating. GREAT experience. Now we're barely friends. But I think dating was the right thing to do.

As someone with a bit of a counseling background, I'd say a relationship with this person is sort of violating the therapist-patient ethical code. I know you're not specifically her therapist, but in a sense you are. In AA meetings, as in any group therapy type of thing, every participant is in part a therapist to every other participant. And one of the first rules of group therapy is to try to avoid a sexual relationship with other members and/or the leader.

I can't tell you what to do, but I think you're playing with fire big time.

[Michael Davis]

"In AA meetings, as in any group therapy type of thing, every participant is in part a therapist to every other participant."

AA meetings are practically dating services.

-Michael

[The Stranger]

A 12-step program and group therapy are not the same thing.

The entertainment industry confuses the two frequently.

[Peca277]

[ QUOTE ]
BTW. Please don't tell me to SIIHP. It's too big.

[/ QUOTE ]

Man, if her pooper is that big I can understand why you didn't want to put a label on the relationship. [img]/images/graemlins/wink.gif[/img]

Good luck, btw.

[turnipmonster]

not always true. I was friends with my wife for about a year before we got together.