Feelings of guilt re: family

[darydarling]

Okay so you know the back story.
I'm 39 years old, have been raising my 2 nieces on and off for going on 12 years now.
Even when they did not live with me I provided a lot of financial support.
Now I have missed out on a lot of opportunities because of this, have found myself stuck in jobs I hated in order to provide them the best possible life I could.
One is now 18 and in nursing school, the other is 13. Their mother, my sister is disabled and does not work and their father is pretty much non-existent in their lives, forget child support.
My sister does recieve disability payments, and once both nieces are old enough and out on their own could probably support herself by living in subsidized housing.
Long story short.
I've spent the last 3+ years working 7 days a week, 12-16 hours a day not having much if any life outside of work, which I owned my own business and worked out of my home.
Even when I found free time I spent most of that time with my family. Watching movies, going out to eat, etc..etc.
I now work for a company, however still out of my own home * internet related* but my hours are pretty much 9-5.
I now have free time to play poker and have been taking advantage of that.
The downside is I get pains of guilt when spending too much time playing...and by too much time it may mean all night Friday, all night Saturday and maybe some Sunday.
Here lately what I do is maybe watch a new movie with them on Friday, leave to play around 10-11 pm then spend the rest of my time playing poker.
However I still feel guilty.
I don't play with house/bill money. I have a seperate bankroll for poker and have extra cash coming in each month on side deals that replenish any losses I might suffer etc.
But I still feel guilty when I have losses.
I'm up almost $1K in one month after only playing just a few weekends that month, and then I lose about $400 while taking some hard hits another weekend. And that's when the guilt hits harder.
I think about what I could have done with that $400. Spent it on new clothes for them, save it for a car for the 18 year old etc etc. When once again this is clearly just poker money.
Anyway, I don't know how to deal with this. I try my damndest. I guess I feel guilty because their lives are not better. I honestly don't know.
But this is the only thing I have for me at this point in my life.

Oh and Dr. Al if you respond to this..this is Cary from the wednesday group...my user name got mucked up when I registered and they won't alter it for me. [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[SpaceAce]

Well, we've talked about this before and you know my feelings on the subject. You're doing more than you have to, already. You provide them with shelter and food and clothing, you pay the bills, you manage the household. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. Something that you left out of your post is the overall lack of cooperation you get from these people you are taking care of. It's not your job to cater to their every whim. Plenty of 18-year-olds have to buy their own clothes and cars. If the guilt is self-inflicted then you need to just give yourself permission to have fun and not feel bad about it. If your family is heaping it on, ask yourself why you should let it bother you. If you've spent years working 60+ hours/week and sacrificed things in your life to take care of them but they give you grief for wanting a few hours to yourself on the weekends, they probably don't even deserve what you already give them, much less any additional consideration.

SpaceAce

[Qwijibo]

I think you're an American hero. That being said, you've provided a great service for those in need. You're not a bad person for wanting a life of your own, and poker provides that life. You're not risking the bill money, and as long as you're a good player, the $400 hits you referred to will even out over the long haul. I think you're feeling guilty because you don't want to be a martyr for the rest of your life. I say, keep up the good work.

[Zoltri]

Nothing to feel guilty about.
You are a decent person.

[mungpo]

Don't critize yourself for trying to better someone's life. Take a deep breath and do what you have always been doing, being a thoughtful and respectful person. There is no amount of money that can take those qualities away from you.

[PairTheBoard]

dary:"Anyway, I don't know how to deal with this. I try my damndest. I guess I feel guilty because their lives are not better. I honestly don't know."

SpaceAce:"Something that you left out of your post is the overall lack of cooperation you get from these people you are taking care of."


It sounds like the dominate focus in all this is what They Need From You. Maybe you should meditate a little on YOUR needs. Then communicate your feelings to them with a redirected Focus of What You Need From Them.

You might try some CODA (Codependents Annonymous) meetings. It's much easier to do what You need to do with the support of others working on similiar problems. Also some visits to a Profesional Therapist might help. You don't have to take on this task alone.

Here's a good link for symptoms of codependency.
http://www.coda.org/codapatt.html


PairTheBoard

[AKQJ10]

It's all about boundaries. I don't do a good job setting them, so I let others take advantage then push back then feel guilty for pushing back.

One day i'm gonna get around to reading this book: Boundaries

[GrunchCan]

I'm not a psychologist, priest, scholar or ethicist. I'm just a regular gomputer programmer guy. I'm not an authority on such things, so forgive me for not backing this up with empirical evidence or logical arguments. But...

[ QUOTE ]
I guess I feel guilty because their lives are not better.

[/ QUOTE ]

Thier lives are better.

Thier lives are better b/c of the financial support you've given them over the years. Thier lives are better b/c of the home you've given them. Thier lives are better b/c of the sacrifices you've made for them, the emotional support you've given them, the movies you've taken them to and the dinners you've had together. They aren't living on the street, and they have a family that loves and cares for them. That's a hell of a lot.

Not only that, but the world is better too. You've helped in a very substantial way to raise blank children in to responsible, well-meaning & contributing members of society. I've never had kids myself, but judging from how screwed up the world is, I'd say it's a damn hard job. You've also made the world better by being a role model for other regular people, like me. Even if you didn't enjoy a particular task while you were doing it, just the fact that you did it and did your best at it speaks volumes to your charater, and gives us all something to live up to.

You have a hell of a lot to be proud of, and not one thing to feel guilty for. Go play poker. You deserve it.

[Bodhi]

If you're not short on money, then a loosing streak is no reason to feel guilty. It's only if $400 seems like a lot of money that you feel bad for losing it.

Is it possible that you sometimes resent your nieces or sister or? Don't take it the wrong way, but I think it's only human to sometimes battle selfish feelings. At least, that would explain the guilt.

[USGrant]

Two ruling factors when dealing with guilt about poker and personal relationships, and you addressed both, 1) stakes/bankroll 2) time playing poker. I think you should establish with the family regular times that you will be playing poker, then stick with those times. This way, there are expectations on both sides. If you worry about how the $400 could have paid bills, then you're probably playing at stakes higher than you can tolerate. With stakes, it's as much a function of what you can psychologically tolerate to lose as it is a function of what you can actually afford to lose.