One week straight

Well,it has been a week since I quit. I am going to be moving from where I am living now back to where I came from. There are several reaons for this. My support system is better to where I am moving and because of insurance I can get better help where I am moving too.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I know now that the symptoms lie deeper than I thought. I have drug dreams and get some suicidal thoughts (nothting serious, but feelings of hopelessness.). Please if you do this crap, do whatever it takes to stop. You don't want to lose your "soul" (lack of better term).

I have been trying really hard and I feel some days are worse than others.

I also noticed that all my idols quit using drugs which is why I look up to them (I have a thing for redemption) or have died too young because of drugs. I don't want this to be me.

end of rant...

edit: Even though I make decent money, I cannot financially afford an expensive coke habit. Which only leads to one thing..which is usually crack. If that happens I might as well end my life now.

last edit: I am still suprised that more people don't do coke on here. Especially with all the money people make. It seems, at least to me, that the two would go hand in hand. One of the reasons I say this, is because there is a bit of "emptiness" of what we do. And even though I am sure there are winning players that get no rush from the action, I am also willing to bet there are winning players who get a rush (even though they win). I don't know, maybe I am just rambling.

One last question and I think I am done with this account for a while. There was a poll a couple of weeks ago asking how often people did cocaine. My question to those who answered that they did it more on a recreational basis: How? How do you manage to do it just every once in a while? I can't believe it is just a will power thing.

[bishopstrt]

You were born with unlucky biology.

It's always been known that some people have addictive personalities and some don't. I can stop drinking after 3 drinks easily but my brother-in-law can't. He'll drink and drink until he passes out. Same thing with people who are addicted to coke. I read somewhere that certain types of people are hooked the first time they try it while others find it easy to walk away from. It is evil and insidious.

[ QUOTE ]
You were born with unlucky biology.

It's always been known that some people have addictive personalities and some don't. I can stop drinking after 3 drinks easily but my brother-in-law can't. He'll drink and drink until he passes out. Same thing with people who are addicted to coke. I read somewhere that certain types of people are hooked the first time they try it while others find it easy to walk away from. It is evil and insidious.

[/ QUOTE ]

What about the possibility of being Bipolar II? I know you are not a dr., but it seems that people with major or mild manic depressive behavior have a harder time with cocaine and/or alcohol. I have had so many answers from so many doctors, that I don't know what to believe or think.

[bishopstrt]

It raises a very good question. I also know a couple people who are highly addictive personalities who I swear would fall into the bipolar category as you suggested however that is just a layman's diagnosis. I'm assuming you are very young and would benefit tremendously from getting treatment so as not to ruin the rest of your life.

A friend of my parents finally got treatment and everyone says they've noticed a big improvement in his outlook and his mood swings.

[lapoker17]

Do you go to meetings? If not, you should start. I have a lot of life experience with addicted people, and the only ones who seem to make it get involved in 12 step stuff.

When I mve next week I am going to start going to meetings. But, I am looking into some more "progressive" types of counseling/meetings. I am not at rock bottom and I don't necessarily agree with all the 12 steps. There are other options out there by profit and non profit groups alike that I am looking into. But, I agree, meetings are very important.

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
When I mve next week I am going to start going to meetings. But, I am looking into some more "progressive" types of counseling/meetings. I am not at rock bottom and I don't necessarily agree with all the 12 steps. There are other options out there by profit and non profit groups alike that I am looking into. But, I agree, meetings are very important.

[/ QUOTE ]

I have had a few friends get heavily involved in cocaine and crack (the later was the worst). None of them really had anything in common except for the addiction. But, their reasons were all different. Only one of my 5 junky friends did not make it. And he killed himself (not trying to scare you...just giving you something to think about). I believe that you are at a "crossroad" right now and could go either way. I think some form of help, other than once a week at a shrink is necessary.

I also read your other posts about this subject and it seems that you are using more than other people do in such a short period of time. So, I am going to ask you something personal. And you don't have to answer here. Just something to think about it: Do you want to live? Because if you are just trying to kill yourself by using cocaine, there is no hope in you stopping. But, if you have one ounce of life left, I think you will be okay. Just remember if something happens to you, it won't just be you affected, but your friend's and family. In fact, you really screw everybody but yourself (unless you believe in heaven and hell). I also think you should be open and honest with all the close people in your life. I think that is part of "coming clean". You will scare them, but you will help yourself.

craig

When time comes to claim me my friends and my family will gather around my grave. They'll believe that they knew me and loved me and missed me and all call me by my name--Connor Oberst

[Lazymeatball]

What are some good coke movies?
I like how in Goodfellas everything is going fine until all the coke, same goes for Boogie Nights. I've never seen Blow, but I imagine that qualifies too.

[craig r]

[ QUOTE ]
What are some good coke movies?
I like how in Goodfellas everything is going fine until all the coke, same goes for Boogie Nights. I've never seen Blow, but I imagine that qualifies too.

[/ QUOTE ]

Casino (Pesci's character is in pretty good control until the coke comes in, maria full of grace, high roller (well the movie sucked), malcolm x (even though he quits..but it kind of shows the other side of coming clean, unlike the other movies), rules of attraction (i remember a few coke scenes with those rich kids). That is all I can think of now. You should definitely see Blow. There are some stupid parts, but overall a good movie; oh also Requiem for a Dream (I can't remember if it was about heroin or coke, but the whole movie is about addiction(s)).

craig