Utterly embarrassing and honest confessions of a 1 year pro

[TStoneMBD]

Well, 7 days ago was my 1 year anniversay in which I turned pro. I have no regrets about my career choice. I am finally performing as well in poker as I thought I should have for a long time. It's a relief. For quite a few months when I first turned pro, I was barely covering my expenses. My networth was a joke.

As most of you know, I was playing full time low limits at Turning Stone up until the beginning of this year. I studied the mid-high stakes forum close to 30 hours a week for a long time, and finally took a jump into the 10/20 game and progressed into 20/40 with a marginally adaquate roll. I finally decided I was good enough to take a stab at online play after having a bad month playing live. I was skeptical that I could do better online as the games were tougher at similiar limits and I wasn't sure if I would be able to multitable small stakes profitably.

I decided not to dive into high stakes as I didn't want to hit any downswings. I just came off a losing month for the first time and I was understandably stressed out. I bought a UXGA monitor and hopped into 4 tabling 3/6 with a $1000 deposit. I hit a 100BB downswing my first night playing and was almost about to throw my monitor out the window. I decided I'd play out the remaining $400 and put internet poker on hold for a while if I had lost my remaining deposit.

To my chagrin, I suddenly went on a tremendous tear. I recovered my losses and started turning large profits. I quickly bought a second monitor and bumped my game to 8 tables.

I soon made a brag post in small stakes with my fantastic winrate after I had reached a fairly significant sample size. My post may have helped some of the players there but it was more for my benefit as I wanted respect and attention childishly. Truthfully, the respect that I wanted was mainly because I wanted people to respond to my posts, especially from the players who's advice I could count on the most. I also wanted people to start listening to what I had to say, because I knew that I had ideas to contribute to the community that many other people didn't have. For a long time I wanted respect. I was dedicated to become the best and worked hard on my game and my ego started to kick in. I have been saying for almost a year now that "there is no room for ego in poker" and I had fallen victim to my own statement. I'm sorry for that.

I moved to 5/10 and things were great. I had finally reached a level that I had always wished of. For years I was in awe of people playing games like 50/100 and couldn't fathom sitting in a game like that myself. It was kind of a dream of mine. I have now played 50/100 before but now I don't even bother as it's hardly worth my time in a short-term financial scope. I also wouldn't sit in a 50/100 game online as I would probably be the favorite to lose the money and it's probably not even worth my time if I was the favorite unless I was multitabling it, which I certainly am not good enough to do.

Since I have reached a level that I always wanted to, it's pretty fulfilling. It feels good, but my passion for the game is deteriorating. Poker loses its excitement when you've spent every waking hour of a year practicing it. It's no longer a game. It's what I do. That's not really a good thing either. I'm content with my level as a poker player for the time being, which is good for my level of happiness but not good for my development. As a result, my ego is starting to fade as I am finding contentment in life and realizing that despite performing well, maybe I am not as good as I think I am or want to be. There are many players on these forums who are better poker players than I am, and maybe better than I could ever dream to be and they receive less notice than I do because they don't stick their noses out seeking attention. I now have great respect for these posters.

I rarely read strategic posts anymore and hardly spend the time on these forums that I used to. Many would say that this is a good thing, but I don't feel that way. I now usually spend my time on twoplustwo by posting one liners. The one liners usually consist of me correcting people, putting people down, making humorous posts that may be insulting to someone else, or if I'm feeling kind I may just post something strategic. It is posters like the very one that I have become that have irritated me in the past, and I apologize for that. I'm clearing my guilty conscience and I'm going to stop trying to be so brutally honest if my post may offend someone. That is not how I should be returning my appreciation to these forums and that is not how a veteran poster examples what this forum is all about. I have always felt that brutal honesty was important for development, but in many cases it's not and it can be a large deterrent when that honesty is spoken in a negative form. Many of my posts are brutally honest in expense of myself because I feel that I am helping somebody despite making my public image here look bad.

I recently moved out of my crummy place and into a really beautiful apartment nearly 7 hours away. I've been here for a month and don't know anyone around this area. I'm having trouble making friends being indoors all the time and not knowing where I can go to meet people. I'm not old enough to go to bars and don't have a job so my options are limited. I'm probably happier than I've ever been but things are starting to get boring. The thought of success used to keep me going but not so much anymore. I end up sleeping 10-12 hours a day just because I'd have nothing better to do if I woke up earlier. I may be happy, but that is depressing. Building new friendships was never a very enjoyable experience to me. I appreciate deep friendships and have had a few of them in the past, but it takes a long time to develop those friendships. I don't even know how long I will be staying in this location so it may be a while until I can build relationships like that again. I guess I should give it a try though because you never know who you will meet and it isn't healthy to be as socially inactive as I have recently become.

I bought a treadmill last week and have been running a mile every day. It really feels great and I've noticed an immediate progress in my stamina during the run. I've become physically pathetic. It takes me 16 minutes to run a mile. I should really be joining a gym for social and physical purposes, but its embarrassing to be exercising around people when running a mile exhausts you. When my stamina builds up I want to join a tennis/racquetball club. I'm determined to not lose interest in using this treadmill. In an effort to progress my physical health, I'm slowly increasing my required amount of distance to run daily. I'd like to get to a point where I run at least 3 miles a session daily, or sprint a mile in under 7 minutes at least once a day. Obviously I have a long way to go for this to happen. I'm hoping that running becomes my new addiction as I am very much oriented to perfection once I set my mind on something.

There is pride when you become successful at something. It's nice to see yourself accomplishing goals and progressing in life. However, it's hard for me to be proud of myself as a poker player for a long time. So what if I can calculate pot equity? It's all pretty arbitrary. The nice thing about poker is that it has increased my level of understanding on so many other subjects in a way that I will never comprehend. Poker has made me grow as a person. Eventually when I decide to move into a different field in my lifetime, I know that poker will have given me skills and abilities that I would have never possessed had I never dedicated myself to this game.

Maybe it's not just poker that has made me this way. Maybe it is the fact that I was so dedicated to something and was mentally alert at all times. My uncle, a person who I would consider to be very wise at times, has said that once you begin to study something in life, anything, with all your ability, that your brain will operate and open up in ways that it never has before. Maybe he is right.

My content in life is dwindling as my devotion to improving with poker is starting to fade. I don't know how I'm going to find happiness in the longevity of life, but I know it won't be through sitting in my house on my computer all day. I'm a very wishywashy person. My interests in things change all the time. I don't think I could ever be satisfied dedicating myself to one thing my entire life. I'm an explorer and love to learn new things. Playing poker for 30 hours a week could be a very good life for me, but there needs to be something else at the core. Some sort of passion that I can love. I just need to find it.

[sam h]

That was probably a difficult post to write. I'm impressed that you did.

Here is a question: You can play on the internet anywhere. Why not move to a place where you have friends or will have an easier time developing a more extensive social life? You say that you are happier now than ever, but I'm sure things could improve. Why not set yourself a set of goals and attach them to a moving plan, something like "I'm going to make xxx thousand dollars and I'm going to get in serious shape by xxxx date and then I'm going to move to New York or Philly or wherever"

[steaknshake925]

hey dude, you are one of my favorite posters here. i like ur posts in HUSH and admire ur professional attitude toward poker. you seem like a really nice guy, keep going strong!

also, my impression is u 8-table 5/10 6max for a living? why not hop up to 10/20 and play fewer tables, im sure that'll help with the burnout factor.

[TStoneMBD]

i moved up to 10/20 yesterday, hit a 70BB upswing in a couple of hours and am currently on a little over a 120BB downswing since then so i think i will be moving back down tommorow unless things take a turn for the good tonight. thank you for the compliment though.

[stankybank]

Good post. It must've took a lot of energy and guts to post that on here. Real honesty. Anyhow, I just want to say that from the outside looking in, or reading in, it seems as though you're unhappy with your life. I think a lot of that has to do with poker but that's probably not entirely the reason. One thing I want to say is that maybe you shouldn't have moved to a place where you don't know anybody if you weren't ready. It takes a real social person to go out to the middle of a town where you don't know anyone and start to make friends and introduce yourself to people. Unless you join some group or something, people aren't really gonna give a rats ass about you. Nothing personal of course. It's like that for everybody. People just don't want to waste their time walking up to strangers and saying, "Oh, you look new here, what's your name?"

I suggest you move to a place where you have some friends around. Get a roommate with one of your poker friends if you can, or someone you feel close to so that it's not awkward w/ a total stranger when he/she sees you playing online poker 24/7. If you have family, perhaps staying w/ them for 6 months or so can help you make a better decision than you might make living by yourself in an isolated place. Online poker can be very isolating and you might start to find that your social skills are rotting away.

Anyhow, I'm rambling now and sounding like a preach so I'll just wish you the best of luck and find your true passion, whatever it is, and chase it. Life's too short to do otherwise.

As a fellow-just-turned-pro-who-wants-to-give-you-props-for-your-post,

stanky

[jstewsmole]

I dont know if i could write something like that myself so i give props. Great Post.

If i played professionaly i think id have to play live quite a bit just for that human interaction and just to get out of the house as well.

Even though ur playing well and making it, I think its even more important to have great friends or some kind of social life.

I hope u have continued success and u find happiness in whatever u do.

[TStoneMBD]

i signed a 1 year lease last month so i dont think moving somewhere is possible right now. i really do like it here though and im not as socially needy as most people are so im not dissapointed with my choice of location.

[einbert]

Great post man, you have my total respect for one.

Burnout is of course a huge factor for us. I was burning out big time until recently. What I have done is adopted a strategy of only playing four tables instead of the eight I used to in order to really spend more effort working on my game instead of just 'doing' poker. I have also adopted an aggressive strategy for moving up limits (I'm now moving up whenever I have 600BB for the next level, moving back down if I get down to 500BB for the current level). I know you seem to be pretty risk averse but I would reccomend trying something similar (maybe move up at 1000BB, move down at 900BB).

Great to hear that the exercise thing is working out for you, I should be doing that myself.

[yoadrians]

There are so many things here to look at, and yes, you do sound unhappy. But let's focus on the positive:

- Your poker game has improved dramatically, and you're making a living playing cards. That's awesome - dude, people would KILL to make a living playing cards. Seriously. Good for you.

- You had the courage to admit to yourself that you were physically unfit, and so you went out, bought a treadmill and now run a mile a day. It's not easy to admit that to yourself - heck, as a former college soccer player, I had ballooned up to about 275 a few years ago. I finally looked myself in the mirror, broke the mirror, and started running a mile a day. At the time, it was painful and I would've rather swallowed my own vomit than run. Today, I run half-marathons and 10Ks frequently. Keep it up! The hardest thing to do is start running ... soon, if you make a point to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY, the hardest thing for you will be to NOT run every day. It's addicting, especially when you begin to see results. Here's a goal for you: Run in a community 5K event by Sept. 1. Three months is enough time to get in shape for a 5K. You can do it ... and, it will give you something to do in your new community. Speaking of which ...

- You had the courage to try something new and moved away to another town 7 hours away. Dude, that takes guts. And since it's hard to meet people, my advice is this: Get a job. Seriously. Wait tables at a restaurant for lunch. Tend bar during happy hour somewhere. Work afternoons at a movie theater. Get a 20-hour a week job at a grocery store. This will solve two of your problems:

1) You will meet people in this new town and begin to build relationships and, thus, begin having things to do other than play poker.
2) Your love of the game of poker will be restored, as now it's not the 'only' thing in your life ... and you'll know what it's like to grind it out in the real world.

In conclusion, you sound real down. But seriously, man, focus on the positive. You are a risk-taker, you have courage, and you are successful at what you do.

It's easy to get down on yourself. But think about all you've done so far, continue to set goals for yourself, and keep us posted on how things go.

[SA125]

[ QUOTE ]
I'm not old enough to go to bars and ..

[/ QUOTE ]

You're not even 21?

[ QUOTE ]
I've become physically pathetic. It takes me 16 minutes to run a mile. I should really be joining a gym for social and physical purposes, but its embarrassing to be exercising around people when running a mile exhausts you.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ironic point. I'm in the Borgata the other day. It's my second time there, but first time settling in for serious table time. A very friendly, young obese guy at the table has everybody in knots because he's playing stupidly and doing great. Some guys have quit the game because of him.

I'm sitting there thinking two things. One is that, as far as girls, good times and general bs goes, I'm sure life was much better to me at that age than it was for him. He looks like he has much more luck in poker than I've had, but I'm sure he'd trade half of it if he could for the other bennies I've got my share of. Second is, for a man that age, that's no way to look. If you don't look good in your early to late 20's, you never will. Get in shape. No debate. Get off your fat ass and get in shape.