A Plausible Solution (x-posted from science forum)

[cnfuzzd]

To mend the rift between believers and non-believers, science and religion, and logic and women, i am starting my own religion. We are starting with this creation myth, but soon i will reveal more as i see fit to enlighten my people.

translated from the dutch

This is my truth as given unto my prophet, to be spread to the people, who hunger for the sweet release of truth. I have neglected my children. They have wandered far and gone astray. It is time for the Shepherd to bring in the flock. Take these words, and use them to inspire your life, to take on new challenges and discover compelling truths about yourself. Do not let yours fears and earthly wants destroy your Souls ultimate purpose. Herein are the ways to enlightenment, take these seeds and plant them far and wide. Spread the Word, so that all may find Happiness and the Kingdom of Heaven may reign on Earth.

In the begining was boris. And a guy a lot like boris. Except he had a little more hair and a much bigger drinking problem. That was God. A lot like boris though.

God noticed the Void that existed in its lack of existence, and wept for its formlessness. Out of these great tears arose the mighty oceans, which froth and swirl with the turmoil that plagues God. Then God noticed the oceans, and decieded that what he really needed was a day at the beach. So God lifted his mighty hand, and brought forth the lands out of the oceans. God then made the Sun and the Stars, for to improve his game. God chose for Himself a nice secluded beach, and watched the oceans beat majestically upon the shores, and the Sun set magnificently upon the seas.

In the begining, there was God, upon his beach house. God was feeling a little tipsy (God and Whisky are virtually the same thing, and thus Whiskey has been around virtually forever), and begin to notice the barren lands. Where was there something to break the monotony. Then God, in His infinite Omniscience, thought of a being, something which could share this bountiful earth, and which God could [censored] with. The Heavens shook, and behold, God hath created the Tapir:






Now God and the Tapir were best of chums. They would frolick and play for days on end. However, the Tapir then began to seek for more. He wanted further playmates. He wanted to be the one who could [censored] with some one else. So the Tapir pleaded unto God "Please sir, make another creature for this world." And God relented, making the Duck-billed Platypus. And the Tapir was content.

All was not well with God however. God grew jealous of the Platypus. God began to fear the Tapir, thinking one day the Tapir might turn on him. Namely, God began to drank. Heavily. The first episode of turmoil arose when God, thinking to anger the Tapir, started to make new, different animals. However, due to his habitual intoxication, his creativity was stunted, and each animal was even less interesting than the one before it, and God quickly lost interest. The world was now teaming with life, most of it v. boring. God returned to heaven.

There came a time when God and boris were drinking, in a bar. In heaven. God, who was rather drunk, was pontificating about the evils of the Tapir, and how the Tapir was a faithless friend and a betrayer of trust. Boris, who knew God felt very deeply about this tried to console God. "Well, why dont you try to get that [censored] Tapir back?" God, who had spent many a night contemplating this exact thought, exclaimed with passion "BUT WHAT CAN I DO!?!" The fate of the world tettered in the balance. Then boris spoke "Well, you are God, aren't you?"

God looked up from his collection of unused limes. His face showed wroth and anger. He flew from the bar (not paying) and went down to Earth. God gathered his divine strength, and cried to the Creatures "I WILL PUNISH YOUR WICKEDNESS! I will bring forth a beast so vile and destructive, it will make an art out of destroying this paradise. It will spread through out the world, like a virus, consuming the earth, the water, the plants, AND YOU." God, reached into his pocket, grabbed a couple of bar olives, and threw them on the ground. He waved his hands, and two creatures began to form at his feet. Man and Woman. When they, being fully formed, looked into the eyes of God, God said to them " Go [censored] that bitch up!" Then God returned to Heaven, with a cry of "Whats your platypus going to do now? HUH!?!"

And Man rose up, and began to spread. At first, all was fine, and Man appeared tranquil with the Beasts. Then God's punishment blossomed.Man began to till into the Earth, and hue the tree. Vast fields were cut down and turned into bars and casinos. Lakes were emptied to make way for highways and porno magazines. All the land was razed with the poison of man.

But no part of nature was affected more than the Beasts. Yoked to the plow, the animals did mans work. Forced to perform, they entertained him. Worst of all, They fed his hungers. Wether batter dipped and deeped fried, or boiled while still alive, Man everywhere feed on animals. For God had wrought well, and Man performed his duty. The World was cast in a haze of Despair and Shame.

God would not forsake his people though. Soon, the divine retribution of Hangover will pass, and a new day will arise, a day of On The Wagon. When God returns to us, he will see that we, his chosen people, have lived life according to His Principles. We have done his work, and He will reward us for it. Someday, this land will be set right by God, and all will live through the Time of The Weekdays in bliss. Amen.


peace

john nickle

[PoBoy321]

tl;dr, but that's one funny lookin animal.

[B Dids]

How the [censored] did this get ignored. Read right [censored] now or die.

And die for using tl;dr on a post of this magnitude.

[Alobar]

I didnt read past the line where you are starting your own religion, because like any good religious follower, i choose to let you my leader do all the thinking for me, so count me in!

[tpir90036]

Beware of tapirs... they sometimes eat people's dreams.

[Yako]

tpir,

Your name looks suspiciously like tapir. Are you here to steal our dreams?

Inquisitively,
Yako

[B Dids]

You're close, but not exactly correct.

[Boris]

Nice. I just had a drink with God. He says sponger will continue to run bad. for long, long time. I said who cares?

[Boris]

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tl;dr

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?? what does this mean?

[Georgia Avenue]

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tl;dr

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?? what does this mean?

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(I'm) Too Lame; (so I) Didn't Read (that brilliant junx)