Year-end look back on poker and life - extremely long. Make popcorn.

[teddyFBI]

I don't typically waste forum space with articles that I've written for my blog, but I spent quite a while on this one, and thought that I'd like to give it a little wider exposure than the 50 or so people who read my blog. Didn't think it would be entirely out of place on the psychology forum. Feel free to check out rest of blog; link is in my profile.

A weeklong hiatus in posting, but I've been using it to allow some thoughts to coalesce, and I present them here. Hope it's enjoyable.

What a year. I really can't believe how far I've come as a poker player in 12 short months...in January I was nervously sweating it out at the 3/6 tables, doubting I'd ever sport the bankroll or cahones to move up to play with the big boys at 15/30 and above. But here I am barely a year older, and I comfortably multitable games up to 50/100 either full or short-handed. Here are a couple year-end charts. (I only have PT stats from August onward, though.) I thought it might also be interesting to break things up into limit and NL, so what follows are two charts, one showing my LHE performance since August 1st, and the other showing NL

<CHARTS VIEWABLE IN ACTUAL BLOG -- DIDN'T FEEL LIKE POSTING THEM HERE>

Limit, as you might expect, looks pretty boring, not too many ups and downs, as you might expect for a guy who plays a pretty consistent strategy. The NL chart is a tad stranger, since I was barely a winner over my first 15,000 NL hands, and then it inexplicably shoots upward. Frankly, I have no idea what accounts for it. All those jagged ups and downs are a result of my employment of the short-stacked bitch strategy that typically involves me doubling up or busting out on every hand I'm significantly involved in.

While I've written about it in fits and spurts through various posts, the biggest transformation that I've undergone this year has been how I feel about money and happiness, and how the two interact. Money: I have it for the first time in my life -- most of my college friends still sweat out 70 hour weeks at the investment banks they've worked at for 5 years, and make a good salary doing so, which is why I'm sheepish -- almost embarassed -- that I make more than any of them playing part-time poker. But at the end of the day, poker is simply not the answer, nor any kind of end in itself, as I once held it out to be. I remember when I first left law school to play full time, I marveled at the fact that it was conceivable to earn $80 to $100 thousand playing poker of all things, and thought I'd really hit upon a holy grail: a pastime that I actually enjoyed that would pay me a modest income. Ironic that now that I've moved up stakes and that the potential income is actually exponentially higher, I've actually come to realize that poker isn't any kind of answer to life's big questions. I may "have" money, but just how vulgar is it to allow a decimal point on a computer screen to be the ultimate judge of whether you're living a fulfilling life?

I've been overwhelmed of late with reminders of life's frailty. I bought an acclaimed WWII documentary on DVD called The World At War, because even though the war had touched my family personally, I really didn't know much about it. The documentary is a collection of 26 1-hour episodes that I believe originally aired on the Discovery Channel, and each is devoted to pivotal battles of the War, or other aspects of the Nazi war machine and concentration camps. Isn't it simply stunning that something like that could happen, and barely 50 years ago?!?? Each episode contains incredible video footage of the war, and while it's all tastefully done and for the most part avoids gory death scenes, the imagery is unmistakably powerful. Hundreds of seamen jumping into a frigid Atlantic as their vessel is sunk by a German U-Boat. Tanks rolling by dozens of rotting bodies in the North African desert. Battlefields so carpeted with corpses that one could literally walk for miles stepping on nothing but dead bodies. SS guards running concentration camp prisoners 6 at a time to kneel in a ditch on top of other dead bodies as they are shot, while hundreds of others wait in a truck, watching, and knowing that their turn is next, and that they have only minutes of life remaining. 250,000 Russians killed within 2 months. German soldiers marching into French towns, rounding up all the men and killing them, then raping the women, and killing them too. Who were all these people? Where did they go? Were they not all at one the pride and joy of their parents, subject of baby photos, and takers of piano lessons? Grade schoolers getting into mischief during recess, and studying math and foreign languages? And now they're gone, wiped out hundreds of thousands at a time.

So why do I bring this up? (As an aside, when I started this blog, I certainly don't think I ever contemplated that I'd be discussing WWII atrocities.) Because these types of reminders of how fleeting life is for all of us -- not just victims of war -- really brings into focus what life's big questions really are. What is it that you want to spend 40 years of your adult life doing that will bring you satisfaction and fullfilment? With whom do you want to spend it, share love, and raise children? Make no mistake about it, poker has been an incredible blessing so far, but in the year I've devoted to it, I've come to the realization that there will come a time, maybe sooner than I think, when the sun will set on this phase of my life, and it will be time to throw myself into a new passion. Some people have asked me where I see myself as a poker player in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years. The answer is that I just don't know, but I think it entirely possible that I will have more or less stopped playing altogether, not because I couldn't continue successfully, but simply because there's a limit to how much of my short time here I want to spend betting, raising, and folding.

What is even more ironic is that I've actually reached a point that, if you had asked me last Fall when I left law school, I would have told you is exactly where I would have wanted to be in one year's time. And it feels great to have achieved that goal, but I feel somewhat like a mountain climber who has scaled what he believed to be the tallest peak in a mountain range, only to reach the top and see a peak 5 times higher than the one he now stands atop. To take that analogy a little bit further, I suppose I can plant a flag here at this intermediate peak, but I know I've got to continue on to bigger and better things. This is hardly the end of my poker career, even though I'm sure I'm making it sound like it, but it's a realization that, having immersed myself in all things poker for the last year, there are several other fish in my life that need frying. A year ago, I imagined a life playing high-stakes poker would be irresistably sexy: money, freedom, and world travel. And it has brought me some of those things, but also raised several even more important questions about my life that I've written about here and in previous posts. So what's next for me? I hate to sound boring, or destroy the image that people may have of a care-free poker-playing lifestyle, but you know what: I'll probably get a job! There's something, in fact a lot, to be said for finding a passionate pursuit in life that doesn't involve 2 hole cards, a flop, turn, and river. Not just any old job, of course -- I think my poker travails to date have precluded me from ever accepting employment as a mindless office drone. Look at what just happened to Jeff Reardon: All-Star closer who pitched for 16 years, saw two World Series, and made $2 Million / year at the height of his career. And now his mugshot is all over the internet after he was arrested the other day for robbing a jewlery store. It's so easy to wonder how someone who seemed to have the world in the palm of his hand could have fallen to such lows. But it's just another reminder that life does indeed go on after the fame and bright lights have dimmed (or once the poker fad has declined, in my case), and I think that everyone needs to develop not just a single dominant attribute, no matter how good you may be, but rather we are better served by building a broad foundation of life skills and experiences that will fulfill us not only in the present, but as we drift into old age. Here, at the age of 26, I'm not quite sure I am in any better position to tell you what life pursuit calls out to me loudest than I was at 21, fresh out of college. But, as I have written before, the greatest benefit that this year of poker has conferred upon me, is that there ARE life pursuits out there that provide daily excitement and fulfillment, even if they might at first seem non-traditional. I guess at the end of the day, this is a bit of a Ron Livingston from Office Space-style revelation that we are only here for a short time and not mean to spend that time letting our brains rot in a grey office cubicle. Nor multi-tabling behind dual Dell monitors. Happy new year, and I'll be back in 2006.

[odellthurman]

You don't have to define yourself by your job. And you can undertake many "passionate pursuits" without making them your source of income.

Great post. You echo my sentiments to a tee. I've also come a long way this year, from being a breakeven player at $.5-$1 NL in March to being a winning player at $10-$25 NL. Somewhere along the way a hobby turned into an occupation. Looking back, I have a sense of accomplishment for how far I've come, but at the same time I feel empty. If I can make thousands playing poker, surely there's other things I can pursue that I will be successful at. I don't feel like I'm making anyone's life better playing poker; the philanthropist inside me cannot be alleviated, no matter how hard I reason with myself. Maybe I'll start giving a portion of my winnings to charity, I don't know. Having a soul is a b*tch.

[mosquito]

Nice post. Thanks for the read, it makes one think.

[ QUOTE ]
You don't have to define yourself by your job. And you can undertake many "passionate pursuits" without making them your source of income.

[/ QUOTE ]

Coach Little League.

Teach someone to read.

Spend time with your Grandparents.

Travel the world.

Play the guitar.

Make love in a Hammock.

Enjoy the fact that you can make a good living doing something that doesn't actively piss you off or have a chance of killing you.

"You are not your job!"

-Jobless23 (bodog 5/10nl players know)

[MarkSummers]

Great post Teddy. I'm only 21 and I haven't made quite as much cash as you have over the last year but I've had pretty astounding results considering the $50 I put into Empire in May of 2004. Sometimes it still seems weird that you can make money playing cards from your computer.

Anyway, I was doing bad in school one year ago and I thought I wanted to drop out and play poker (Good thing I didn't, i was only playing 2/4 and 3/6 back then) but I still thought poker was the greatest thing ever just one year ago. Now, I'm one semester away from graduating and I have no clue what I'm going to do except that poker isn't the answer in the long term. Although it's good to know that poker will probably be there if I need it for a few months at a time.

There comes a point in time where you realize that there is more than just earning some money playing cards. Life isn't easy but, unfortunately, this fact isn't easy to recognize.

Similar to your WWII documentary that I have never seen, I remember watching the Band of Brothers on DVD during the spring. I will never forget the one where they find the concentration camp. It kind of puts worrying about your bankroll and winrate in perspective. It's hard to see this though because most of us have lived reasonably well in the US for our entire lives. Not everyone has this luxury that we sometimes take for granted.

I think the most important thing with poker is keeping it in perspective. I will often enthusiastically tell my roomates or friends how awesome or terrible I am doing in poker and I make it seem like it's the most important thing ever. Most of the time they tell me, "If you're not going to give me any of that money, I really don't care. Get a life, dude." It just makes me realize that poker isn't really that important. The advise from your non-poker playing friends can be very useful.

Finally, if you haven't seen Lost in Translation, I would recommend it. It has nothing to do with poker, but it will definitely make you think about poker or and the role it plays in your life.

[Ray_bob]

hey loved the post. really made me think. however you are fresh out of college and im not sure if you've worked a crap job for 40-60 hours a week. i am currently playing the lower limits and dreaming about getting to where you are today. So in a way i feel that since you have shown me the darker side of being a proffesional player, that i need to tell you that working a regular job is no noble thing. Also it is extremly difficult to find something you love to do and make good money doing it. so i say ride out poker as long as you can. see the world meet interesting people and live life to the fullest.

-Ray

[Songwind]

How much time are you spending playing poker? You refer to it early in the post as "part-time" but later on your choice of words makes it seem that you feel you're missing out on life in order to play poker.

If you really are playing part-time, then I doubt you'll find a job you enjoy more that lets you get more out of life. Most will probably require twice as much of your time.

You make a lot of very good points, though. Thanks a lot for sharing.

[4thstreetpete]

Teddy I've been following your blog for a while now and enjoyed it immensely partly because I feel we do have a similar outlook in life. I especially loved your reasoning when you first decided to quit law school to play poker. Most thought it was a terrible idea (including myself somewhat) but you articulated your reasons quite clearly and convincingly.

I think the internet has caused many players to burn out a lot faster than they should be. The amount of hands you can get in online nowadays is quite astonishing. Thankfully I haven't burned out yet and poker has definately given me a lot to think about during the last two years. My outlook has been quite different.

I agree with what ray bob has to say. I'm not sure how many crap jobs you've worked for 4o-60 hours a week. I've had a boatload of them. From working as an office drone, business admin to IT tech support, ect..ect..

The key is to find hapiness in your life, whatever that may be. For me, it's definately not to be an office drone for 40+ hrs a week and I would've quit my current job regardless of poker or not. I'll probably be doing more investing and hopefully one day run a successful business where I could be my own boss. Time is the biggest asset we have and we should live to the fullest doing what you want to do.