Life and Death

[REL18]

I apologize beforehand for posting this topic in this section but considering I am a deeply devote 2+2 i hoped that someone from the 2+2 community could help me in any regards to the paper grammatically, pscychologically or any other possible matter, and figured that the pscychology section would be the best area for me to post this

http://www.smc.edu/admissions/Dates_Deadlines_20052.htm
http://www.moorpark.cc.ca.us/htdocs/...ummer/math.htm
August 5th, 2005

Lisa Garcia
UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSIONS
U.C.L.A.

LETTER OF APPEAL

Dear Mrs. Garcia

Enclosed, please find my Pierce College transcripts as well as my Moorpark Calculus II transcript. Attached to this letter is a schedule of Santa Monica Community College and Moorpark Community College, Summer 2005 schedules. On July 3rd 20005, I received a letter from U.C.L.A. Undergraduate Admissions Office of notification of a withdrawal of my acceptance. At this point I contacted the Admissions Office and was informed that I did not complete my required classes. On July 5th I proceeded to go to Santa Monica Community College, to incur into taking the Calculus II class, unfortunately to my dismay I was told that classes began on: 1) June 20th, 2005 for the 6 week classes and 2) June 25th for the 8 week classes. Unfortunately I was unable to take the class because the class was in its 3rd week of progress. I therefore searched for other available Calculus II classes; fortunately, Moorpark Community College had a Calculus II class available beginning July 5th. I proceeded from Santa Monica College to go to Moorpark Community College and add Calculus II. Attached is my transcript from Moorpark stating that I received the letter grade A in Calculus II. Interestingly enough in my original application sent in 2003-2004 one of the three subjects that I choose to write about, in regards to missed opportunities, was a story about a young man named Biff Loman in the novel A Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. The story concerns a man named Biff Loman who does not take a Math class and thus has both his scholarship and acceptance withdrawn, I hope that this situation does not become a real life Death of a Salesman story. Another important fact is that I have now taken the maximum allowed transferable units from a Junior College to U.C.L.A. and therefore have no other educational opportunities available for me to continue in. Hopefully after careful consideration and on the merits of my transcripts from both Pierce Community College and Moorpark I am reinstated to U.C.L.A.

Humbly and Regretfully yours,
Ariel Basch

[REL18]

Since no one responded ill rewrite it
August 5th, 2005

LISA GARCIA
UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSIONS
U.C.L.A.

LETTER OF APPEAL

Dear Mrs. Garcia :
I write this letter to explain the chain of events that lead to the late transfer of my Calculus II class record. Please reevaluate my (re) admission in view of the following.
As soon I received the conditional admission to U.C.L.A. I inquired at Santa Monica College with regard to the Calculus II class.
I was informed that Santa Monica College gives priority to its own students for general eligibility as well as class registration over students of other colleges. Once I became eligible for the Calculus II class at Santa Monica College (shortly before June 20th), I was asked to arrange the transfer of my AP Calculus I record (by the CollegeBoard, the AP organization) to prove my eligibility for Calculus II. The time frame was such that I could potentially miss a week and maybe more out of a class of six weeks. A counselor also assured me that Calculus II be it from Santa Monica College or any other junior college is acceptable. It made sense therefore to enroll in the Calculus II class at Moorpark College that began July 5th. I completed the class with the letter grade A (and not the minimum B required).
Please note that I have made every possible effort to fulfill my contractual obligations including 69 U.C. transferable units (the contractual obligation being 60) with 70 being the maximum transferable units allowed. I have no classes left to take for an entire year. I believe that my record indicates that I have the potential to do well (and better) at U.C.L.A. and if given the opportunity I have every intention of doing so.
Ironically my admission essay was about missed opportunities. The example I used was Biff Loman, one of the protagonists in Arthur Miller’s “death of a Salesman” in which Biff loses his University admission and scholarship because he misses his summer math class. I hope not to become a contemporary Biff Loman.

[MagnoliasFM]

you need something at the beginning to get their interest and get them on your side. people tend to think you're their friend if they think they've done you a favor. plus you're writing to a woman so appealing to logic is not as effective as appealing to emotion.

maybe start by saying "First off, I'd like to thank you for doing me the favor taking the time to read this. These past couple of weeks have been very troublesome, but I am confident that with your help we'll be able to straighten things out." and then go on and explain your situation. maybe you don't have to overdo it like but you get the picture. throw in something in the end about how you're depending on her or something like that.

i love the death of a salesman analogy. good luck!

btw if you can call that person and talk to them personally that would greatly increase your winning chances.

[REL18]

Thnx for the replay but i wrote two versions of that one adressed to the women and one adressed to a board of appeals readers which is what i think it goes to and i have talked to the person thnx for the support and the idea about what to add!

[REL18]

no more coments [img]/images/graemlins/frown.gif[/img]

[Al Schoonmaker]

Your story was well told with one conspicous exception. It was all one paragraph. It should be six or more.

I think the reference to Loman was excellent. It makes your letter stand out from the dozens or hundreds she gets. She might just give it some more attention than usual.

Your spelling in the letter was OK, but it was appalling in the post. Get in the habit of checking your spelling. NOTHING has a more immediate, negative impact in a written communication than bad spelling, followed closely by poor grammar.

You should use pronouns instead of repeating nouns such as "class" within a few words.

The comma after withdrawn should be a period. Almost all professional writers carefully check their punctuation before sending anything important. I guarantee you that people in acceptance offices look for sloppy punctuation.

The tense of "I am reinstated" is incorrect.

I don't normally get so specific about the wording of posts, but you asked for help.

A note to all of you. ALWAYS have someone check anything important before sending it. I make the same mistakes that I have just pointed out, and I may miss them when I reread something.

Regards,

Al

[ QUOTE ]
...plus you're writing to a woman so appealing to logic is not as effective as appealing to emotion.

[/ QUOTE ]

I know many women who excel in mathematics and computer science, and many men that can't seem to understand a concept as simple as water burning on a stove. If you must pre-judge the recepient of the letter, do so based on his or her field of study, not based on his or her gender. You will be far better off without these preconceived notions about the differences between genders.

[SittingBull]

in college. One of THE BEST TEACHERS I've ever had!
SittingBull