My GF's psycho-ex (long and bad and dramatic....stressful situation)

[MicroBob]

Hi all -

My parents occasionally read my blog so this isn't going there. Advice or ideas wanted although I have some ideas of where i'm going to go from here I guess.

Sorry this is so freaking long but I'm just venting because I'm a little freaked-out and am just going to do this before I go out and get a drink.
anyone who actually reads through all this may feel free to offer some supportive words which I will look at upon my return.

As stated previously...I'm a bit freaked-out...but am much better now than I was previously.

--------------------------------

My GF has been seperated from her husband for about 2.5 years and I've been seeing her for 2+ years. She was already seperated when we started seeing each other so I didn't steal her away or anything.
Everything was all-right...I was seperated from my ex-wife too for just a few months when we started.
We were both moving on. No biggie.


Her ex is in town and used to call my GF quite a bit. He was not taking their seperation very well although he wasn't getting TOO psycho about it. Just spurts (probably after he had been drinking) where he would call 5-10 times or something.... usually not leaving a message (because he evidently hates leaving messages for some reason).

My GF wants to get divorced but was hoping they could do it amicably and she thought that just letting it play out a bit would help him realize that she's not really his wife anymore and that his dreams of getting back together just weren't going to happen.
So she has let it drag on and on without filing the papers.

My ex and I were equally lazy about it for a different purpose. We just hadn't gotten around to it. Eventually she filed the papers and I signed them and we were fine. We still have friendly talks on the phone occasionally. We used to fight of course...but not THAT bad. It was a very amicable divorce when we finally got around to doing it (which we did in Jan and Feb).


Okay - so....the GF told her ex on voice-mail I think a couple months ago, "Ummm...are you ready to talk about the divorce at some point?" and he didn't call her back.
He hadn't been calling her for quite awhile which she took as a good sign (or at least appreciated).
An occasional call without a message every few weeks or so maybe. That was about it.


He asked her several months ago if she was seeing anyone and she said that she was indeed dating somebody so he already kinda knew about that.


Okay - in january or so he's pounding on her door and bawling or something and being all weird. Showed up out fo the blue without calling and she was VERY surprised.
As I recall, she didn't let him in. Just tried to calm him down and eventually got him to leave.
GF is 28 and her 20-year-old brother lives with her btw.

When the brother came over to live with them is when some of their problems as a couple started.
Anyway, the brother is a REALLY great kid (straight-A's in college even though his english is still improving). He likes me a lot...and hates his GF's ex.
Actually...every single one of my GF's friends really dis-liked this guy when she was seeing him. Her parents eventually warmed-up to him though.

Okay - so in that situation in january she gets him to leave.

Fast-forward to last night. I talked with my GF after she was done with work today and she tells me that the ex came over last night. He still had a key to their old house and just walked right in!! Brother thought it was someone breaking-in at first then was like, "What the hell are you doing?"
ex is really determined to straighten whatever out with her.

This is about 11:30pm I think (I had gotten a 1-ring hang-up at about the same time...which might have been him somewhere in there).
GF is a nurse and works on weekends from 7a-7p. Thus this is REALLY late for her and she would like to get some sleep.
But he's kind of hysterical and dramatic and it's a situation she has to deal with.


So...he tells her that he knows ALL ABOUT this "Bob" guy.
He even has pictures of us together!!!!
We don't know if the pics were his or were from a P.I.

I guess there were more pics...but the only ones that he showed her included us at a couple of restaurants outdoors in my general neighborhood. And also at a minor-league baseball game both inside and outside the park.

The game we went to was in early-mid April...so he's had this pics for awhile I suppose. The dinners that he had pics of would have been from about the same time as I recall.

She's kind of creeped out that he has pictures of us.

Then he mentions that he knows that she went with me to Florida and to New Orleans for her birthday.
In Florida we went to see my parents (which he probably didn't know) and we did indeed go to New Orleans for her birthday.

He seemed to know a couple other things too but that's all I recall right now.

BTW - he's about 6'3" or so. I'm a whopping 5'6".


Okay - so GF tells me about the situation last night. But it ended with him pretty much saying, "You want a divorce? Okay...I can let you have the divorce. Just send me the papers and we'll end it. I'm ready to give you the divorce now."


He left at 1 a.m. or so. Brother was ready to call the cops at some point but it didn't get QUITE that bad.
He was also ready to call the cops a few months earlier when he was banging on their door.


Some other background - GF really goes into a shell and is quiet during stressful situations. So it was probably just a situation of him talking and her nodding I imagine.

Sometime in there she might say something like, "Yes....I care deeply for you...but it's not worth it to try to get back together. It's not going to happen." She doesn't seem to think that all the ex might hear is "I care deeply for you."
I don't know that she would have said this last night though. Just her general approach I believe.


Brother is leaving tomorrow to go to Clemson and then New Orleans for a summer research program. GF has pretty much been his mom in all that time so she is already having seperation issues. And he obviously won't be there anymore to threaten to call the cops (or actually do it if necessary..he's a smart kid) if something were to happen in the future.


Again - GF thought it was pretty much over because he finally consented to the divorce.
She went to work today and that helped get her mind off of the issue.

Couple hours after I talk to her about this I get a phone-call.
Hoo-ray!! It's her ex whom I n have never spoken to before.
Naturally he has my number....and the phone just shows 'private-number' so I don't have is.
Oh goodie.
He's got nice little red-neck twang going on and is rather confrontational in his tone with me over the phone.

He wants to talk about "your girlfriend. Teresa. I want you to know the truth. You know she's married don't you?"
I tell him that I don't think it's my place to talk about it and I don't admit to already knowing about this.
Anyway, eventually I hang-up on him. I try calling GF but get her voice-mail.

He calls me back in 5-10 minutes or so and says that he doesn't like being hung-up on.
I tell him I don't think we have anything to talk about.
He's pretty agitated..probably drinking...whatever.

Anyway, he insists on asking me if I knew she was married and I say yes...I know she has a husband that she's seperated from.
He says, "Oh..we're not seperated."
"Well you no longer live together so that's just what I called it."

He goes on about how he knows we went on a cruise together (she came with me on the PPM cruise) and that he knows we went to Florida and New Orleans together on her birthday when she should have been with him.
whatever.

Conversation lasts about 5 minutes I think. I'm trying to get out of it.
He has all these, "How would you feel?" questions which I don't really answer.

Okay - final couple minutes he goes on about how she's been seeing him on the side. He helped her pick the luggage for the cruise that she went on with me because she told him that she was going on a cruise with a friend who was getting married.
Night before the cruise she was in his bed 'f'cking' him all night long and then she left with me.
He wants me to know the truth. blah blah blah.
How she was seeing him and saying how she wants to get back together and she loves him and then would see me behind his back.
All these incidents.

Well...this admittedly rattled me.
big time.


Eventually TELL HIM that I'm going to go (because he doesn't like to be hung-up on..whatever) and eventually get a hold of GF.
We talk and I FREAKING KNOW that this guy is just a bit psycho and is throwing a hail-mary to try to ruin his ex's thing with me.
But it was still an awkward conversation nonetheless.
I explain that if she really had been seeing him just tell me so we can work it out or whatever.
Obviously she admits to none of it and reassures me. And I believe her...partly because it's ridiculous...and partly because I'm just gullible.

But I'm insecure just like the next guy and partly paranoid I suppose.
I think it's something we can overcome...but something like this IS a pain in the ass because there's no REAL WAY I could know.


Anyway...the fact that he knew about the cruise surprised her because that wasn't one of the things he mentioned before.

Since he just walked into their house last night with the leftover key she has suspicions that he had been there before...got on her computer...and looked through her e-mails.
There is no PI work that would have determined that her good friend really WAS getting married (he mentioned the friend, Lisa, by name).

And if he was there looking through all her e-mails and/or credit-card crap he could have figured out that she really did buy some luggage before the cruise and that her friend was getting married, etc etc.

I suspect it might be a combination of hiring a PI and/or him breaking in and getting on her e-mail.
Now at her place (and on the computer) she has various pics of us on the cruise and in Florida and New Orleans.

Me and GF talked for an hour or so and she'll be coming over tomorrow after she drops her brother off at the airport.
I'm in need of a drink to chill out a bit.
Arrgh.

I don't want to be suspicious of my GF. And I never had been before. So I'm just hoping and assuming that these ridiculous paranoid thoughts will cool out given time.

Oh yeah...I'm going to the WSOP for 3 weeks from late june to mid-july. So the paranoid part of me keeps that in mind to.


I don't think he's going to call me again..and I don't think he's going to harass her anymore. But I don't know the guy and he did sound pretty upset.
He's a big guy.

I think she and I are still strong...perhaps this awkwardnesss will make us stronger.
I explained to her that I was just being paranoid and stupid and I apologized and she was very forgiving and understanding given the circumstances.

Okay...I'm done ranting for now I guess. I'm off to go drinking.

[BusterStacks]

"Three important rules for breaking up
Don’t put off breaking up when you know you want to
Prolonging the situation only makes it worse
Tell him honestly, simply, kindly, but firmly
Don’t make a big production
Don’t make up an elaborate story
This will help you avoid a big tear jerking scene
If you wanna date other people say so
Be prepared for the boy to feel hurt and rejected
Even if you’ve gone together for only a short time,
And haven’t been too serious,
There’s still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she preferres the company of others
To your exclusive company,
But if you’re honest, and direct,
And avoid making a flowery emotional speech when you brake the news,
The boy will respect you for your frankness,
And honestly he’ll apeciate the kind of straight foward manner
In which you told him your decision
Unless he’s a real jerk or a cry baby you will remain friends"

--Nada Surf "Popular"

[tbach24]

Wow, that's messed up. Hope everything turns out alright.

[bump]

a few thoughts...

no matter what the next month or so is going to be tough on your relationship. It seems reading like this that you don't know the whole story. But it also seems possible that the ex hired a PI and broke into her house.

Tell your gf to HAVE HER LOCKS CHANGED IMMEDIATELY. Have her do this tomorrow. She probably won't want to do this so offer to do it yourself. Her safety is most important (although him harming her is not probable it should still be your biggest concern,) especially with her bro leaving.

Second, continue to reassure her (in an NON ACCUSATORY manner) that whatever has happened you can work through.

You two obviously need to have a serious talk, you should probably tell her that if she has NO plans of getting back together then she should file for divorce, it is time.

Is there any chance she can come to the WSOP with you? That would probably be best.

Good luck

[[censored]]

Well in some ways this is what comes with dating a married girl. Seperated or not. There are reasons why people put off getting a divorce, usually emotional ones.

Best bet your ex still had or has an emotional attachment to him that caused her to still want to be friends are talk to him or what not. Most likely there were times when he was being really nice and caring inbetween the times when he was being a phsycho. She may have talked with him during these times.

My advice would be to not date someone who is still legally married but I doubt that is going to happen.

If he calls you or contacts you, do not shy away from talking with him. He wants to assert sometype of dominance over you. Be direct without esculation. Yes you know she is still married and you know that relationship ended for a reason. Yes you spend time with her and it is none of his business. Do not get into some high school level confrontation in which a fight may occur. If he threatens you call the police. If he starts calling tell him to stop, if he doesn't file a complaint for harassment. If he comes to your house...you get the idea. Whatever you do, do not lie to him as that will serve to allow him to continue these games by proving you wrong.

[Lawrence Ng]

Hi Bob,

First off, breathe....

From the way your last email went, you seem like you are extremely tense and not just a little paranoid, but very paranoid.

Until proven so, you need to keep trusting your GF. If you start second guessing her at a time like this, it will only make things worse. I know things are confusing for you right now, but she needs your support.

Of course you need to talk to her, but stay rational and objective. I know it's going to be hard Bob, but you need to stay calm and listen to her side before making any judgements.

As for Mr. Pussyman 6 ft 3, he definitely has some issues however I feel his method here is pure intimidation.

Try not to get too emotional here Bob. It will blind you.

Lawrence

[JohnnyHumongous]

For a variety of reasons I would walk away from the whole mess and never look back. But that's just how I operate. What are you getting out of the deal right now? You are getting a heap of stress, phonecalls from a nutjob and now you have to be suspicious of your girl left and right because of what that guy said about banging your broad. You didn't ask for any of that and you don't deserve it. You probably won't leave her but that's just what I would do. I don't have time to be suspicious of my woman and there are truly a million other fish in the sea.

[MicroBob]

[ QUOTE ]

Until proven so, you need to keep trusting your GF.

[/ QUOTE ]

(i'm back after my 3 gin and tonics)

this is good advice. thank you. something I am realizing too obviously.

I don't think she's been with him....but it's just there in my head now.

[MicroBob]

yes there are...and i understand your point.

but this guy really wasn't much of an issue until this weekend.

before we would just joke about him and I helped her through some of it.
Otherwise we have been terrific.
Going out together in town is always fun and we never fight and we are really close.
going out together out of town (like on the PPM cruise) is even more fun.


I'm taking the approach that this will, in fact, make us stronger.
It's not really her fault that she had bad taste in men previously (and has GREAT taste now I might add).

It's her ex that's doing this stuff.
And the reason he's doing it is in hopes that it will cause more serious problems with me and her.


We have been planning on moving out of town together for awhile now...and it's really just about her getting her house fixed-up so that she can sell it.
This may be the impetus to get us moving.

[WSUchica]

I agree with Lawrence, I think you should trust your GF, you have been together for long enough that she should have gained your trust and IMO it seems as if the ex is making some last attempts to win back his lady. If I were the GF in that situation and knew you suspected me of cheating (is this the correct word to be using when talking about her husband?? Very mixed up situation!) I would be second guessing how close we really were, so I think that while you should definetly have a talk with her about getting the divorce finalized and the phone conversations...I wouldn't accuse her of being with her ex.

Good Luck, and if the phone calls and harassment continues you shouldn't hesitate to pursue some kind of restraining order...for both your GF AND you.