my downward spiral

[MelchyBeau]

So my life is going to hell. I was working a shitty job 15/hr 50+ hours a week, no overtime no benifits. my uncle dies, and I am asked to work the saturday before I have to fly out to the funeral. My uncle had a brain tumor, I was told he was doing better by my parents so I was going to wait til september to fly out to see him. Well it didn't happen. Turns out he was getting worse not better. I get back from the funeral, and I am told that I have been laid off.

So, now I have no job weee. I withdraw a chunk of my BR to pay bills. Well its been a while now, and nothing. NOT A GOD DAMNED THING. Its hard not to belive 4 years of college wasn't that benificial at all. I didn't enjoy my time in college.

So now I have tons of time on my hands, but because my job worked me so damned hard, I hardly know anyone here. I have lost interest in pretty much everything. I tried reading a book, but stopped within the first few chapters. My guitars have been collecting dust, I just don't care to play them anymore. My apartment is a wreck. I just lack any sort of motivation to do anything. The only reasons I have left this apartment were for food and mail.

My parents have begged me to come home, but I hate that town. I swore to not return unless there was a serious family emergency involving one of them.

In poker, I have gone from 2/4 to .5/1. I took a stab at 1/2 but had a 80BB downswing. Part of it was probably bad play, but I also only won 6% of my hands. The reasons I have dropped to this level are part need to my money, part bad run, part tilt.

I got accepted into grad school though. But even that I just don't care about. I've lost motivation and my ability to be happy. I realized how bad it was when my sister told me she got a boyfriend and I said that relationships just lead to pain.

I've always been anti-social, I continously see myself as fat, though I weigh 160ish and am 5'10". I was at one point 220+. I see myself as ugly as well. For a short period of time recently I was misogynistic.

I don't know what to do. I have no confidence in my poker game, or in my life. After being turned down by 200+ companies, and 2 temp agencys can't find employment for me, I devalue myself more more. I figured with getting on of the more difficult degrees (Physics) I wouldn't have much trouble finding employment.


I would like to have confidence back, though I never really had much to begin with. I would also like to feel happiness again. I don't want to take a job such as fast food or grocerys. I feel that it would just concrete the idea that I am worthless.

Melch