The unabashed thoughts of a modern man

[soko]

I have pages and pages of this stuff last time I was depressed, I forgot all about it and I'm going through it agian and thought I would share a peice of it. I think others might enjoy it as well, I found out alot about myself durring this period.

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A new day, with new anxieties
It's a strange and ominous feeling, I know I have felt it before
A desire, a yearning for the unknown
You desire to control that which you have no power over
And even if you were to control it, then there would lose interest because it would become structured
The chaotic and structural paradox, they conflict eachother and are at the essence of human suffering
As humans we wish to turn the chaotic in to something we can understand and control
and once we do that, the struggle is over and there is no emotions or feeling that can be brought by it

Death, the ultimate end, the finish line, it almost seems unfair
You live your life trying to find meaning and suffering for the things you cannot have, you work and slave and suffer, you desire and hate and love, you do every thing that a human can ever do, just to do it
then you die and it's over, everything you have created or destroyed becomes irrelevant
Everything you do is irrelevant for the simple fact that you will die
and that your existence is not measured in time but only a manifestation of the current instant in which you are living in

you may waste away
you may be the king of the world
it's your right to do whatever you want with your life and that's fine
but just remember that it all comes to an end, and that what you do in the moment really doesnt matter

i hide my emotions still, i still do it
it's frustrating
it's upsetting
nobody is telling me what to do yet i still wear my mask and fear the unknown
i fear for what people will judge of me and i fear for how they may react to who i really am
i am in an act, a play and i am following my role, it's structured, there is no chaos here
i follow my orders and feel the way that they want me to feel, which is nothing
there is no emotion in this work, this is papers and numbers and dreams and goals and money
profits and work, hours of slavery and torture, complete the task at hand and we will give you another until you [censored] DIE

there is more to this life
there is an endless number of feelings you can have, you can express
you can feel everything
but not here, not in this [censored] hole
not in this prison

I want to increase the chaos in my life
I want to experience unknown things every day
I want to learn to feel more, I want to learn to express my feelings
I want to give it all away

To become powerful
To control and make others desire me

That is a key
DESIRE

Those who desire are followers, those who are desired are leaders, those who neither desire nor are desired are free from the chains of despair, to be enlightened is to be set free from these emotions that attempt to control our lives

Lack of human interaction can dull these emotions but it doesn't help you deal with them, if you are alone for long enough your mind will begin to realize that there are no people and therefore you lose the desire to feel or be felt, to experience things with these people. it's easy to say no because your mind has learned you don't need them.

however, if you live in a place with human experiences and you are forced to begin experiencing feelings with other people your mind will wake up and realize, that wow, there is a lot to be felt, there is so much that you have been missing out on and so much more that you want to feel you want to express and be felt, but there is a problem. your mind goes in to make-up mode, you want to make up for all the missed time and the missed experiences, you fall out of one extreme, the extreme disinterest and unwillingness to feel to the other extreme of wanting to feel too much, you want to make up for it and feel every day all the time, you want to be with somebody you want to hold them and feel them you want to stimulate all your emotions and share every experience with them all the time, you become infatuated, you stupid piece of [censored], how pitiful is that.

[snip]

I started going on tangents about here, no point in posting the rest.

I applaud your emotional honesty. Nice work.

-aaron

[A_C_Slater]

Not a lot of people will read this whole thing. But I think it's quite a good read. Reminds me of chapter 37 from the book "White Noise" by Don Dellio. You should read it if you haven't, I think you'd enjoy it.

That was actually a pretty good read. I was just wondering, does writing stuff out like this help you when you are feeling depressed?