post a joke

[Vavavoom]

Q: Why are pirates called pirates..........?
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A: They just aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgh ?

[steelcmg]

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[ChipWrecked]

A janitor was sweeping near a confessional. The priest gets his attention. "I really have to use the bathroom, could you sit in here for me for a few minutes?"

The janitor was hesitant. The priest said, "It's easy. Just give them 20 Hail Marys for every sin and you'll be fine."

The janitor agreed, and took his place in the confessional. Shortly after, a hot blonde came in, and confessed to having oral sex the night before.

The janitor was mortified. He thought 20 Hail Marys wasn't enough for a sin of this magnitude, but he couldn't think of any other pennance.

He put his head out of the confessional just as an alter boy was walking by.

"Excuse me son, but what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

"Usually, a couple of candy bars and a Coke."

[tomdemaine]

What do you get if you cross Titanic with The Sixth Sense?


Icy dead people

[imported_The Vibesman]

A pirate walks into a bar. Attached to his crotch is a steering wheel with a parrot sitting on top of it. He sits at the bar and asks for a bottle of rum. The bartender brings it over, eyeballing the parrot, sets it down and says, "Nice bird you've got there."

Pirate says, "Aye, he's drivin' me nuts."

[unlucky513]

how do you make an 8 year old cry twice??









rub your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

[fnord_too]

Two managers decide to rent a hot air balloon. The guy renting it tries to give them a lesson in flying it but they brush him off. Soon they are completely lost with no clue about what to do. They see a guy in a field below and yell down to him "Can you tell us where we are?"

The man dryly replies "You are in a balloon".

One of the managers snidely yells "You must be a mathematician."

The guy yells back "I am, how did you know that."

His response is a peeved "What you have told me is clearly true, quite provable, but utterly useless. Thanks for your help."

The mathematician yells back "Oh, I see, you are managers."

The manager yells back, somewhat flattered that this guy recognized his great leadership from a short conversation, "Why yes I am, how did you know?"

"You don't know where you are; you don't know where you are going; your situation is exactly the same now as before you met me except now it is my fault."

[imported_The Vibesman]

Shepherd is standing in his field with his sheep and his sheepdog. A shiny new BMW comes racing up the road and pulls over by the field. A man in a business suit gets out and says to the man, "I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have there if you let me have one if I'm correct." The shepherd agrees, the man takes out a laptop and does some calculations, arrives at a number, which the sheepherder tells him is correct. The man smiles, grabs one of the animals, bundles it up and puts it in the back of the car.
The shepherd says to the man, "Wait. If I can tell you what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"

The man says, "Sure."

Instantly the shepherd says, "You're a consultant."

Flustered, the man answers, "Correct. But how did you know?"

"Because," answered the shepherd, "you came here without being invited, you charged me a fee to answer a question I didn't ask and already knew the answer to, and you obviously don't know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[lu_hawk]

ok this is stupid and you need to tell it in person but i will describe how to do it. maybe it is not even a joke.

first, bet somebody some amount of money that you can make them say 'sixteen'. they will agree to your bet because they feel they can prevent themselves from saying it.

so you say what is 10 + 10. and they say twenty. then you say what is 20 + 10. and they say thirty. then you say what is 20 + 20. they say 40. then you pounce and ask what is 20 + 40. and they say sixty. then you say 'see i made you say it.' they will argue with you but you insist. then they will eventually say something to the effect of 'no you said i would say sixteen not sixty.' and you collect your money. 100% success rate on about 6 people i have tried it on.

[mlh2e]

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?
































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