Can't crack the next level-

[MuckerFish]

I've been playing for about 1 year, started with limit, moved up to mid stakes games with only a few bumps in the road. A few months ago I switched to NL, started at the micro limits, and slowly moved up to 100NL. Doing ok there, built up about 3.5K NL bankroll, and about 2 mos ago tried playing the 200NL game. Didn't fare too well, lost about 5 buy-ins total over 2 weeks. No biggie, I moved back down to the 100 game for a couple of weeks, built back up to about 3800, and gave the 200 game another shot. Again dropped a buy-in or two, so I moved back down, built my roll up to 4100, and this week tried the 200 again. Held my own the first night, but last night I totally lost it. I'm not going to blame it on bad beats or anything else other than myself. I was worried about losing again at the higher level, played weak-tight, totally mis-played a hand (turned top 2 with AQ in an unraised pot, folded to large stack's all in on the turn, but I was really already pot committed with about 60% of my stack in, and pot offering about 5-1 odds, but I folded anyway. Pure mistake on my part, would have won a big pot, big stack pushed me off my hand with TPTK -AK). I gather my thoughts, reload, and a few hands later, near identical situation comes up. I turn top 2 against the same two opponents, now with the nut flush draw also, bet to me, I raise the pot, large stack after me rerasises, EP calls, I push, all call- of course this time large stack has a set, I don't out draw, and lose another stack. And this is when it happens. I've never really experienced all the things I've read about here, but next thing I know I'm on crazy monkey tilt. My biggest drain in the past has been playing tired or too long, but last night for the first time I have a full blown melt down. The combo of playing poor and losing, then playing better and still losing, combined with the frustration of always losing when I'm playing the 200 game made me snap. Next thing you know, I'm doing everything I know I shouldn't: Seeing every flop, calling gutshots hoping to hit, calling along and never raising, yelling at the computer, playing much later than I should, being results oriented as I watch my bankroll slowly dwindle, playing to get even, the whole shebang all at once. Finally my wife says 'you should give it a break,let's go to bed' and I make some snide comment back to her. She is the most important thing in my life, and I make some dumb comment over a silly poker game. WTF was I thinking about? Clearly I wasn't. I was so embarrassed by my silly behavior. I play a few more hands, lose with top 2 again, finally come to my senses and quit. I immediately apologize to my wife, who says no biggie. When the smoke clears, turns out all my kicking and screaming was only for about $550. Not even 3 full buy-ins.

Looking back, it was like an out of body experience. The entire time I was saying to myself I should quit, but I didn't. I kept playing, desperately trying to not lose again in the 200 game, trying to prove to myself I can play at the next level up.

Poker is a weird F'in game. In what other game or sport can you clearly know the right thing to do, but do something else instead? I can't imagine Manning seeing Harrison wide open in the end zone, but deciding to take a knee instead of throwing for the easy TD. Or Kasparov having a chance to mate his opponent, but giving up his own queen instead. I clearly (or unfortunately maybe not so clearly) knew I shoud have quit, I was too passive, etc., but I kept chugging along anyway. What an ass.

Well now that I've experienced full blown monkey tilt, hopefully, I'll recognize it sooner in the future if (when?) it comes up again and make some better decisions, espically about quitting when I should.

So after buying my wife a couple dozen roses or so later, I guess it will be back down to the minors for me for some more bankroll rehab. Not sure if I'll play again today. Probably take the day off.

Hopefully the crazy tilt thing won't be problem again real soon, or better yet ever again. I'm hoping the public declaration of guilt will help me from being a repeat offender. I'm not sure if I have a real question in all of this, but if I do it's probably this: I've got to admit I'm worried about taking a stab again at the 200 game. Every time in the past has been a failure. I'm worried that when I try again, it'll be useless and I'll lose. I know, get back up on the horse, etc. but I'm worried that my the anxiety about the next level being "unbeatable" will affect my play. I'll play weak tight again because I'll be trying not to lose, rather that win/play my "A" game. I would hate to think that I've reached my peak at the 100NL game. The actual dollar value of the 200 game doesn't bother me. It does bother me that a couple of weeks of work can be wiped out in a few hours though. (I usually single table, I'm more of a serious recreational player than an aspiring pro, multi-tabler, etc.) My long term goal is to eventually play the 1000NL game, but I can't seem to overcome this hurdle. As I mentioned above, I climbed the ranks in limit fairly easily. I guess I was hoping for the same thing in NL and am disappointed by my self percieved lack of progress. Anyone ever have similiar issues with moving up in stakes, and if so, how'd you overcome them?

Sorry for the long rambiling post.