Post College Depression

I had originally post this in my blog but I figured I might as well through it in the psychology forum as it might help some people, or I might get some good comments. Or it might go unnoticed with 50 views and no responses. Either way is OK.


I have been reading a lot about people getting caught up in playing poker for a living and losing sight of important aspects of life. I was feeling the same way.

I apologize for the shitty writing, but this isn't meant to be a heavily edited piece of work. Just some random thoughts I felt like typing out.
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Post College Depression

I want to take a minute and discuss some things that I've been thinking about a lot lately. When I was in college I was taught a lot of things about life, and I was given the education I needed to get a job. My entire childhood focused around going to high school...then going to college...then getting a job...then saving enough money to be happy...then being happy. And that's it. That's what adults, from parents to teachers to coaches, tell kids as they are growing up. Get a job, and everything will take care of itself.

What they don't tell you is that getting a job, or making money, does not equal being happy. Getting a job helps, and being financially secure goes a long way in giving one the freedom to do different things, but it does not mean everything.

I am making enough money playing poker that I should not have been depressed over the last few months. Yet I was. The words I am writing cannot begin to express what I've been feeling since I graduated school back in May. The fufillment that everyone told me would be there after I ended school just wasn't there. And I know I am not alone in this.

The constant questions that surrounded my thoughts were haunting. I was having nightmares for the first time in my life. Waking up in a cold sweat. Questioning my purpose in life. Thinking about where my life was going. I was getting urges to "gamble" for the first time , and I mean gamble outside of poker on games I could never win. I was starting to think that maybe a quick hit would make me happy. One quick hit and I could start a business, and I'd be happy. It took all of my energy to supress these feelings, and I kept reminding myself that if I wanted to play poker I couldn't stray from the path.

I am not one to talk about feelings, but I felt like I was blowing up inside. I needed to tell somebody. I tried telling one friend, but when I started she told me she didn't want to know what I was thinking. I thought maybe that was a blessing in disguise, that if I just let it drop it would go away, but it didn't. A few days later it was still hautning me, and I really just needed to talk to someone. So at the beginning of the week, one night when I was overtired and just wrapping up my nightly poker session, I began chatting on AIM to a friend in LA. When I mentioned what I was feeling, she told me that she was feeling exactly the same way. We talked for a while and I began to feel better about myself. I wasn't alone. In fact, I realized that many recent grads were feeling the same way. It's just a natural part of moving on.

I felt a lot better since then. It's amazing how much a little conversation can help one's perspective. I also realized that many of my activities are "alone" activities that are contributing to how I was feeling. I play poker, play my guitar, write short stories as a hobby, and even the sport I love to play, racquetball, isn't the most vocal sport in the world.

I took a trip up to foxwoods on Tuesday to play poker. They have a great 5/10 game with a kill that plays more like party's .5/1. I found that playing poker with other people, people I can actually talk to, is a great way to avoid the grind of staring at a computer screen, listening to music, and having conversations on AIM.

I'm also thinking of volunteering at the nursing home my mother works at, just a few hours a week, to have an activity where I interact with others. I was thinking about a part time job but I don't really need the crappy pay I'd be getting and I don't want to be committed to certain hours each week.

For my last thing I'll just say this. I really feel the key to life is forming and maintaining relationships. And not just sexual relationships. I mean relationships with friends and family. Next time your at the table don't be afraid to ask the person next to you where he is from. Say hello to the stranger in the elevator. Smile to the grocery store cashier as she rings up your food. Send a random message to old friends and ask how they are doing. I am finding these things go a long way in life, and I feel that everything else will just fall into place.

[BluffTHIS!]

Why not look for a church to go to this Sunday? You just might find a greater purpose that will give your life greater meaning and put everything else into perspective.

I don't go to church for my own personal reasons which I am not going to get into at this point.

But I thank you for the suggestions. I spent 10 years getting a Catholic and Jesuit education, and I am Greek Orthodox and help out a at the Church festival and other various activities, but I do not attend.

Going to church is not for everyone, but everyone should try to go at some point. I have seen many lives turn around for the better through the church.

[JohnnyHumongous]

I myself recently graduated from college. If it's any consolation, I've been brutally depressed for much of the last 4 years (my college years by no small coincidence). It got to the point where I 'learned' how to be depressed, and being depressed and leading the kind of life where I am depressed became my routine. I was basically killing time in college until I could graduate and then start "living" and "be happy" as your post suggests. I guess I'm closer to being happy, but it's still not all together.

For me, the major source of pain and problems in my life has been poor sleep. Again and again, I find myself sleepy, half-awake, frustrated and moody, all due to my sleep deprivation. And as a young person, just about everyone in the planet, including myself, expects me to be able to function at peak performance no matter how much sleep I've gotten. In the rest of my life, I really have it all. I have a job that is like a waking dream, I am doing very well at poker, I have all kinds of nice things, I lead an interesting and rich life, I have terrific friends and family who call me and visit on a regular basis. Yet, I can often feel horribly depressed. And the reason always goes back to sleep deprivation.

OK enough rambling for now, time to get back to work... best of luck.

It's funny, but sleeping problems are something that have never bothered me. I make a point to try and get in an hour of excersie everyday, so by the time it gets late at night my body is usually exhausted.

Have you tried going for a run during the day, or after work? Working out at the gym is great, but you should also try and get in arobic excercise, like running for over 15 minutes, not just anarobic exercise, such as lifting weights.

For those of you who PM'd me about what I wrote, feel free to respond to my post publically, though I understand how some would want this keep their feelings private.


I also encourage you to post on my blog so other people besides 2+2ers can read what you have to say.

Thanks again guys,
Jon C

[wdeadwyler]

Im kinda feeling the samy way right now in college. Here I am, my junior year, the prime of my college days, and things just arent going as well as they could. Its not even like things are bad, I just get this intagible feeling they are not as good as they could be.

I agree with the original poster. Maintaining and developing relationships is VERY important. I feel like a lot of my despression stems from a lack of a relationship with a girl. I have never been able to seriously connect with a member from the opposite sex, ie emotionally. Im only 20 but I have not yet even had a serious gf. These things bother me. I tell myself that time will take care of everything, but I dont know anymore.

I just dont know where my life is going. When I graduate from college, how will things be different? WHat will change? I am scared of the future and scared of becoming an adult. This process of growing up is the scariest thing that has ever happened to me.


There, I laid it all out there. This post really inspired me.

[gildwulf]

You should really check out http://www.quarterlifecrisis.com/

It's a great site and your story is similar to a lot of people's lives on there.

Good luck.

I have been a lurker/avid reader of the 2+2 forums for awhile now via Mr. Harrington's suggestion and this post hit close enough to home for me to encourage my first post. I cannot tell you guys in this thread how tough it is to grow up and become an adult. I have friends who are drug addicts, have gotten mutliple DUI's, and battling alcoholism. They are all our age, roughly 20-24 and have found it to be very difficult to deal with the prospects of making a life of their own. I don't have as serious problems as some of my friends but I am by no means a saint and find it difficult at times with the big questions that face our age group. Who am I, what do I really want with my life, do I really want to be in school right now, etc are things I think about everyday. I am actually taking a year off of school right now and working at a real job, saving money to try and figure out what I truly want with my life. I play poker quite often, and play guitar at least 3 hours a day. The things I truly love to do, poker and guitar are what brings me fulfillment, not any sort of false ideal of a person that anyone wants me to be (ie some businessman working 60 hours a week for the man). I don't know, I'm rambling but it sure is nice to know that we are all in somewhat of the same struggle and not alone in our fears and thoughts. My 2 cents.

Clark

[dibbs]

This isn't going to be too coherent as it is 5:30 AM and the alcohol and ambien are kicking in, but I think you'll get the gist.


Many of the people I know that I consider to be very intelligent seem to struggle greatly with the conflict of what society wants out of them and what they really want. You seem to be aware of this idea, yet you say "I am making enough money playing poker that I should not have been depressed over the last few months." Financial stability is a great thing, but if in acquiring this you realize you are unhappy it's just not worth it. Not just for poker, but for socially accepted and praised jobs as well. Even if you really nail an interview with a very respectable company, get a great job right out of college, and gain the adknowledgement from the community as a succesful and rich person, are you really a success if you're miserable?

Funny how since around junior year in high school I remember feeling the pressure of figuring out what my occupuation would be. Even in college, some people just don't have a solid idea of what they would want to do with their life, and the pressure that has been applied and building for quite some time may lead them to think there is something wrong with them, that their life may end up a directionless failure. The idea of which lives would be considered failures and which would be considered successes are defintions created by society. Having the balls to realize and stand by what is the best thing for yourself, the individual, I think isn't seen nearly enough.

It should go without saying that people who know what they want to do with their life and quickly find a vocation and path are not weak minded or brainwashed by society. I envy those that know what they want and have no exceptional problem finding it, I wish I had that.

I do agree that surrounding yourself with good friends and family is an incredibly important thing, finding people you really connect with is a rare occurence and once you have it you hold on to it. As for your friend who didn't want to hear what you had to say, doesn't sound like much of a friend, but I don't know them of course, so just a thought.

Just find what makes you happy, a comfortable lifestyle that's good for you and that's it. Some people crave stability, some need to have their backs to the wall and their feet dangling off the edge. Some need to be surrounded by people, others reflecting by themselves on a lake somewhere in seclusion. It's cliche as fck, but life's too short to worry about it, but I know some of us just can't help it.