Tommy's Seat Selection- Ladies' Tees

Tommy and the Babe decided to play a different game last week.....a game which requires extreme concentration, discipline and physical skill. A game which makes grown men cry--You guessed it: GOLF. Our tee time was 8:26 and I gave Tommy directions to my country club (he wrote them down, by the way). Basically...it's a "straight shot" down Flamingo-- Just stay ON Flamingo--you "can't miss it". Your two landmarks are Pecos Rd. and Boulder Hwy. When you pass Boulder Hwy, it's about 1/2 mile on the left". So at 8:10, I get a call saying "Hey Babe- I'm stuck in traffic, but near the Bellagio". "Ok, I say..you are 20 minutes away, no problem". Now my phone goes dead (uh oh..forgot to charge the battery) and I saunter over to the starter to tell him we will be a "little late" off the tee. At 8:45, I start to get a litter concerned that Tommy is...uh...lost? So, I wait and wait and finally he shows up at 9:10. So, the 20 minute drive from Bellagio only took him an hour! Unbeknownst to the Babe, he had left me 7 messages on my dead-battery cell phone detailing his trip (If only I could add an audio to this post so you could get the true flavor of those messages). Anyway..they start out with "Hey Babe- I'm a little lost right now- I think I passed the course and I'm turning around". Then..."It's SPECTACULAR how lost I am"-I can't believe it's this far-I am never, ever, late for anything". The next one is "Hi- I'm still a little lost, wow- this is frustrating. Is this what "CAN'T MISS IT" means?" I have not been this upset in 10 years"!. Next is: Ok..I'm in a residential area on a golf course now, so I must be close (at least to some golf course), ..but now I'm locked in cuz the gate was open when I got here, but now the gate is closed"-Yikes!".! These messages alone were worth the wait- funny as hell!. Ok..so on to the GAME. We pair up with 2 guys who are the "poster kids" for Logo wear. All the gear and the portly figures to match. Tommy, by the way is totally unprepared: He's rushed, he's using borrowed clubs, he's wearing tennis shoes with holes in them, he's got no golf glove, and most importantly...he's concerned that he lost points with the Babe for being late (but he does like the Babe's "golf look"). So...I'm saying..cool.."easy mark-easy money". But here's the proverbial "fly in the ointment"- he won't keep score!. Wants NO part of it, no way, no how. Tells me to keep my own score. Well great, no score no bet. Shucks. Ok, fine. Babe hits a nice drive off the 1st tee and Tommy hits his short, fat and ugly (although it did pass the ladies' tee). Observant poker player that I am, I notice his backswing is too fast and he doesn't move his hips through the ball (some people have no rhythm). I have a lovely swing and look good even when I miss, so I think I have the best of it for now. Much to my dismay, my short game collapses 90 yards from the green and I am now happy we did not make a wager. The next 3 holes are uneventful, and then we reach number 5 - a 400 yd par 4 (322 for me). It was getting warm and I suggested Tommy put on some sunscreen, which he does. Now the funny part...his hands are so sticky and slimey from the sunsceen that he cannot get a grip on the club BUT he swings anyway (and misses, of course). He says "I knew that was going to happen". This is equivalent to calling when you should fold. Anyway, he realizes that gripping the club is essential to making contact with the ball, so he wipes his hands on the fairway while the Babe is laughing out loud. He tries again, but now he aims at the WRONG hole (obviously disoriented from lack of food, low blood pressure or sunstroke). I volunteer no information. His aim is so BAD that he makes a GREAT shot and is within chipping range of the correct hole! And the portly duo appalauds as the Babe sulks at having lost another advantage. At the turn, Babe has a score but Tommy doesn't. Fine. As we make it to the 10th tee, Tommy knows I cannot stand it anymore- I MUST BET! There is NO MORE CHECKING this damn game-GEEZE! He suggests a wager of 5 bucks for best score on back 9. But...he's got one condition- (are there "conditions" in Golf?). He is truly a pain in the ass, but I say "OK"- fine...what is the "condition"? He says "I want to play from the SAME tees". Hmmm, well..that sounds fair MACHO MAN! But...I agree to this ridiculous "condition" because I MUST have "ACTION".! So...do I move back or do I let him move up? Since we hit the ball about the same distance, I should have moved back. The problem with this was that my short game was a little suspect that day, so I thought I should give myself the advantage from the front tees. Besides, I wanted to see how Tommy looked in a skirt and lipstick! He was not at all humiliated by this, by the way. Here comes #10. Tommy starts off with a par to my bogie, followed by a double for each of us and then he picks up another par and then a few more good holes and then....uh...oh...NO...this is not good for the Babe. He's playing well and I'm struggling. Yikes...he's getting my chips! He is playing his A game and I'm a B- at best. This is like Greg Norman vs. Tiger Woods. I am now desperate. On 16, I tell him his score hoping that he might think about it and maybe get "tiltable". I'm still behind and need a "miracle" hole to get even. He tries to give me an "out" and suggests "adjusting" the bet, but Babe declines, saying "the bet stands as is, win or lose". On 18, I see hope, as Tommy now duffs a shot then 2 then..4.! He says, "you should never have told me my score" I just know I will make an 8 on this hole". Babe smiles her best smile and keeps her fingers crossed. Tommy does make his snowman! And...the Babe makes one too (sigh). Really sad and unfulfilling. So...yes...the Babe pays Tommy off. There is one item I forgot to mention: Tommy gave me a dime to use as a ballmarker on the 2nd hole (which I still have) and he also paid for lunch. That offsets the 5 bucks, I think. OK...come on guys...I need to justify this "bad beat" somethow, don't I?. Your humble Golfer....Babe.